A
male
age
51-59,
*hris1975
writes:I am 40 years old and married with my 35 years old wife for 17 years.we have 4 children and our relationship was not going good.ten months ago my wife had an outburst and she left me leaving our 4 children with me to look after.she said to me she was very unhappy with our mariage and she didnt love me anymore.she wants us just to be good friends and nothing more.recently i found out that she seeing a 30 years old man and that she is planing to have sex with him.she says she is happy and she only see the kids 1 day a week and that just for a couple of hours.since i found out about the other man i feel very unhappy as i still love her more than i love my life.everybody tells me to forget her and move on but to me it seems impossible.i am trying to focus on the kids and not thinking about her all the time.please tell me what to do to get her out of my mind and try to move on for my and my kids sake.thank you
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female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (28 April 2011):
 Find family and friends that will help there are also chat rooms for people in this position, you could try those too.
It's a real terrible situation, but hopefully all will gain insight and relief and love. Closed doors will open new doors. As Leonard Cohen says, There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.
A
male
reader, chris1975 +, writes (28 April 2011):
chris1975 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionfirst i want to thank you for your replies as they give me strenth to carry on secondly to say that i don't think is fair to blame her as it wasnt entirely her fault.we love each other very much [now in a different kind way]all this years we never had a fight she was devoted wife and mother but the past 2 years with money financial problems and broken comunication between us she run out of steam.i have to say that i wasn't helping her and she had nobody else to help her.it is two late now but i have learned my lesson.she wants me in her life as a good friend but nothing more.she told me that when she is ready she is going to have sex with her new boyfriend while i feel mentally and physicaly and emotionaly dead.i love her to much to let her go entirely from my life.i will however try to move on with my life and my children that they are victims in this bad situation but i will allways be there in a corner waiting for her.i just want her to be happy and to see how much i love her.i want to thank you once again from the bottom of my heart as you can not imagine how helpfull your answers are to me.i am soory for any bad spelling because english is not my first language.
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A
female
reader, Thornbirds  +, writes (27 April 2011):
 I am thinking how a mother could be so insensitive enough to just simply abandon a husband and 4 children without having some valid reasons for doing so. According to you,the only reason why she left is because she is unhappy with the marriage, and she doesn't love you anymore.In short, your marriage life isn't going well. But, on the other side, it is only your side of the story that we heard of. Okey,regardless of whose fault it is, is not anymore an issue because it is you who is facing this problem and it is you who is suffering, while your wife seemed to have moved on with her life.
Just thinking about the responsibility of taking care of the 4 kids is so stressful and strenuous
task especially if delegated to a father by a runaway mother...but I do not want to put your wife in a bad light because as previously stated, it is only your side of the story that is presented and your wife's story isn't heard.
I cannot also imagine how magnanimous your heart can be to love a woman more than life itself without bitterness and vindictiveness for a mother who abandon 4 children and a husband, simply because she is unhappy with her married life.
Everyone who tells you to forget her is correct,but I understand that to do that isn't that simple and easy. To an onlooker and outsider's perspective, it is easy to give words of comfort, but the very person himself who feels it,it is like being stabbed to death without dying.
Focusing yourself to the kids is the best thing you can do at the moment. Just be patient until your pain subsides in time. When you lament over the loss of your wife, your kids will feel sorry for you seeing their father in a miserable state. You cannot take care of them,and you cannot give the best for them anymore. How can you make them whole when you are totally broken into pieces? You must live your life.Life must go on for you and for your kids. You cannot underestimate the devastating effect of this abandonment to the the kids as well.It brings emotional and psychological harm to them,and it creates wrong perception of what a family is, and ultimately find it difficult to adjust to normal married life in the future.
