A
female
age
30-35,
*ainbowponies
writes:Recently a guy I really liked broke up with me and as much as I logically know I need to move on I can't make myself want to. We were only together for a few months but I really liked him. We got on incredibly well , made each other laugh. He seemed to like me the way I was and I liked him the way he was. He made me a better version of myself and I didn't feel jealous or insecure as I have in past relationships. I wanted to wait before having sex and he was ok with that. He constantly reassured me that there was no pressure and tried to calm the fears and doubts I had surrounding it. All in all I thought we were going good places. He had a kid. This shocked me at first (we are both in our early twenties). He told me on our second date and said he understood it might be a deal breaker. I took a little time to think but decided I was okay with it. After the initial shock had warn off the only thing that mattered to me was that he was a good dad, which he was. He loves her so much and that pleased me. He put her first but that was what I wanted him to do. I couldn't have respected him if he didn't.His daughter turned out to be a problem in a different way though. After about 2 months he told me he wasn't sure he could do a relationship because he felt like he shouldn't be investing in anyone but her at that time but he loved me and so he didn't know what to do. Later that evening he came round and he said he had just been scared and we agreed to take things slower. We are both at university so the day after that I went back to my parents home and didn't see him for 3 weeks. In that time he communicated far less and I was fairly sure he was going to end it. When I saw him again he was different. Colder. He didn't laugh with me as much, kissed me every so often but not in the same way. A few times he acted like he still cared. I don't know if he was trying hard to pretend he did or if he was trying to pretend he didn't. Anyway, I knew it was over so I asked him if he still wanted to be with me and he said "no, not really." He didn't explain himself properly, only saying he didn't want to be in a relationship, but I was too busy trying to make jokes and act like I didn't care to get a real reason. I told him he would regret it because I am awesome and he laughed and agreed but said he was sure. Later that day I wanted a proper reason and texted to ask for one but he didn't text back.Since then I haven't contacted him (it's been 2 weeks) but I'm having issues making myself want to move on. I know we weren't together long and it doesn't hurt like it did when my 4 year relationship ended but I can't convince myself emotionally that he won't change his mind. I know logically he wouldn't have ended it unless he was sure but emotionally I can't shake the feeling it's not fully over. How do I make myself want to move on?
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (4 October 2013):
Hi there. Thanks for getting back to me.
I'm glad you are meeting up with this guy tomorrow, and it will be nice to catch up again.
Friendship is a start, and a good one.
When you meet up, don't have any expectations of it - other than friendship.
Yes, be friendly of course.
What I mean by "no expectations" is don't mention relationships and don't even hint at it.
And instead just assume friendship, and see what happens after that.
And don't act like he is your boyfriend, just treat him as a good friend.
His life is fairly complicated with a child being a part of it, and so that will be a BIG consideration for him for at least the next 16 years or so.
Even though his daughter lives with her mother, he has at least a 50% involvement in his daughter's life, which might only be once a fortnight having her for the weekend.
And anything else that might come up in between each visit he has.
And so realistically, he has to put his daughter before everything else in his life - up until a point.
He is still entitled to some happiness himself, even though he is a father.
There is another point I just thought about here.
He may be reserved about personal romantic relationships, because he is afraid that his daughter's mother will STOP him seeing his daughter if he were to be in a serious relationship with someone else.
And this DOES happen sometimes - out of bitterness, and jealousy of the freedom the father has to just do his own thing.
Even if his ex has never said this, he may be playing it safe - just in case.
He doesn't want to be cut out of his daughter's life.
Don't mention this to him, but just be a good friend to him - but WITHOUT any expectation of anything more.
And see what happens with time.
A
female
reader, Rainbowponies +, writes (2 October 2013):
Rainbowponies is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, I know it's been a while but I really appreciate the advice and I thought I'd let you know. I am doing my best to move on and I'm glad I didn't mope the whole summer away. I still have feelings but I'm trying to put these aside. I also didn't contact him at all but I bumped into him at a society event. We didn't talk but I did smile at him to show there were no hard feelings. We are meeting up tomorrow now. Although I know I'm probably going to have to accept being his friend for the time being, I think I can deal with that. I hope I can.
