A
male
age
51-59,
*immyb
writes:My wife cheated on me last April. I walked up on it they where in the back seat on her suv at a bar. Im having trouble getting over it. At first she said they where just talking and a month after that i found out it was more. She tells me it was just touching, kiss. I not trust her, we have been married now for 12 years i dont want to leave her and she doesnt but im have trouble i think about it 50% of my day. How do I get over it? She doesnt like to talk about it she says its been 9 months you (I) should not be thinking about it she says move on to me. How do i do that?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): you do need to get over it otherwise this could damage your life and its not worth throwing your life away 2 things you could do is forget it accpet it as it was the past and just get on with your life you have been togather for a long time if might have not happen yet it could have later on. the 2nd thing is you could just leve her and move on but i dot think that would be easy afther 12 yerars. if you do keep thinking things go to the gym go for a run or join a boxing club or something it will help promise.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): Here is what you do. Forgive her and divorce her. She has shown you what she will do while you are not looking. Her infidelity is NOT about you, it is about her character. There ARE women who will not cheat.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (10 February 2008):
 I had lots of points to make here by I deleted most of them. I don't know her or you. What I do know is you want to give her the benefit of the doubt. The problem is you know how you feel and what was going on. You obviously need to, and are entitled to, vent. Every time she silences you when you talk about it, the damage grows. You're being forced to suppress your feelings by the person who betrayed you. Get some help from a third party because you are obsessing over this. You are probably spending most of your time replaying all the facts in you head, trying to see them from a different angle, making them work in her favor. It won't work, you already know what you know.
She made the mistake. She can not control your healing process too. She has a conflict of interest. Communicate and get professional help. Figure out why she decided to do this in the first place. You have lots of work to do as a cople.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): If you haven't already, an option to consider is talking it out. Understanding what another felt and why it happened gives understanding to the situation. This may open the door for compassion. Many times it seems, we take each other for granted. Other times, we maybe suseptible to warmth and caring from others if we don't have a solid foundation of it from our mate.What she did and the lying is the worse betrayal, and you have every right to feel hurt and angry. Problem though, is that your stuck in it, which tells me you still haven't received the answers so that it can not be repeated again, meaning she has needs, you have needs, and that the two of you will meet each others needs. Both of you need to talk this out and make a new commitment to each other. If the hurts are not resolved and understood, you won't be able to release and forgive, and you both will not be able to move on and put this in the past.
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A
male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (9 February 2008):
 A betrayal like this is not something you get over or move on from. How can you forget seeing your wife have sex with this man in an suv? That's an image I can never shake off. I wouldn't... and I dont know where to begin to forget it.
So yuur choice is A)lobotomy, the surest way to forget it, B)Live with it, and learn to love it (some guys think its hot seeing their wives cheat) C) Counseling, which doesnt work as good as lobotomy or D)Divorce!
If you will ignore my humor I do think this is the biggest stab one married partner can give another. Some survive this kind of thing and do all right. Personally if it were me in your shoes...and I do know how you feel, I would start thinking about how to cut ties with her. In my own experience I made the stupid mistake others suggested and tried to make myself forget it.....its not something you can snap your fingers and do. One thing I could do, and also recommend you do is forgive her. But after you forgive her, end it.
I know 12 years is a lot to go through to end like this...but what can you do? Live twelve more years with an image that will always haunt you?
She left you behind when she fucked this guy in the back of an suv. You ought to leave her behind too, for your own sanity.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (9 February 2008):
 You should forgive her and ask her to forgive you for this pain which you inflict on each other.Then you can release all those hurts that has build up in your system.
Think of all those 12 years and do not let any thing come in between you two.
Nobody is perfect and you are not perfect too. You do not want to leave and so does she. You should ignore those thoughts when it hits you.
It is just like those birds which flew over your head.Let them pass but do not let them sit on your head and build a nest on it.
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (9 February 2008):
 I've never been married. But I have had a situation where someone told me to move on, yet they wouldn't clarify things all the way. I agree with the first person-counseling. But if counseling is going to work she has to be honest. And it sounds like she hasn't been honest with you so far, which makes me wonder if she can't be honest with someone she's been with for twelve years, how can she possibly be honest with a counselor(someone she's never met!) It's impossible for you to move on without getting closure. Closure would be her actually being honest with you about that night, but it seems like she doesn't want to be. It's easy for her to tell you to get over it, stop asking questions, etc., when it wasn't done to her.
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A
male
reader, Asexy +, writes (9 February 2008):
 Well, first of all, counseling, and lots of it. She still has her lumps to take. Before you know you can trust her again (and so move on) you need to know that she's (1) not still doing it, (2) not going to do it again, (3) and that she understands why it's wrong and why it hurt you.
Print this out and discuss it with her: http://www.ehow.com/how_2040630_spouse-trust-again.html
Good luck.
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