A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HelloI figure it was time for me to write all of my thoughts down as it has been a long ride so far. When I was growing up I did not have a great social life. Actually I did not have one at all. From preschool to 8th grade I went to a small private catholic school where my class had 20 something people in it and we always stayed together. Well from the very start I was the one to be picked on. I was dehumanized from and early age by the unrelenting verbal and physical abuse that was continually administered to me by my entire class. Of course this grew as most families had brothers and sisters and all of the grades found it the popular thing to do. I was of course an only child so because of this I never had any social interaction outside of class. This continued to the point that I developed a slurred speach problem and terets syndrome with a physical tick. All stress induced of course. My parents maintained the idea that oh I would get over it and I shouldnt worry. My school maintained it was obviously my fault I was the outcast of the group. When I made it to high school the torture continued. Those that I graduated with from grammer school were more than happy to establish me as the outcast one again. Freshman year in high school was the same as the rest of my life. No communication with anyone and no social interaction. I finally met my first friend when I was in sophomore year. He is like a brother to me and I have known him now going on 10 years. He saw straight off that something was wrong. He worried about me because of the things I said and the classical signs of unspecified depression, anxiety disorders, and lastly mild signs of impending suicide. So I continued high school with my one friend. He of course had others but I had been ripped apart for so long I couldnt trust anyone or let anyone in. I was of course dying inside from the depression but maintained the perfect facad. My friend was the only one that saw the issue and tried to make me feel worth it. Of course I had no real high school experience. No girlfriend or partying or anything. We graduated and went to two state schools. I commuted to the city and he went downstate leaving a two hour drive between us. He was my lifeline and instant message my path of communication. I know he had a life there and he let me know about it to have a glimpse of what could be. Well he finally had sex and I became worried I was going to be left behind. By pure luck I met my first girlfriend on a harry potter chatroom. We started talking privately and I started to let her in. We finally agreed to meet but she was an hour drive away. I didnt mind. I figured yippee I finally was going to have a gf. This continued and eventually she started school in the city and lived with family much closer to me. I kept going to my university and she went to her school. I never had any real interaction with anyone at my school. Never went to a party or anything. I had my gf though. Unfortunately our personalities clashed a bit. No actually alot. We would argue over the smallest stupidest things. She would use breaking up as a tool to get her way. Sure we lost our virginities to each other and I guess in a way we used sex to keep things together but I figured seriously I am not going to be doing any better than her. She was very hot indeed but the emotional abuse done by her arguments and my always caving and saying it was my fault was not helping me. I stayed though because she was my first love. We talked about kids and getting married. We stayed together for 6 years! Of course all the while my best friend implored me to break it off because no sex was worth what I endured. I was love blind. I didnt care how I felt and only dedicated myself to her happiness. Half way through our relationship at the three year mark she moved back home and was commuting to school from her home. I resumed my 65 mile one way drive for her. I didnt care about the cost of the hotel rooms (we both lived at home and couldnt sleep together there) and I didnt care about the debt I was incuring. Of course the universe was pushing us apart by constantly breaking my car. I discovered this because everytime I was going to go see her my car would break and cost 500-1500 to fix.Eventually I reached a place where I had a dream about a beautiful woman that I was married to. It wasnt my gf though. I planned on seeing my gf in three days and my car breaks again that morning. Well I was tapped out. Couldnt afford to see her after the repairs but she didnt care. Why dont you come see me she said and she broke up. To her the cost I constantly forked out to see her didnt matter. All she cared about was why wasnt I going to see her. Admittedly I only saw her once or twice a month but I was dedicated and called her every day for 2 to 3 hours (thanks unlimited nights and weekends) but somehow that wasnt enough. I did everything I could and it wasnt good enough. I introduced her to culture. I showed her the good things in life. Even took her to an exclusive resort of a lake for us to be together. I think the worst insult was her family would talk badly about me behind my back and told her what they felt. Oh you can do better than him but he will make alot so stay with him was one good one. The rest she wouldnt even tell me. This led to her never admitting I was actually her bf for 6 years. I put up with it and played her game as her family suspected we dated.I also discovered from talking to my friend that it isnt normal to have the sex life I did. For the first year of our encounters I didnt get alot of what I wanted but I didnt care. Also small things like her watching tv while we had sex or never saying a thing. THings like talking about her sister in a normal conversation during it or other wierd things. Lets not forget not even once did she orgaism. The only time I got her off was using a gspot stimulation technique and she didnt make a sound when she came. Well after we broke up I was still her best friend. I was always there for her no matter how much it hurt me. Still the two hour phone convos continued. This went on for a year and a half until she met him. Her new boyfriend. A boyfriend that is still getting divorced because his wife cheated on him when he was deployed in the military. Dont get me wrong. I have no grudge against him. I am happy she is happy with him but at the same time I am sorry it is killing