I just wanted you to know that I really am genuinely grateful for helping me through all the post-break-up pain. :)
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (30 August 2013):
Hi there. You will naturally want someone exactly like him, because he has those special qualities that make you happy to be with him and to consider in your mind, that there could be a future with him.
However in saying that, it does seem that the time is not right just yet, for you to be together in a serious relationship.
For a few more years, he is going to have his daughter as his top priority, and this will almost certainly come BEFORE any romantic relationship.
And this is what you are really dealing with here.
And it's a tough call, I realize.
And it won't be easy by any means.
And rest assured, it probably isn't any easier for him either.
Because although he would probably really enjoy a romantic relationship now, in his heart, he knows that he should put his daughter first.
And it probably gets him down at times, as it can be quite lonely without someone to share his life with and to support him emotionally.
And because you are not the mother of his daughter, he no doubt doesn't want to bring you into the problems that come with bringing up a child without a partner.
He probably just doesn't want to lumber you with something like that, and all the pressures that go with it and the demands.
And there no doubt, would be many many demands on his time, when it comes to his daughter.
There are just so many considerations here, that are really getting in the way of him truly committing to you the way he believes you deserve to be.
For instance, if he made plans to see you and take you out somewhere, and then all of a sudden, he found out that he had to take his daughter somewhere for school or sport of something else, then he would have to cancel the date with you.
And it seems, that he doesn't want to do that and have it happen pretty regularly.
Because, he knows how disappointing that would be for you.
PLUS, he knows that you would get angry and it would lead to many arguments.
And he just doesn't want to go down that path at all.
And so I believe it isn't anything against you, or anything you have said or done.
This is mainly about the wrong timing for starting a relationship.
I assume his daughter is living with her mother, which then means that he has his daughter about every 2 weeks or so, on a weekend.
Or some such agreement between him and his daughter's mother.
And there is no way to compete with his relationship with his daughter, because if you ever showed jealousy towards his daugher and the time he spends with her, it would put pressure on him and make him very unhappy.
And this in turn would come between you and drive a wedge between you and him.
And so you don't want that.
What is needed most here, is to give him some space.
And no contact.
Which means don't text or call him.
And let him initiate any contact.
And when he does, don't put pressure on him for anything more than he can commit to.
And this might mean that you have to settle at the moment, for being just friends.
And with time, just see how things go.
This is really about all I can recommend at the moment.
And of course the long leisurely walks, and writing in your journal and putting your thoughts down on paper.
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A
female
reader, Rainbowponies +, writes (29 August 2013):
Rainbowponies is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing is I do want someone exactly like him, that's the problem. I basically found my dream guy and he wasn't ready to be with me. My friends tell me that I'll find someone better but I don't want anyone "better" I want him. I know he wasn't perfect but I liked him the way he was.
It's not like I want to date anyone now. I'm just scared that I'll be alone forever. That no one will love me again or that no one will ever be quite as much what I want again.
The diary idea is helpful though, thanks. It stops me from bugging my friends with the same problems and feelings over and over again :)
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (27 August 2013):
Hi. It is an automatic thing to compare new guys with the one you just stopped seeing.
Everyone is different, and no two people are exactly the same.
But you don't want someone exactly the same as him anyway, do you?
We are all unique, and no two are alike.
It is not a wise thing to even go looking for anyone new at the moment, for this very reason.
You need to make peace with yourself, before you will be ready to go out into the dating world again.
This could take up to 6 months or so. Perhaps even longer.
And you also need to accept the situation of this man and his daughter, because it isn't going to change for quite some time yet.
As I was saying, there is no easy way to just make it all go away.
There is always things like going away for a few days on a bit of a holiday, if you have any holiday leave due to you.
A change of scenery can sometimes distract us, and take our minds off things for a short time at least.
I don't think I have said this to you as yet, but I have found over the years, that writing all your thoughts and feelings into a journal, and any ideas you have also, can often be very helpful when you have things on your mind.
You just write it all down on paper - in a lined exercise book - and just keep writing, until you can't think of anything else to say.
It is for your eyes only, no-one else will ever read It.
It is like keeping a diary, I suppose you could say.
On the first line, you write the day of the week, and then the date and underline it.
Then on the next line, you just start writing down everything that goes through your mind at the time about your situation, and everything that bothers you about it.
This can be extrememly therapeutic, and can bring great clarity as well.