So much with this, I want you to understand that the absence of a mother can be doubly felt by the kids if the father around them make them feel abandoned because he is busy thinking about her...crying about her all day long..they keep on thinking what the father did to make their mother go away and leave them...is he remorseful of something?
c'mon..cry just one more time and wipe off your tears..unless she deserves an adoration after leaving the 4 young ones with you to enjoy her life all by herself. Isn't it selfishness? Wake up man! Life does not end with a woman like your wife.Your children deserve care and attention from a mother.Where is she? Why do you waste your life thinking and crying over a wife and a mother like her? Just think about it..your children deserve a doting mother.. When you let go of a woman because she chose to desert her children for her own freedom and happiness, if you think it that way, moving on with your life, with your kids without her, is quite easy after sometime. Take care of yourself for the sake of your children, and let her go and take care of herself..with the kind of a mother that she is..she deserves without you and your kids. I may sound prejudice as I don't know the real score of your story..but,this is all I can say. Goodluck and best of cheers!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): Give it some time, she may find out that the grass is not greener on the other side. The new guy may be a jerk. She may start to miss seeing her children everyday. So while I would not tell you to pin all your hopes on her coming back, I would recommend that you stay calm when you speak to her and keep the lines of communication open. Let her know that you still care for her and hope that she will give you another chance to work things out. But that you can't wait forever, and that at some point you will have to move on. With her, or without her.
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A
female
reader, cupidus +, writes (27 April 2011):
60 minutes had a show on Runaway Wives on the CBC website, you could watch that.
I feel sorry for both parties, both trying to play the roles of parents, providers, caretakers. It can become overwhelming.
In your case the situation was not taken seriously until the bubble burst and off she ran.
Pain, regrets and deep grief and of course the children!
I feel for you and the kids and your wife.
It's sad when we do not recognize when we need help.
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A
female
reader, shanana  +, writes (27 April 2011):
I suggest you find a really good therapist.
You will never completely get her out of your head, you have 4 children together which means you should be parenting together. I think the best thing you can do is make ammends and accept the demise of your marriage.
Sometimes people fall out of love. It happens and it's nobody's fault entirely.
Good Luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): I am so sorry for what you are going through. As tough as it is you have to come to understand that this was her decision and you have no control over it. Focus you time and energy on your children and divorce her. Keep a journal of when shes with the kids and when shes not. This will help you alot so you don't get taken to the cleaners. When your not in front of your kids, take time to mourn. Like a death, the separation/disolution of a marriage is the hardest thing anyone can go through. Give youself time to cry, make a journal of what your feelings are everyday, be forgiving of yourself that you did not create this situation no matter what. You cannot control what others might do and you did not drive her to this behavior. Lastly find a counselor to talk to. Many times you can find one through your health insurance. I have used one and it was the best thing I ever did. The misery you feel is inevitable, but what you have to do is go through it in a healthy way.
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A
male
reader, TommyTwice  +, writes (27 April 2011):
ok i think you should talk to her about the children. its not fair to them that they don't see her as much anymore.
i think you should move on from your wife. show her no interest it sounds so hard i know but time is the best healer.
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A
female
reader, belize  +, writes (27 April 2011):
 Its very hard to move on. But moveon you. She will come back
when the guilt kicks in. Thats when you find your self someone, even if you dont love them (might br better if you dont). When she fines out she'll will be back.
You may not even want her back, another woman may care for you more.
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A
male
reader, loveonce  +, writes (27 April 2011):
 I would want you to first decide what would you want to do with her?options are 1.Talk to her,to bring her back for the sake of kids ,at least OR 2.Want to leave her Completely,as you stated in question. Now if you chose 1.then as you told you loved her so much..find out(rather you have)what went wrong from which side..is the matter repairable through personal talks...through kids ..try these if you chose 2.then know that either she was not happy with you (be it emotionally,sexually...),so let her go to search for happiness(her extream step),let her freeOR she was selfish enough to put her happiness and desires above her children,which you can't help,and move on..As you are not like her,has duties of father to perform,so recover soon,trying either way..personal advice:Try compromise first.
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