me inside. I was 100 percent dedicated to her. She was the love of my life and I would do anything for her. I instantly forgave her for everything and let her walk over me for a few brief moments of affection. I wanted to have a family with her. Well now she is his. They are already talking family and marriage and she met his kid. This is the stage of my life where I finally reached my breakdown. For the previous time of my life I had to confidence, no self esteem, no self worth, totally afraid of people, etc. She started dating him and within a week she slept with him. Oh yes I am her friend so I found out alot. On one side I was curious and the other it hurt me and that was to be encouraged. See some people cut themselves. I psychologically cut myself. I did everything I could to mentally attack myself and hurt myself as much as possible. Well after two weeks of her dating this guy I blew a gasket. I just kept thinking of him with her and she said she would probably marry him within two years. I was laying in my bed considering suicide and I reached the danger point where I said ok that is it I have to see a dr. At this point in my life I had my best friend begging me to get help saying I am one of the most caring people he knows and would give the shirt off my back to a friend in need but I need to see it. I deserved better. I also had his friend whom I started to talk to online a few months back begging me to get help. Well I made the call. My friend took me to the dr and I was diagnosed with unspecified depression and placed on medication with therpy and visits to the psychiatrist as a path to wellness. Ironically when I went for the first appointment I had told my parents and they had no idea I was the way I was because I can create the perfect facad while my closest friend, his friend I spoke to, and my ex gf saw the rot behind it all. I started taking the meds and I no longer go into my massive depressive spells. They didnt last long but were extremely intense. I still feel low I just cant get depressed. I still have no confidence and my ex being with that guy still kills me. Funny part is I blame myself. I see myself as such a worthless person I somehow must have been defective and still see it that my watching the love of my life move on with hers as my punishment for trying to have love in my life because i obviously dont believe I deserve it. Then again I basically believed I didnt deserve the release of the pain in suicide. I know my two friends say stop talking to my ex because she is a poision to me but my natural urge is to stay because I need to be there for her. She wants me as a friend. Wants me to find someone too and be as happy as she is with the new guy. She wants us to double date and eventually have our familes over at each other's homes. Lets face it people she was hot so obviously she got someone. I am on the otherhand not hot. Ok lets face it I am downright ugly. 345 pounds because I dont care about myself but somehow she didnt care and was with me. I mean sure I am going to work on the weight issue now since the pills make it easier. My friend and I are joining a gym and are going to use the buddy system of encouragement. I will of course go to all therapy appointments and take my med as given. It was funny I have been in a financial industy job now for almost 3 years and my manager who is a real friend to me was shocked when I told her of my issue. No one sees it because I learned to hide it so well as to not let others win. Even seeing a dr before was letting them win. Well right now here I am. About to start working out with the goal of going from 345 to 175. Going to therapy etc. I still cant see a light at the end of the tunnel. Even if I get down to my good weight I still doubt I would ever find someone. I am just a wreck if I am not in my protected circle of friends. Example is we went to a bar and the parents of one of my friends sat down with us and I just shut down. See I deal by shutting down and going inward. I let the abuse happen and I dont stand up for myself. I see everything as being critical of me even if it isnt. In that bar example from my view I saw myself as an outcast and I retreated into my pda phone. Everyone else saw me as being rude for ignoring them. I felt I was the one being ignored. Another example. I went to a concert at a hole in the wall bar with my friend. He does alot of blogging about area bands and knows alot of performers. Well he knew the acts so I went thinking oh I am supporting his interests. yea well even in that setting I flipped. First I got there early thinking I would beat the crowd. Well this bar is part liquor store and part bar. I only saw the liquor store closed and got angry that somehow my best friend was setting me up so I stomped off angry texting him why would he do it to me. Then I went back in two hours and saw the place still closed and told him this is bs. He said he was in the bar with his perfomer friends. THe bar entrance was on the side of the building. I didnt see it. Yea well he came out to get me and I said no I cant do this and walked off. Of course I didnt. I went a block down and came back thinking I would hide in the bar from him so to see how he lives his life. Well bar was empty still and small. Walked right into him upon entrance. Well I sat there the whole time. Didnt drink at all and was shutdown and mean looking. Left without telling him too. I was so consumed with my view of being rejected and attacked I couldnt see his view. I never can really. The depression consumes me and skews my view of everything. I see only the worst and most detramental to myself. Well I know I didnt really ask questions but I just had to unload. Lets face it I am going to die alone and somehow a memo went out to women that I am a unworthy of love pariah and irregardless of how full my heart can be to them it dont matter. I am not gonna kill myself. I dont wanna have to come back and relive this life from doing so. I will just grow old alone and miserable irregardless of the therapy, meds, or getting in shape. I am just here to be used. Yup just a 26 year old living at home with my parents that is ugly and has no social prospects from insecurity and quite frankly never learning the skills required to socialize. So yea given 60+ years in the future if you have some loner old man that has a bad stink coming out of his home it is probably me rotting away with no one caring enough to check.