You would honestly be very surprised - and pleasantly so.
Also, going for long leisurely walks whenever you feel a bit down, can also help a lot.
And while you are walking, you often will find that many thoughts and ideas will come to you about life, and your situation, and this can help tremendously as well.
And this can also bring clarity to you.
And going for regular walks, can also help you to sleep well at night.
Try it, I believe it could make a difference in a positive way.
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A
female
reader, Rainbowponies +, writes (26 August 2013):
Rainbowponies is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry to keep bothering you. I'm not just sitting about the house feeling sorry for myself. I've been working and seeing friends. The trouble is I just don't enjoy it any more. I feel like I get more miserable every day. I don't know if it's just finally starting to feel real because I'm realising properly that he won't change his mind. I went out with my sister and a few friends the other night and all it did was remind me that I'm alone.I worry that I'm not going to find anyone like him again. I look at guys and think "he's cute but I don't care because I bet he wouldn't make me laugh, I bet he wouldn't be the right level of sarcastic and complimentary, I bet he wouldn't be into the same things I am." How do I make the hurting stop? I'm doing my best but I feel like I'm getting depressed. I don't like myself the way I used to either and it doesn't help that I found out recently that the guy I was with before him, who I wasted 4 years of my life with, cheated on me multiple times. Why do people never care about me as much as I care about them? Sorry, I don't mean to be so miserable only I feel bad complaining to my friends. It only makes me feel self obsessed and them worry about me.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (16 August 2013):
Hi. What I meant by giving the situation time, is that you get on with your own life and see your friends.
Don't just sit around and mope.
You will never forget him, that's impossible.
So don't think that you ever could.
In any case, this is something over which you have no control whatsoever.
You may go through a type of grieving, and so whenever you feel sad or disappointed, if you feel like crying, well then go ahead and cry.
It does help a person to feel better, that's for sure.
And it relieves that tight knot we sometimes get in our stomachs, when we are upset.
You can't change this situation of his, because he will have his daughter around him, at least until she is 16 to about 18.
And by that time, she will be more independent.
There really is no simple or magical cure, for feeling the way you do at the moment.
You will see him when you return to uni, but you don't have to walk up to him.
You can simply keep your distance.
And if you see him, just smile and say "Hi" but keep on walking.
Or if you catch his gaze from a distance, you could smile and give a little friendly wave, but again - keep on walking.
Or else if you see him walking in your direction, you could simply walk the other way.
And with this society you both belong to, well then you don't have to hang around with him there either.
If you have to go to meetings for this society, well then don't sit beside him.
You can always sit somewhere else.
Or you could drop out of the society altogether.
It is completely up to you.
As I was saying, there is no magical cure for this situation.
There is nothing whatsoever you can do to just make it all go away.
It's just not going to happen, unfortunately.
You need to come to a place in your life, where you accept it for what it is, and then you can move on.
I can't offer you any advice, other than that.
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A
female
reader, Rainbowponies +, writes (14 August 2013):
Rainbowponies is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAny ideas on how to get over it because just giving it time doesn't seem to be working. I really don't feel like I feel better now than I did when we first broke up. I feel a bit silly because we were together for such a short while but I keep missing him.
Next month I have to go back to university and risk bumping into him and we're members of the same society. I'd really like to feel a little bit better about it by then so seeing him won't hurt as much.
Thanks
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (2 August 2013):
Hi. You're very welcome.
It was wise that you realized rebounds are not a good idea.
You'll be glad that you waited until you are ready again for a new relationship.
And it will definitely be well worth the wait.
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A
female
reader, Rainbowponies +, writes (2 August 2013):
Rainbowponies is verified as being by the original poster of the question
I thought about a rebound I will admit but when a guy who has liked me for a while hit on me I realised I can't do that. I take relationships seriously and I don't want to hurt anyone. I won't rush into anything too soon.
Thank you :) for all your help
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (1 August 2013):
Hi. It sounds like you are becoming clear on things a bit now, and that is a positive thing.
It isn't an easy decision to make by any means, and especially when you have such a great rapport with each other.
Did you say you are still long distance?
And still in different cities?
If so, this could also be influencing his choice about ending it.
And the reason being, is that LDR's can be very lonely, and he didn't want to put you through all that.
