A
female
age
36-40,
*oya
writes:I am 23 years old and have never had a real relationship before. I have had a boyfriend in the past but it was nothing serious. There was no real passion, love or a deep emotional connection between the two of us. Thinking back, there was nothing remotely eventful that happened. We never really went anywhere or did anything exciting. The relationship just lacked real romance. And I was dependent on him. He broke up with me twice, and has moved on to someone else and he treats that girlfriend much better than he did me. Since then I have moved on..I had to..my ex best friend fell in love a year ago. And I remember being insanely jealous of her relationship with her boyfriend. She would spend most of her freetime with him, and whenever he was unavailable she would use me as a filler. Our friendship just was never the same, I could tell when we were hanging out that she'd probably rather be with him than me. I resented that because I was lonely and needed some kind of support from a friend. She would often tell me how often she spent the night over his house. When we were hanging out, I would even hear her boyfriend begging her to stay the night with her on the cell phone. Deep down I would get very envious, so envious I couldn't stand it. I never had a guy desire me like that! I want a relationship like that but I have a hard time finding the right guy. I would even cry every night because I wanted to know why she was the one to fall in love and not me. My envy got so bad that I used to really wish that he would break up with her, or cheat on her. I just wanted the relationship to end. I couldn't stand how they were always together, and going places. And while I was wasting my youth being single, with no one to take me anywhere. I no longer talk to this friend anymore but occassionally I visit her myspace and each time i am hoping to find out if they have broken up. But no, they are still together and I am still single.At one point, I made a male friend who was married and sexually interested in me. I was going to pursue a relationship but stopped it. It didn't seem right and he was a bit too clingy.It's wrong to feel this way. I know this. But I can't help it. Haven't had much luck with men at all. The ex friend would try to hook me up with guys out of pity but they were always a disaster. They find me boring because I don't drink, smoke, and don't have an extremely outgoing personality. Even though I am not this extrovert that is always trying to go out and paint the town red I still think I deserve love and happiness. I have tried to get involved in activities and the like. I would go to the museum, the library, and read, surf the net but it never helped. The longing for companionship is always there. And my parents put pressure on me too. They have suspected that I am gay or just 'weird' because I don't have a boyfriend and don't date a lot. I just need some advice on how to lift my self esteem
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best friend, broke up, fell in love, jealous, myspace, self esteem, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Dr. John +, writes (9 November 2007):
 Dear dear Joya,
Take heart.
Out there somewhere living and breating with a heart beating in his chest is someone for you!
You just have not crossed paths as yet. Or maybe you have and just have not found it out yet.
When I was your age I suffered the exact same way you are. My heart ached to have someone to love.
My mother sat down with me and told me exactly the same thing. I was sure she was mistaken. But you know what? The next few months went by and I did indeed find someone finally.
Without going into much detail, she was on and off with her boyfriend and me, and it seemed that this relationship was going to go nowhere. Now we have been married for 28 years as of this coming march.
Please, be patient. It will work out for you. Just don't try too hard and love will find a way.;-) Doc
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (9 November 2007):
 There is an excellent book on this that I recommend you read. My girlfriend has had major battles with low self esteem and swears by the book. It is called:
Breaking the chain of low self esteem, by Marilyn Sorensen.
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A
female
reader, MollyR07 +, writes (9 November 2007):
First of all, know you aren't alone. Whether or not we show it, everyone has self-esteem issues, and often they use relationships and attention from the opposite sex to make them feel more confident.
Think of all the things you do well. You're obviously intelligent, and I bet there are other activities or interests you have that you're good at... or at least can bring a fresh opinion to a conversation on. It sounds cliche, but I can't stress enough how much personality over-rules the physical. One way to show someone your inner side if you feel physically self-conscious is to meet someone briefly, perhaps through a friend, a exchange numbers. Texting and emailing are great ways to express who you are without being threatened, and they aren't as intimidating to use for flirting, since it isn't face to face.
One thing I read that helped my self-esteem is that there is always somebody in the world (if not thousands) that think you have the absolute perfect body and personality. Also, confidence (not cockiness) is attractive to EVERYONE. Fake it 'til you make it! There are so many women I know who are envied by girls prettier/thinner/etc. than they are because they exude confidence. Most women think lower of themselves than the reality, so by presenting yourself as confident, self-secure, and independent, men can't help but want to get to know the person behind the down-to-earth persona.
Oooh, one MAJOR tip: never down yourself in front of others!! You'll often point out flaws that they themselves have never noticed, drawing all their attention to it.
Also, people naturally find people who they never hear gossip about others more pleasant and less-threatening. If you find yourself about to say something negative about someone, immediately think of something positive to say about another person. You'll seem VERY confident and unique when you only recognize the good in others; and men will want you to be a part of their lives, knowing you won't be like most girls and bring them down with negativity.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (9 November 2007):
 Being an introvert isn't all that bad. I am and quite enjoy it. Helps me to stay out of trouble.
Jealousy and wanting what someone else has, isn't going to get you what it is you desire. Being dependent upon someone else to make you happy doesn't work. You need to build personal happiness first, before relationships. If you don't, it's like filling a void, kind of like someone who quits smoking begins eating. It's a way to fill something that is missing. Now taking set ups from friends, good intention, but really doesn't work out.
So you had a bad experience dating? I don't know anyone who hasn't had at least one time or another where they questions their past relationships. I will tell you this. Stop trying so hard to find it. Generally if you try too hard, you mess it up for yourself. Stop trying so hard and you'll begin noticing signs in people who are attracted to you easier, and it may just lead you to the love your looking for.
Remember too, envy is a killer. You can break up every relationship, jump for joy because they break up, but when you go to sleep, it would still be alone.
I wish you the best of luck. Take care.
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A
female
reader, adorkable_gg +, writes (9 November 2007):
 first off: you don't need a man to make you happy, or raise your self esteem. sure, flattery would do wonders, but wanting a guy for that purpose is wrong.
It's understandable that you would envy your friend for having something you desire. We all do it, so don't feel bad. It's a little sad that it grew so big it ended your friendship, but if you had wanted to, it could have easily been spared.
As for meeting the love of your life, answer me this. What fun would it be if you, as young as you are, met the person you'd spend the rest of your life with, without experiencing anyone else first? Everyone deserves love, so don't at all think you're not good enough for it. Don't change who you are, because you want different results. When you're not looking, the perfect man will find you, and see you for how amazing you truly are. In the mean time, have fun and do what makes you happy. Finding a hobby or interest that your passionate or good at, will improve your self interest. People are at their best when they're passionate about something. Explore, and find whatever that is, and hold on to it. This will make you feel very pleased with yourself. There are other things you can do to improve your self esteem. Set little goals for yourself, and work towards them everyday. When you feel accomplished, you feel proud of yourself. Learn to love yourself as you are, and don't be so concerned if you don't have a man to share it with. Wait. Sooner or later, you will meet the one person that knows you're as wonderful as you see yourself to be. Don't worry, and keep up with your "Joya-ness". [=
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