A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hello dearcupid.orgI was at my friends for 5 days in the southern country. When I came back here I noticed my dad had emailed me. We never have done so great but its always been bearable apart from some random rage conversations mostly about how i waiste my life ( i failed my grades and now i try to try again )Anyway we live in the same house and our communication has never been good. At the end of the mail he said that this could be easier this way.The mail is mostly about my waisted life and me being irresponsible. Its not only the grades, I am very clumsy and for example i crashed my dad's car. ( it wasnt so bad after all and i paid it)He says that I should struggle for what i want and stuff and wonders why I am the only one of his kids who doesnt get along with him.I feel like I have dissapointed everyone.obviously I dont think i made myself clear but thats because I am still so damn numb due the mail.I don't know how to respond him. I thought that I should sit down with him and talk that how i should change my life. On the other hand this sickens me..I answer to any question. Thanks for reading. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (26 July 2010):
 I'm quite drawn to this question even though I'm not sure I can help.
My relationship with my father is quite similar to yours. I am more that twice your age. This past weekend we buried my fathers father. He said at one point that he had lost his best friend. I know that I will never feel that way about him.
I won't tell you that you will some day lose the need to please your father, to have him proud of your accomplishments. Because there are still days that I want that. They are fewer now. Mostly I don't care anymore. I have found less harsh critics to be my guide.
You are reaching out for advice, so I will tell you what I think will help you the most. If there is any possible way that you can move 2 hours travel away from your father do it. This tactic saved my marriage from my in-laws and my wife's. We lived exactly between both families for three years. It was just too far for them to visit more often than once a month. You will stand on your own 2 feet, find your own job, pay your own bills, cook your own food and clean up after yourself. Do that for at least 2 years.
Then, after you have done that, talk to your dad about being your own person. For now thank him for the advice, follow whatever parts of it you think are helpful and put the rest aside.
Most people find that the older they get the smarter their dad was. See how you feel in 5 years.
FA
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (26 July 2010):
 You're your own man.
You don't have to be up to your father's wishes or expectations. If you have a bad relationship with him, very probably most of the burden is his to bear. He is many years older than you and your mutual relationship started when you were a baby and he was a grown man. He is the one who should know better-always.
A father who lives in the same home but e-mails you is my definition of a coward. Sorry. Yes, you should talk to him, but not about what he expects from you. I don't claim to know what exactly you should discuss, but his wanting you to be "better" necessarily implies his not treating you as a child, which is what he is doing.
You have to figure out your own life yourself. Maybe you're indeed clumsy and fail at school but I have the feeling that you can work on your own, since you paid for the car you crashed. A little flying on your own pair of wings wouldn't do you harm.
...............................
A
female
reader, MissTHANG +, writes (26 July 2010):
 Dear Disappointed,First of all, know something it took me years to realize when it comes to the parent/child relationship.1. Your parents DO love you, but they are NOT perfect, they are NOT all-knowing beings of light like we are taught to believe they are from the time we are little.2. They are human beings who have made mistakes, still make mistakes, and aren't always secure in the knowledge that everything will be alright . (Like they want their kids to think they are). 3. They sometimes live vicariously through their children - meaning: They failed in their own eyes attempting something long ago, so now it's an unspoken rule that it's up to YOU to make up for it by doing it successfully, for THEM, NOW.I don't mean to sound disrespectful to your Dad. I'm sure he is the best father he can be, but by reading in your letter where he advises you to "struggle" for what you want, it sounds to me like that's how he views life. And that's OK. We all see life through our own eyes. And this means you see it through YOUR own eyes, as well.What I would do in this situation, is try your best to do the easy things you can do to make him happy. Make a list of them on your computer, and check them off as you go. You don't have to email him everytime you do something he doesn't find fault with to throw back in his face as to your defense of being a "non failure" son, it's more of a list for you, so you don't get discouraged in never being able to please him.I think maybe he is correct in saying it's best that you communicate by email at this time, because at this time, it doesn't sound like he's ready to sit down for a heart to heart in person. So that's on him.Plus, it's easier for you to mess around with what you want to say to him in an email. Because you can arrange it like you want until it sounds perfect.For those other things that you like to do that he doesn't approve of - like hobbies or music, whatever - try to explain to him that you have to be you, just like he has to be himself. Make sure he knows that you love him, tell him often. Believe me when I say, I'm sure he loves you too.And remind yourself of one thing - "Even a broken clock is RIGHT twice a day" so that means at least twice a day he can't find fault with you. (That last motto is something my mother in law said once that helped me deal with being married to her son for 18 years)Good luck, and I hoped this helped you a bit.
...............................
A
male
reader, Roshii  +, writes (26 July 2010):
 Theres two things i think that are important here 1- its your life, your decision, parents will worry no matter what we decide to do with ourselves. Your between the aages of 18 -21 so hell your an adult. its time to take responsibility for yourself. And do things you want to do. Changing for other people never works it only works if your doing the best you can. Your dad should respect that your trying your best.2 - You have some real conversational issues here, but i think emailing is an attempt to stop arguing with you, use it as a tool to explain to him exactly ( and i mean exactly) how you feel. What you want to do with your life. If your not sure where to start, ask his advice thats what hes there for after all, to advise. i dont think you can be 21 and look back and think 'ive wasted my life' You have so many years ahead of you; so many oportunitys to get where you want to be. Theres always more than one way to get somewhere. If schools hard, do some research there might be another route available to you. Hope that helps, >Roshiii
...............................
|