View related questions:
best friend, broke up, chat room, confidence, debt, depressed, divorce, emotionally abusive, ex girlfriend, g-spot, living at home, military, move on, my ex, self esteem, sex life, text, the pill, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): I find myself in a situation that I do not know really how to get myself out of it, I was married with someone for 12 years and he left me and move to another country with his Ex with his 4 children, and I was hoping I could find love again by giving myself a chance of been happy again, and I meet someone in the beginning there was a lot of sign that told me to run and don't look back, and I did not follow the sign instead I how helpless I am and How bad I needed someone with me and now that relationship is Kicking my ass, I find myself pregnant for this guy, I invited him in my house where he take over everything, all my privacy, he monitor every move I made, on my phone, on the computer, in the house phone, ect he had ask me to stop talking to all my ex when he is still fooling around with his ex and there is nothing i can say about it, if I go out i spend 20 minute when i got home I have a bunch of question to answer, if someone call me private it's a problem, like today I went out with my Aunt to fill for a job and we were taking public transportation so while we were on the bus he call my aunt and ask her if i am with her and all this thing he is doing he can see where i am because there is a tracker on my phone so i think he do those things just to get me mad or upset because i have no tolerance, He got up everyday be on his computer a lot of time he would not even get up to get something to eat, he talk to girls all day asking them for their number, he kept on talking to his ex, one time he pass to his ex house while i was waiting in the car he was fooling around with her, but still that is nothing to him he has not done anything, and that so call ex he claim she has cheating on him so if that was true why keep in touch with her, why for him she is the perfect girl, and me who i am trying to happy, to make a difference, anything i do is not enough, I stop talking to a lot of people so i could prove to him that I want this to work but still, if I step out when I got home he cursing me out saying hurtful things to me, hurting my feeling and sometime i feel like hurting him because he got me so frustrated and mad, he lie, he cheat, he does not respect my boundaries, he does not respect when I said no to him, I feel like my life is upside down and i need to do something real quick to get it back, now i have 5 children and i feel like i got involve with a psychopath, he could curse me out right now saying bad things to me and 2 minute later he want to have sex and he will force himself on me, not taking no for an answer, I have to scream sometime.
I am dying here and all I am asking is for help and advice of how can I overcome the situation?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): I find myself in a situation that I do not know really how to get myself out of it, I was married with someone for 12 years and he left me and move to another country with his Ex with his 4 children, and I was hoping I could find love again by giving myself a chance of been happy again, and I meet someone in the beginning there was a lot of sign that told me to run and don't look back, and I did not follow the sign instead I how helpless I am and How bad I needed someone with me and now that relationship is Kicking my ass, I find myself pregnant for this guy, I invited him in my house where he take over everything, all my privacy, he monitor every move I made, on my phone, on the computer, in the house phone, ect he had ask me to stop talking to all my ex when he is still fooling around with his ex and there is nothing i can say about it, if I go out i spend 20 minute when i got home I have a bunch of question to answer, if someone call me private it's a problem, like today I went out with my Aunt to fill for a job and we were taking public transportation so while we were on the bus he call my aunt and ask her if i am with her and all this thing he is doing he can see where i am because there is a tracker on my phone so i think he do those things just to get me mad or upset because i have no tolerance, He got up everyday be on his computer a lot of time he would not even get up to get something to eat, he talk to girls all day asking them for their number, he kept on talking to his ex, one time he pass to his ex house while i was waiting in the car he was fooling around with her, but still that is nothing to him he has not done anything, and that so call ex he claim she has cheating on him so if that was true why keep in touch with her, why for him she is the perfect girl, and me who i am trying to happy, to make a difference, anything i do is not enough, I stop talking to a lot of people so i could prove to him that I want this to work but still, if I step out when I got home he cursing me out saying hurtful things to me, hurting my feeling and sometime i feel like hurting him because he got me so frustrated and mad, he lie, he cheat, he does not respect my boundaries, he does not respect when I said no to him, I feel like my life is upside down and i need to do something real quick to get it back, now i have 5 children and i feel like i got involve with a psychopath, he could curse me out right now saying bad things to me and 2 minute later he want to have sex and he will force himself on me, not taking no for an answer, I have to scream sometime.
I am dying here and all I am asking is for help and advice of how can I overcome the situation?
...............................
A
female
reader, Cute  +, writes (28 December 2009):
Hi :)
There's just one simple solution for all this.
LOVE YOURSELF!!!
Tell yourself that you are handsome, the best and there is no one like you on earth(and all this is pretty much true).
I believe you are the best, you should believe it too....
...............................
A
female
reader, Xolani  +, writes (28 December 2009):
 You have a very low self esteem. My advice is to start doing things for yourself, be your own best friend. Love everything and anything about yourself. Then your self image will change you will find someone to love you for who you have become. Take one day at a time look in the mirror and love, cherrish the person you see then you'll see the way poeple will look at you differently. Stop thinking and talking with your ex because there is a reason she is in the past and she should stay there. Start your future with new peolpe with positive mind & positive attitude, you'll have a high self esteem because of the people you surround yourself with. If they can do it so can you.. All the best...Good luck....
...............................
|
