A
female
age
30-35,
*ccmal6
writes:Hi, i'm 22 and currently dating a guy who is about to turn 29. I have know him for two years and he has been trying to get me to go out with him, but i had a boyfriend and when i became single, questioned going out with him because he seemed too serious and i am very outgoing and friendly. Well finally i took him up on a date and had an amazing time and since then it has been great. We laugh all the time and really get along. He's so funny and i love his family. we've been dating now for 5 months and i'm pretty much staying at his house. But he is extremely untrusting. He use to be in the marines and got cheated on when in Iraq. well, that pretty much broke his heart, then he got into another relationship for 4 years with a girl who was clinically diagnosed with bi-polar. So she would always tell him how horrible he is and crazy things like that. He claims to hate all women.I knew all of this going into the relationship, but figured i would risk it because i've honestly never felt this way before. I usually keep myself extremely protected because i never want to get hurt. but with him it has been different. I always get questioned from him and constantly asked who i'm with or who i'm talking to, and i have no problem with it because i figure i'll do whatever it takes to prove to him that i love him and that i have nothing to hide. But nothing seems to work and i feel like this may be a lost cause and maybe i should give up.Just for an example, the other night we were watching a movie and i had seen it before with him, but it turned out that it was with my 3 younger sisters. At the time i couldn't exactly remember but told him it had to be with them, because they are the only other people i spend time with. but he never believed me and kept accusing me of seeing it with another guy. That night turned out with me leaving and now he will barely talk to me and is saying i'm just like his ex's. I don't know what to do to make this work, we hardly ever argue and we have such a good time together. I don't want to loose him but i don't want to make him unhappy either.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 December 2011):
 Something Cerberus said makes GREAT sense (as usual) that is people that talk badly about EXs are a bad sign… I realize now that ALL the partners I have ever had have only ever spoken HIGHLY of the exes even when the relationship ended badly and it was the exes fault. My partner would always take THEIR part of the responsibility for the break up. Very mature.
As for your stuff and his gift… if it was VERY expensive… return it. No need to waste good money after bad. If it’s important to you for closure however, give him the gift…. Much like Cerberus said…. Call him tell him you have something for him… go over there… give him the gift gather your stuff and BE DONE with this child. Just because he is older does not make him more mature than you.
AND WHY oh WHY is it up to him if you break up or not… He treats you like CRAP and you want to stay with him because????
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2011): Read this and see if it makes any sense to you OP. See if there are other things here you can relate to.
http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2011): If his birthday is in two days then it's time you took control of the situation. Personally the way he's acting I'd call up today or tomorrow with the birthday gift to collect my stuff. Give him the gift, walk past him, grab your things and leave. That would be my response and while some may think it's better to sit down and talk etc. He's gone beyond that now by treating you like this.
It's time for action and it's time you grew a pair of balls OP. You're still dropping to your knees begging him to be nice again which is exactly what that text you sent means.
"But I am refusing to be talked to like this." No you're not, you're not refusing, you're on your hands and knees here OP. You're the one who should be pissed yet instead you're the one who's trying to make it up to him and trying to see if he's calmed down yet by letting him know you miss him and asking him if you're breaking up.
You know I can't believe I actually missed this the first time I read and replied to this but people who talk badly about their exes are trouble OP. It's not a good sign. I have exes that really messed me over in the past but I hold no bad feelings towards them, none at all, I have nothing bad to say about them because they're part of a past that has made me who I am. I'm starting to think it's not his ex that made him this way but that maybe that was her way of responding to the way he acts. It kind of makes sense to me to be honest because everyone reacts differently to this kind of childish, controlling nonsense that almost verges on emotional abuse.
It sounds to me like he tried this crap with her and she told him to feck off. I think this OP because he's turning all this back on you, which is complete fantasy isn't it? It makes no sense, so you can't trust what he says about his exes treatment of him either because it could well have been him acting this way and turning it back on her to justify his actions. We are creatures of habit OP. This is not the first time he's acted this way and it won't be the last because this is a very menial issue he has turned into a major blow out and used as an excuse to insult you and put you down, and what do you do? You crawl back to him and offer him and olive branch. He owes you an apology and he has to make this up to you and take responsibility for this.
Something tells me he won't though OP and something tells me his ex had to deal with all this too and she found her chance to get away from him when he was gone.
Unless you grow a pair and stand up to him he'll never respect you and he'll just keep doing this OP. Minor issues will become huge deals, he'll go cold and nasty, start putting all the blame on you and putting you down and you'll keep crawling back for more. You'll say you're not going to put up with it but your actions then will make your words lies. Is that the kind of relationship you want? It's only been 5 months, wait and see how bad things get after the honeymoon period is over.