He might also be a bit reluctant to commit to a serious relationship right now, and he might not be as ready for "Happily Ever After" as you might be.
And so you may not both be on the same page in that regard.
It's possible.
And if that's the case, well then it would definitely influence his decision making, for sure.
Even if you never spoke a thing about the future - or even hinted at it - it would seem obvious to him, that you were pretty keen, and that it was on your mind at least.
Just by the frequency of your text messages, would have been a sign of that, for him.
And perhaps it scared him a little.
Maybe, and maybe not.
I just thought I would mention it.
Waiting is a tough call, and not to mention, with a lot of uncertainty.
And the worst part, is NOT knowing how it will turn out.
And because of this, I completely understand that you don't want to wait, for something that may never happen.
It would be a gamble for you, that's for sure.
The main thing now though, is that you DO NOT put your whole life on hold, because of this uncertainty.
A word of warning here.
Because you don't want to wait for him to change his mind, whatever you do, DON'T try and rush straight into another relationship right away.
To try and get over him.
The reason for this, is if you were to find a new boyfriend right now or soon, it could be a rebound relationship.
And a decision you might soon regret.
Sometimes it is better to be by yourself for a little while after a breakup, and get to know yourself again, and your likes and dislikes in men.
And then after a few months, you may find that you are ready to truly move on, and let go of him altogether.
And it is then, that you really WILL be ready for a new relationship.
This will take a little time, so be patient with yourself.
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A
female
reader, Rainbowponies +, writes (30 July 2013):
Rainbowponies is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are probably right about the space thing. I think I may have already gone wrong there when we were together but in my defence we weren't in the same city and I missed him and he had just changed the dynamic of our relationship and confused me.Anyway,that's in the past. Whether you think there is a chance for the future or not I don't. I know he's exactly what I want but he doesn't want to be with me for whatever reason and I'm not willing to wait around for him to realise he's made a mistake. I honestly think that even if we got back together now I'd feel insecure about him leaving me again.I'm gonna miss him but I guess I just have to let go.Thank you for all your advice, for telling me not to try and be friends with him and for helping me think things through.It's time to be single for a while :)
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (30 July 2013):
Hi. When I said if you are meant to be together, I wasn't referring to fate.
It could just mean that although you met him now, there could be a few more things that need to happen in your lives for both of you, BEFORE the time is right for you to be together and stay together.
What sometimes happens in life, is we meet someone special and it goes fantastically well, and then it can end for no particular reason.
And that can be rather bewildering.
And especially if there was no argument leading up to the breakup.
It is impossible to say just why he decided to end it.
It is possible that it has something to do with his daughter.
And perhaps it was that he has had problems in the past in relationships, where as soon as his date found out he had a child, they ended it with him.
Believing that there was the risk he would go back with the child's mother.
And if that has ever happened to him, well then it would have made him very wary about getting involved in any new romantic relationships in future.
For fear of the same thing happening.
And so he might have ended it, before you ended it with him.
It's possible.
Even as great as you got along together, the thought may have crossed his mind, just the same.
And the fear of losing you, could have come up for him.
Like it was too good to be true.
In which case, he might have been protecting himself from getting hurt all over again.
He wouldn't even mention it to you necessarily, and probably kept it completely to himself.
Just a thought, worth considering.
If you don't give him space, you really COULD lose him forever.
Like, if you were to send him a text message once a week or more, it really could crowd his space and it could be counterproductive, regarding the chances of any future relationship with him.
And how it might be interpreted by him - if you were to start texting him - might be that you were applying heavy pressure on him to make a decision.
And he might feel forced into making a decision, that he really isn't read to make.
And he might see it as being controlling, if you were to do that.
Just because you give him some space - no contact at all -it doesn't mean you will never see him again.
In fact there is a greater chance of seeing him if you distance yourself now, than if you were to pursue him via text messages.
Giving him space, gives him a chance to miss you and think about you.
Whereas if you are in his face all the time, it could make him retreat altogether.
And that would be very sad.
And what's more, you may not get another chance.
So this is something to think about, very seriously.
It won't be easy, and I am not saying it will be.
Nevertheless, sometimes to give a person space when they really need it, can do far more than anything else ever could.
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A
female
reader, Rainbowponies +, writes (29 July 2013):
Rainbowponies is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again.
