A
male
 ,
anonymous
writes:I am quite a shy person so at 20 i have just started dating. i had a date on tuesday with a girl who i seemed to like but i have probably cocked it up as there was at times long periods of silence (like 1 minute at one point). She had to go early as she was up early in the morning but also said her friend was feeling.fair enough the story about her friend might have been true, but if i'm honest with myself the date was ok at best.my question is how do i not ruin dates especially first ones?
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female
reader, Lila  +, writes (5 October 2007):
 Ask her unexpected questions like "What would choose to be your personal themesong?" "Favorite cops in nutthuggers,Chips or Reno 911?" Ask her to tell her funniest story or tell her yours.Just have fun, first dates and really great, if nothing else you are not with the same old slub talking about"Did I ever tell about the time I found thirteen dollars on an airplane..." And you have about 47 times and you now know the story somehow better than they do .
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (5 October 2007):
I think most people feel shy at one point or another in their life!! However some let it drag on for too long and it basicaly controls their life as it limits what they can do. However there is lots you can do about it!! So many poeple are shy and overcome it.
First off though, you have to distingish the difference between shyness and having a quiet nature. Its one thing to be shy and want to change it, but to want to change who you are (which maye be quiet natrued) is another and shouldnt really be done. So do you feel that perhaps part of the reason for the silences was that maybe you are just a quiet person and you like to listen to other people talk, rather then be the talker yourself? If so, thats perfectly fine! But if thats not you and you feel that you are rather talkative when around people who you are comfortable with and not shy...then thats fine too.
So its important to remember that overcoming shyness doesnt always mean you have to be non stop talking, really loud and so on. Its about being able to say what you want to say with no fear, being around people without being worried.
I think rather then look at what you can do to not ruin first dates, try looking at yourself- because thats what its really about. Mind you, I think any decent understanding person would recognise that you are shy and would offer you a 2nd date, knowing that your shyness will go down the more time you spend with each other.
I suggest read some self help books about shyness, confidence, insecurities, self esteem and so on. Usualy people who are shy lack self esteem. Do you feel you do?
Some shy people just simply have not developed all the social skills they need, so it may just be a matter of that. Are you shy just on dates with girls? Or when you meet new male frineds too?
Some other things you may do, to make sure that the conversation doesnt go silent for too long is before going on a date have a list in your mind about all the things you can talk about. Prepare some questions to ask the girl. The easiest way to make someone feel you are interested in them and to avoid silences and to keep the convo going I think, is to ask them questions abotu thereself. If you are dating a confident perso nthey more then liekly will be happy to talk about thereself.
Another thing to remember is that people who arent shy tend to find it hard to understand shy people. They often take a shy persons actions the wrong way. For example when a shy person isnt talkative, to a non shy person they assume they arent interested in them. And quite often also many people just give up easily on shy people because it can be hard to make convo with them.
And that can be quite disheartening knowing that...I used to be realy shy and I am slowly overcoming it. It does take time I think. So I think in order to make sure you dont give the non shy people a wrong impression, smile lots, to show you are friendly and you are enjoying being around them! Look them in the eye if you can, thats a really good thing to do. And yeah ask questions.
So yes they are my tips :) Hope ive helped! Just remember that you do have the ability to overcome shyness, many people do it!! Dont give up and dont let it get you down.
If you feel that you still have trouble, you may want to consider seeing a counsellor. I did for a while and it helped a bit with my shyness. goodluck and let us know how it goes :)
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (5 October 2007):
 A date is an introduction. During the introduction you give limited information about yourself. Too many try to supply their whole life story during the first date.
When on your first date, limited talk about self, a lot of talking about her. Ask questions, during the silence, ask questions about her. She might be shy too, so you have to open that up. One thing worse than two people who are shy is when neither one opens up or starts the conversation.
Remember she's another person, be comfortable, and prepared.
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