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female
reader, dccmal6 +, writes (28 December 2011):
dccmal6 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for everyone's advice, it has been very helpful. Although last night, i texted him that I missed and and got the reply back, "sure" and I replied with, "Well thought you should know." And then the conversation ended with hi telling me that he's still mad at me and that he thinks i'm childish, immature and a liar. I haven't replied back and now we haven't talked for a whole day. But I am refusing to be talked to like this. I don't understand why he is treating me like this over something that shouldn't matter. I feel that since he is older, calling me immature and childish is easy, but when in actuality he is the one being childish and immature.
I have things at his house that I need to get, but I want to see him when I do. Should I show up unannounced? And tell him i'm just there to get my stuff?
Also, his birthday is in two days and I have a gift for him and really wanted this day to be special, should I still give him the gift or take it back?
I talked to him yesterday about if he just wants to break up and he said, "No, that he wants us to stay together." But how can someone want to stay together when all he's doing is pushing me away??
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 December 2011):
My fiancé says all the time “I hate people” and I get what he means. He hates that he has to interact with folks that he does not trust. He hates that he has to be involved with people at all.. and he warned me “you will learn”… and he’s right I did… he has minimal tolerance for other peoples BS… mine he’s a bit more accepting of as with me he finds it ‘endearing” or at least I try to make him see it that way.
I don’t’ see the “I hate women” as your problem. Not at all.. Many people say stuff like that… no what I see as your problem is the lack of trust on his part. Caused NOT by you but by his past. YOU being punished for his PAST is not fair.
How much fun is it to constantly be on your guard worried that something you might say will upset him?
How much fun is it to be constantly accused of cheating when it’s not true?
How much fun is it to have to WORRY all the time about how to MAKE this work?
If you are being treated like this 5 months into a relationship and asking for help on how to make it work now… what do you think happens in 5 years? That’s right you are here on DC posting
“please help me figure out how to leave my controlling jealous untrusting partner”
Because to be honest, this behavior will NOT get better… it’s going to get worse… IF he does NOT trust you based on SOMEONE ELSE’S behavior NOTHING you do will fix that.
“we hardly ever argue”
So when you are wrongly accused of cheating what happens? You fall in his lap and love on him till he forgets? You cry? You take it? DO YOU NOT DEFEND YOUR HONOR? To me if I was accused of something I did not do, I’d be fighting mad.
You don’t want to lose him? What do you have? A man who accuses you of lying. A man who accuses you of cheating… a man who is not filling your emotional vessel but instead is draining you and wearing you out.
Why are you so worried about not hurting him and making him unhappy when clearly you are hurt and unhappy and he’s not the one who CARES about how YOU feel…..
I get the wanting to make him happy and prove to him that you are different but it’s not your job to fix him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2011): If he hates all women and you're a woman then he hates you too doesn't he? Before you say something like "I'm different" or "He'll change" I'm sorry but neither of those are true.Honestly you made a big mistake by letting him get away with it. You should have clamped down on it early OP. But now he is in the habit of 5 months of you appeasing his insecurities so now he knows he can flip out when he wants and you won't stop him. Well it's time you laid down the law, unless of course you want this relationship to continue to deteriorate as you bow down to his insecurities. You have a taste now of what happens when you do this. You see he's fine with flipping out, sure he'll probably do the "Oh I'm sorry, it's just me" thing and you'll accept it but that would be wrong of you. You need to take a stand once and for all. You tell him in detail and for the last time, that: A. You will never cheat on him.B. You don't want to be with anyone else.C. Knowing all this it is time for him to stop controlling you.D. He cannot flip out over these tiny little things any more with you, you will no longer feed his insecurities.E. You will no longer be talked down to, or distrusted, either he trusts you or it will simply not work between you.If you want my honest opinion though OP, this relationship is doomed because I honestly think you're too afraid of losing him to actually stand up for yourself and you're just going to let him walk all over you, treat you like a fool, act like a child and then come crawling back, or even worse make you crawl back apologetic when you have done nothing wrong.You're spending too much of your time and effort trying to "prove" yourself to him, well it takes two OP. He has to prove himself to you and doing what he's doing he's not doing that. I personally think you're screwed anyway because right from the outset of this relationship he's held every tiny bit of power. He can even play the emotional blackmail card of saying "right maybe it would be better if we weren't together" and you'll cave in and bow down to him again.You want to the truth as I see it? Clinically diagnosed as bipolar, a deep lack of trust of women, immensely possessive, controlling, emotionally unstable and not at all able to deal with his gigantic insecurities. How he deals with it is to close himself off and act like a baby. What of any of those things do you think you're going to be able to handle in the long term OP? It's only been 5 months ad you're already coming close to the end of what you can actually take from this guy. You're out of ideas now, why? Because you've done the opposite of what you should have because you don't want to rock the boat. But the boat is in a storm OP you have to be strong and steady it and means standing up for yourself and not being treated this way. You see if you stand up for yourself and he walks away then what what chance would you have had in the future, what kind of life could you really expect with this guy.The only way to resolve this is to tell him how you feel, that you've had enough of this insecurity, you cannot allow yourself to be punished for what some bitch did to him in the past and you have to