I know deep down you are right about the space thing. It's just hard because I rarely get along with someone as well as I got along with him. Next year I will have to go back to the city we studied in knowing no one. He will be there as he is the year below me but I am doing a masters and none of my other friends are sticking around.
Also I don't believe that anyone is meant to be with anyone. I am really not spiritual and I don't believe in fate. For me letting go now means letting go forever, knowing we'll never be together.
I still don't understand why he wanted to end something that was good. You might be right about his reason but then again it could really be anything and I'll never know. That's really frustrating.
How do you move on when you know you had something good? At least with my ex before him, even though it really hurt, I knew we were wrong for each other and that he made me unhappy.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (29 July 2013):
Hi. It is possible you do want to stay friends with him in order to ultimately become a couple again.
However, I believe at the moment, the timing isn't right.
As his daughter is only 2 years old, it probably isn't an issue for her, as to who her father chooses to see.
She just wouldn't be in that age group for at least another 8-10 years yet.
So with that being the case, it is most likely that he wants to bring his daughter up in a stable environment, where it is just him and her.
It would certainly keep things simplified.
He probably thinks that being involved in a romantic relationship now, could sometimes affect the relationship he has with his daughter.
And especially if there were any emotional upsets.
And by that I mean, if there were any arguments with someone he was dating.
And this would make him moody with his daughter, and not pleasant to be around.
I really do believe, that giving him some space, would be most beneficial, both for you and him.
If you are really meant to be together, in the end you will be.
It just seems that that time, has yet to come.
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A
female
reader, Rainbowponies +, writes (27 July 2013):
Rainbowponies is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBy the way he has a decent relationship with his daughter's mother. He told me that he tried to make a go of it for their kid's sake but when he realised it wasn't going to happen he knew he needed to stay friendly with her to raise his daughter in a good environment.
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A
female
reader, Rainbowponies +, writes (27 July 2013):
Rainbowponies is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys thanks for the advice.
I should clarify that his daughter is only 2, not a teenager. He is only 21.
Do you really think getting back in contact with him would be a good idea at all? I want to be friends eventually. We got on really well, like I said, but I'm worried that the reason I want to be friends is because I'm secretly hoping we'll get back together. Do you think I should wait until I'm over him to make contact? Or do you think it's possible to get over someone by turning them into a good friend?
Thanks again
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (26 July 2013):
Hi there. Even as much as you got along really well with each other, he could have been in a situation like this before.
And by that, I mean that with his daughter, each time he does meet someone he likes, his daughter might be giving him a hard time, and it could be HER who is feeling insecure about her father being with someone who is not the girl's mother.
Even if she isn't a teenager, she still may have some feelings of insecurity as far as relationships for him are concerned.
And she could be feeling that she is going to lose her father's love, if he does get serious with someone.
And she may certainly also feel like she is competing for his attention.
And so it is distinctly possible, that this could be a part of the problem for him.
I don't really believe it is anything that you have said or done.
This seems to be associated with the relationship he has with his daughter.
And I would say that anything his daughter says to him, heavily influences all his decisions, regarding romantic relationships.
And I really think that this is where he is at the moment.
You haven't said what kind of relationship he has with his daughter's mother.
Has he ever said anything to you about this?
He may not have, since it was a short time that you were dating, and so it wouldn't be appropriate for you to even ask about it, unless he brought it up himself.
There isn't very much you can do about this right now, except to give him some space and perhaps in time, he could get back to you.
It is impossible to say what will happen, at this time.
The only thing you can do, is to start seeing your friends again and getting out and about, socializing.
You need to be with people, rather than to shut yourself away from the world.
Although he seems to not want to have a relationship at the moment, it is not worth hanging about, waiting to see if he changes his mind.
He might.
And then again, maybe not.
And the sad feelings of getting over someone you really like, won't just go away in a week or two.
It may take you a few months, to start feeling better.
Each day though, the disappointment will become less and less.
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A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (26 July 2013):
 You can't really MAKE yourself want to move on. You can only move on when you feel ready. This young man has a lot of responsibility to cope with right now but it may be that you could meet up again in the future when things are more settled for him. Perhaps leave it a couple of more weeks and then just casually contact him to see how things are going in his life. Maybe you can remain friends and that way he won't feel so pressurised.
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