A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 19 months and we've had our share of ups and downs. Recently, we have been in a spot where it's not really good nor bad. I'm crazy in love with him and he generally makes me really happy. But the other half of the time I feel underappreciated and neglected. It really bothers me because unless I mention something, we will probably never hang out or do things together. I always have to initiate everything. It gets kinda tiresome and depressing. If I don't suggest something, I'm the one who loses out by feeling lonely as I'm stuck at home. But if I keep initiating, I feel like I'm available 24/7.Questions (feel free to add general advice as well): I think that I love him more than he loves me, is there something I can do to change this?How do I get him to ask me out more often or to care about what I would like to do and not so much what he wants to do?How do I stop being too selfless? I always put his needs way in front of mine, and then when mine get unaddressed, I guess that's bad. Will this get better? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI get what y'all are saying and I appreciate the inputs like no other. But I feel like I would be giving up
A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (17 February 2012):
 Oh, & mine "cycled" too! We'd "talk". I'd tell him what bothered me or what I needed from him. It'd be good for a few days & then he'd neglect me all over. This happened month after month. Set a time frame & watch the pattern (although I'm willing to bet you are already well aware of it). The next time it cycles back to complacency & neglect, there's your cue to drop him. Prepare yourself. We're here for you!
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female
reader, bardia +, writes (17 February 2012):
I'm TELLING you..,LISTEN to that internal dialogue in your "idle" moments! I'm not even kidding when I say I could have typed that myself. Go look my previously posted questions & you'll see what I mean. I know you love him. I know you want him. But if a guy can't express himself enough in ANY way to make you feel 100% secure that he wants YOU as his love then it's just not there. Yes, he may say he loves you on rare occasion. And he may in some fashion. But if he keeps you around because you fill his bored & lonely void, you will continue to feel the "off" things you do about this relationship. And the truth of his heart will come out one way or another. You just don't deserve to find it out the hard way. In one night, after 15 months & all we'd been through, my ex talked about "next time" he's with another girl and said "I love you" and a forced "I want you" within 30 minutes. Same voice. Which do you believe? Can't trust either, so it was time to go. I'm sorry because I know how hard this will be for you. But please let him go. Free yourself for someone who will put the effort into the relationship to PROVE his love. Message me for more details or advice. And go read my own damning questions...
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to put this in, but he tells me that he really loves me 100% and that I'm the best thing that's ever come into his life.
But then I often question, well if you love me so much, why don't you care about me enough to hang out with me?
After a while I usually do tell him what I'm feeling, so it's not like I'm completely silent in the matter.
It's hard because he'll apologize and do better for a few days or we won't see each other because of school and text and everything is good. It's just in my idleness that I notice these things.
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A
female
reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (13 February 2012):
 You need to let him know that you feel unappreciated and all that stuff you just told us. Be sure to let him know that it takes two people putting in an effort to make a relationship work. If he doesn't even bother to try and correct his behavior, he may not be right for you.
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female
reader, bardia +, writes (13 February 2012):
Oh my. I'm hearing my own voice in your questions. I've asked the same things over & over. I brought all these things to me BF's attention, over & over, rationally, nonaccusing, as kind & easy-going as possible. When that didn't work, it was tears & attempts at breaking up. Drama was the only thing that motivated any change in his behavior, and even that was short-lived. People like this do not know how to love or give of themselves or think about others. I gave mine 15 months worth of forgiveness & opportunities to be what I needed & to show personal growth. I had to end it last month. I gave all, did all...it was a one-sided love. That a relationship does not make. I know how much you love him, but he doesn't or can't love you as you need & deserve. Don't waste any more time or energy on this. Yes, the good times blind us to the truth of the situation. It will be difficult, but let him go, heal, & get ready for a relationship with someone who's at least as interested & enthusiastic about you as you are of them, if not more. They ARE out there...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2012): first off, you need to tell him what you've told us. You need to tell him that you notice you're the one who initiates everything, and why that bothers you. It's unfair to expect him to read your mind and not tell him of your expectation and then get all bent out of shape that he's not behaving the way you want. So you have to give him a chance first.
if you do that and still nothing changes, and you can safely rule out ignorance on his part (because you've already talked to him clearly and honestly about it) then I think that he's just not into you despite not having broken up with you. and I don't think you can do anything to change this so it's best to accept it and break up with him and move on to find someone who clicks with you better.
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female
reader, JAMR  +, writes (13 February 2012):
 Hi there :) Your situation is very similar to the one that I am in right now. Unfortunately, there really isn't anything that you can do to make someone care about in the same way that you do for them. We do not get the luxury of choosing who we love or who loves us in return. That last bit that you added on the end of your paragraph, about feeling like your always available, 24/7; like you keep yourself open just incase he calls or wants to do something... I do that too, and you really shouldn't have to. Your time is just as valuable as his and you deserve better than waiting around for something that might not be there. Just like trying to get someone to feel for you the way you do for them, it is just as unsettling, trying to get someone to 'want' to spend time with you and care about doing the things that you like. The thing about people is that, if they 'want' to be apart of your life then they will, and if they don't, then they wont. No matter what you say or do to try to persuade them. And NEVER worry about being too selfish! I felt a little disappointed to see you type that last bit about worrying that you are too selfish. You are NOT being too selfish in this situation! You are making time for someone that you deeply care about! If they do not appreciate this, then it is them who is being selfish! They are squandering someone irreplaceable; they are not concerning themselves with the relationship that they have committed themselves to. My advice to you and this isn't going to sound or be easy to do, trust me. But it will get better if you trust yourself. I think you know what you want to see out of this relationship with this person that you love, and I’m sorry to hear that your having a difficult time feeling confident about the relationship. If something is bothering you then you should talk to him about it. You don't need to pressure or demand anything but you need to start to express to him how you feel about what is going on and how he also feels about your relationship together. Never be afraid to have a voice. You deserve the best and there is no reason why you should feel like you are compromising all of YOU in order to achieve it. Maybe this isn’t the person you are meant to be with for a long time. Maybe this relationship is the universes way of trying to teach you something. If you are not happy about your relationship please don’t’ be afraid to speak up. The most important relationship you will always have is the one that you have with yourself. And If you trust yourself and know what you deserve, trust your intuition and beliefs, then you will never steer yourself wrong. No matter how difficult a situation feels, or how it turns out, everything will be okay if you trust yourself. I hope that helps you… or at least gave you a little bit of courage to speak your mind and be true to what you know you deserve out of this relationship. It truly is a very upsetting fact that people waste their time on those who we know in our hearts don’t’ deserve or appreciate us the way that they should. And we learn all to late that you can’t demand a change. It’s a lucky chance that sometimes things fall into the right place when we least expect them to. Good luck. I’m always around if you have questions or want to get something off your chest. I apologize for such a long post haha :)
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