A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a man for about 6 months, we were friends for 6 months before that. He lived with a woman for 15-17 years before we meet, (they broke up 1 year before we started dating) At some point they became engaged. I do not know much about the relationship other than he claims it was very unhealthy and he hung on hoping it would change, including becoming engaged to the woman. I know in the end they broke up over large debts she did not tell him about. She became engaged to someone else almost instantly after they broke up, that is all I know. He is very "closed lipped" about the relationship and just about everything else as well. He began asking me to marry him very early in our dating phase - I do love the man, so I agreed by saying "some day, I hope" I am suddenly feeling very insecure about his past relationship - and feel like everything he says to me is a comment in comparison to the previous relationship and he might want to get married because his ex is getting married/engaged. I want to ask him questions about the ex, i.e. how long they were engaged… but feel he will see my insecurity in a negative light and it will appear I am prying - how do I make this awful feeling go away?
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female
reader, IamJess +, writes (10 July 2012):
 If you feel this way you should probably be careful and go steady with him, he probably wants to get married to you because his other relationship went so fast he feels he wants to get back to that stage but with you and rush all the first bits and just be married.
You need to talk to him and tell him you want to take things slow if your not ready for marriage and tell him that you can't rush this, because when the times right, it will be special and you will know that you want to say yes, when right now you obviously don't know the right answer, which isn't going to be very special.
You obviously wouldn't propose to someone you didn't or couldn't see yourself spending the rest of your life with, he obviously likes you, don't be worried about that, you just need to take it slower, and hope that he isn't doing it to get to his ex partner.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (10 July 2012):
 A cult of 2? YIKES! Be careful with this guy and REALLY take it slow. It takes 2 to make a relationship unhealthy, and he's bringing 50% of that unhealth into your relationship. Trust me, a proposal of marriage too quickly shows me that there is some lack of health on his end.
Go very very slow on this one! Enjoy his company, but do not rush, nor allow yourself to be rushed. Do not let the fear of losing him cause you to act on things sooner than you normally would. This is your first relationship since the divorce, but you've been around the block! You know when something feels right or feels off.
Trust your gut and never "blow off" a feeling about this guy. When a guy talks about his unhealthy relationship in terms of a "cult", what he's really meaning is "co-dependent", which is just as destructive in a relationship stance as substance abuse. If he was getting his emotional needs met BY the dysfunction, then you're in for a bumpy ride.
Stay focused on YOUR emotional health above all else! Never lose sight of that, and proceed with extreme caution.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your replies. In response, no they do not have any children together. He never really talks about her, the only time he comes close is to say how much better I know him is such a short period of time and sometimes makes sly comparisons about how I am so much more fun et al. than his ex. I have no idea if he searches out any news about her, he does not appear to maintain any friendships they had mutually - but I don't have any idea who he talks to during the day.
He compared being the previous relationship to being in "a cult" - but if I joking refer to his "cult days" he jumps in and defends her. I have a college age child from a marriage than ended more than ten years ago, the fact that I have a child from previous relationship gets brought up, in response inquiries about his past relationship. This is the first serious relationship I have attempted since my divorce, I elected not to date seriously until my child was out of the house - I feel like I am in deep water, and I don't know what is proper. Thanks again for the replies, I will try and talk to him and see how it goes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your replies. In response, no they do not have any children together. He never really talks about her, the only time he comes close is to say how much better I know him is such a short period of time and sometimes makes sly comparisons about how I am so much more fun et al. than his ex. I have no idea if he searches out any news about her, he does not appear to maintain any friendships they had mutually - but I don't have any idea who he talks to during the day.
He compared being the previous relationship to being in "a cult" - but if I joking refer to his "cult days" he jumps in and defends her. I have a college age child from a marriage than ended more than ten years ago, the fact that I have a child from previous relationship gets brought up, in response inquiries about his past relationship. This is the first serious relationship I have attempted since my divorce, I elected not to date seriously until my child was out of the house - I feel like I am in deep water, and I don't know what is proper. Thanks again for the replies, I will try and talk to him and see how it goes.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (10 July 2012):
 Aside of that, I disagree that you should bring it up in light conversation and say that you are there for him. Being in a mature relationship means that you are going to address issues in an open and honest way. Not bring it up in light conversation and then you continue to dwell on it for the rest of your life. I know what the posters are saying here and I respect their opinions that exes are exes. That is true, and you know that you are the current special woman in his life. But, I think you are more concerned that the mistakes he made in his first relationship are going to be repeated with you if you do not proactively know what they were and take positive action to make sure they do not happen again.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (10 July 2012):
You have every right to ask those questions, and if he is serious about the proposal, he will answer them. It is not prying or being insecure. It is wanting simple answers to simple questions that he should be willing to discuss with you. If he is not willing to discuss them, you have some choices to make. I would simply tell him what you said here. You are feeling insecure about his past and would like to sit down and discuss it with him. If you cannot sit and discuss this as a couple, what other topics will be "off-limits" to him? Tell him you know that the relationship hurt him, but you would like to know what happened for your own peace of mind. If he won't discuss with you, you should consider telling him the marriage is indefinitely postponed until he wishes to share past parts of his life with you. I would not make that commitment until you are sure this is the man you want to marry.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 July 2012):
I wouldn't classify this as relationship insecurity, though it feels like it fits. In this case, your feelings are extremely smart to have.
You've been dating for 6 months -- WAY too soon to be talking about marriage. Many couples haven't even declared that they love each other at 6 months in, much less had the marriage talk.
Your feelings about this, as well as the fact that this ex is now engaged to another, does look suspicious. No one wants to be the date that someone uses to make an ex jealous, and no one wants to be a rebound either. In this guy's case, 1 year after 15 years can still be a rebound.
What you need to do is slow the relationship way down. If he is tight-lipped about things, now isn't the time to plan a marriage. Take plenty of time to get to know him, discover traits in him that are or aren't compatible, and decide for yourself what your future is.
And by ALL MEANS, be very cautious. My guard would be way up if a boyfriend proposed marriage to me too soon, because that is a possible sign of flakeout, especially if it's in response to an ex becoming engaged.
There's nothing wrong with talking to him about how you feel. This isn't like the insecurity of jealousy. This is the caution of something not quite smelling right, and it's very wise of you to be this way. People get hurt when they dismiss or chide themselves for questioning something irregular.
Does he still have contact with his ex? Do they share children together? Does he still search out news about her from past mutual friends or social networking?
Again, be very cautious, and slow the relationship down. Marriage shouldn't be on the table yet at this stage this soon after such a long relationship. Remember, he claimed that he got engaged with her "to try and change things" with her. Why did he hold off 15 years on this relationship, yet jump headlong into it within 6 months with you? That is suspicious. Be careful.
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A
female
reader, AbigailBradbury +, writes (9 July 2012):
 Relationships are all about honesty. It's only natural that you want to know all about his past and his relationships. However, you must realise that exes are "exes" for a reason and that he is obviously moving on. He may well be insecure if she is engaged, as they were together a long time. This does not mean he still holds a torch for her; it's just hard seeing an ex move on that's all. Bring it up in a light conversation. Just tell him you are there for him and that he can tell you anything.
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