A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been split with my ex wife for almost two years now. We were together for a long time (decades) and have a child together so we talk/see each other often. I did not want the divorce, but I have tried to move on. I stil think about her and the good years almost every day. I miss not coming home to my family and it's been torture for all of us. I worry a lot for my son who has become very withdrawn and quiet. Last night I took him out for his birthday, and my ex asked me to keep him out till 9. The only reason I can think of is she had a guy over. I know she's had boyfiends and was dating, but something about really knowing she needed "time" to have sex or whatever really dug deep and is effing me up inside. Why do I feel messed up about her all this time later? Is it normal to miss your ex for years? Can I do something to get over this? I really have no one to talk to and I dare not talk to her.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2011): Thanks for your responses. Yes, I have become selective in thinking of only the good in the marriage, while we both became disconnected and there were definitely problems. I need to focus on the reality of the situation. It's good to hear people tell you tho.
I do have friends, but they have listened to me bellyache enough and I am trying to leave them out of my problems. I have also dated, and have a girlfriend, but the feelings I have for the past do interfere a bit with me being fully in th emoment with her, so it affects that too, which I dont like.
I may try a church group or something. I can't go on mourning the loss of the past.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2011): You have to find a way to move on because this isn't healthy for you. Your ex has or is moving on with her life, so you should too. Otherwise your depression may affect your child or hold you back from spending quality time with your child. It's always harder on the spouse who didn't want the divorce, but you have to accept that she wanted the divorce for a reason. by thinking about her and the good times every day, while ignoring the bad times (the things that led up to the divorce), you're keeping yourself stuck. Your memory of the past has become selective - you're focusing only on the good times while not remembering the bad times which are every bit as real. It can be especially hard if you're an introverted or shy person by nature and don't have many friends or social connections. That can make you cling all the more to a failed marriage but that's all the more reason you have to move on because it's just not healthy to put all your eggs in one basket (your marriage) anyway whether it ends in divorce or not, but especially if it ends in divorce.I suggest you join a divorce support group or more specifically a support group for divorced men so you have other people to talk to who can offer you regular support. good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2011): I have been in the same situation. It can be easy for people to say let go.....but that can be hard, especially when you still have contact.
The only thing that helped me is to keep dating. I had a couple of years of dating people who i unfairly compared to my ex. Then i found one who i think a lot of which helps considerably.
I still think of my ex, but i dont have any feelings attached when i do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2011): I have been in the same situation. It can be easy for people to say let go.....but that can be hard, especially when you still have contact. The only thing that helped me is to keep dating. I had a couple of years of dating people who i unfairly compared to my ex. Then i found one who i think a lot of which helps considerably. I still think of my ex, but i dont have any feelings attached when i do.
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A
female
reader, Zennith  +, writes (27 December 2011):
I think its difficult because the divorce was not your choice. also ive been told that the body has a memory too, so its not just about getting her out of your head. the only thing that worked for me was to start seeing other people, and hopefully find someone to love. its a good idea to join groups, for example ive joined a dance class and a book club.
your imagination is far greater than whats real, thats why that situation with her is messing you up.
Let go, what must be will be.
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