tell him he has to work at this or you don't stand a chance. It's that easy OP and if he agrees to try then you have to make sure he doesn't slip up but I really don't think this is going to work out at all. Guys like him, as nice as he may be, as funny as he may, are just not relationship material. They make great friends, they're great people too but this kind of insecurity is not conducive to a healthy relationship. So either keep playing this fools game with him, keep appeasing him and being his enabler or be a woman and stand up for yourself, get the treatment you deserve make him prove himself to you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2011): Just for an example, the other night we were watching a movie and i had seen it before with him, but it turned out that it was with my 3 younger sisters. At the time i couldn't exactly remember but told him it had to be with them, because they are the only other people i spend time with. but he never believed me and kept accusing me of seeing it with another guy. That night turned out with me leaving and now he will barely talk to me and is saying i'm just like his ex's.This is pathetic. No offence but you are wasting your time on a guy that has some issues that are going to take a long time to solve. you know what the funny thing is people like this want you to do that, they want you to cheat or spend time with other guys. Reason you ask?? how could someone do this?? he hates all women, all women cheat on him, all women spend time with other guys and not with him. and guess what you are in that group of all women and if you do or when you do it then he can break up with you and he then can tell himself that ha i was right all women are like that. you need to break up with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2011): I know how tough it can be to cope with someone who has such severe trust issues. Of course it isn't their fault - they're suffering terribly as a result of the emotional scars they bear. But you know, you can't spend your entire life walking on eggshells!
I think you need to have an honest talk with your partner, because deep down you both seem to feel that your relationship is worth fighting for. Other women hurt him badly in the past, yet he was desperate to date *you*... and despite your initial reservations, when you started spending time together you found you got along really well. Tell your partner that you'll never to anything to hurt him intentionally. That you do understand why he finds it difficult to put his trust in others, but you intend to be different from the other women who've shaped his (erroneous) conclusions. Perhaps that sounds like a lot to live up to at first, but if you mean it, you'll find it won't seem like an effort at all.
One thing though - never feel that you have to do anything and everything to prove your love. You're still entitled to a private life; you mustn't let your partner's insecurities control you. Ultimately, if there's no improvement in the situation over time, you might have to consider walking away. Hard as it is, sometimes we have to accept that a person simply cannot overcome their problems and are inadvertently causing us more harm than good. But it doesn't have to come to that; you seem to have a pretty solid relationship overall. For now, just have a chat and see how things pan out :) Good luck and take care x
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 December 2011):
 I think you are going about this the wrong way, you are so concerned about not making him unhappy and not at all about him making YOU unhappy ?
What about you ? Are you sure you can be happy, regardless of the good times, with such a controlling, paranoid personality ...? It sounds like he has got big issues and rather than working on them , seeking counseling etc. he prefers to blame his problems on women- all women.
Personally I could not stand, let alone date, a man who hates all women. Not out of feminism , just because that sounds like plain kooky. It 'd make me uncomfortable.
I know you want this to work, but I am skeptical, and I am afraid that he is more "work " than it's worth your time.
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A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (27 December 2011):
I understand that he's been treated poorly in the past, but that does not give him an excuse to treat you this way, and you should let him know it. The majority of relationship issues can be solved through communicating with each other, and this is no exception.Sit him down and tell him that you don't think you deserve to be mistrusted and belittled when you've given him absolutely no reason to think so. If he doesn't listen to you directly, there isn't much else you can do.Though his mind has become really one-sided, hopefully he can get past his other experiences and start treating you right. Best of luck.
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female
reader, dccmal6 +, writes (27 December 2011):
dccmal6 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt would be very helpful if anyone has any type of advice for this question. I'm running out of ideas myself and would really appreciate it if I got some type of advice on how to handle this situation.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2011): It sounds as if he was already unhappy when you met him. So theres little risk that you will make him any unhappier than he already was. The real worry is that he is going to make you very unhappy. Until he has worked through his trust issues and gotten over his ex`s, he shouldn`t be trying to date seriously.He needs a reality check from you because you sound to be a lovely girl, who is going the extra mile to be patient and understanding with him. You say he is not speaking to you much at the moment because he is convinced you saw a film with another guy and have been lying to him about it. He has basically called you a liar and compared you to his ex girlfriends. That is hugely offensive of him and he has over stepped the mark in my opinion by doing that..and now HE is sulking with you?! Wow, what a manipulator. You need to have a chat with him and tell him that he doesnt deserve to date you and until he is prepared to grow up and treat you like an individual and judge you on your own merit, you arent interested in dating him. Dont chase him. Make him come to you on your terms. Otherwise he will lead you a merry dance and you will always have to make up for what others did to him. That is not your job. Until he grows up and realises that he is behaving badly then honestly, he is not worth dating.
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