A
male
age
30-35,
*atePalacios
writes:So first off i am only 20 years old, and very mature for my age, and i have been with my girlfriend, who is turning 21 this year, for almost a year, at first i was sketchy about even dating her because she was so different in personality than i normally date, but it ended up being great for about 8 months.During this relationship we had talked about moving for school, we were both planning on going to the same city but different schools, and lately i had thought about saving money and just going to a community college in my home town, but she would not understand why, we had a talk about everything and i tried to break it off with her, but it ended up we stayed together. Now this whole time she is living with her mom who drives me insane, and i had lived with her during 6 months of our relationship, which leads to the next part, she does this because she has certain issues to where to me it seems there is no way she will be able to live without her mom, like she will always need her close by to live her life, and that she wont be able to live with me in our own place without her mom, this is one of the reasons why i feel i dont want to be with her anymore.Ok so now that thats all out there she has now moved to a city a few hours away from the city our schools are in because her mom cant afford anywhere else closer, i still live in my hometown because i have yet to find a job out there for me to have a easy transfer to, but being here for a month without her i have yet to have a feeling a sadness or even like i miss her at all, we talk everyday, and she seems to be dying without me, she has bought me a ton of stuff for when i am able to move over there, and tells me she misses me every day, one other thing is she wants to marry me even though i have told her im not ready to get married and wont for a while, so then later she brought up that every time she has left or went on a vacation the guy she was with ends up breaking it off with her, but she feels like that wont happen with me, and she is right i would never break up with someone hundreds of miles away over the phone, i would only do it in person, but i have no clue what to do.So now that the situation is out there now to how i feel. I dont have that "loving" feeling for her anymore, in fact the more we talk day by day over the phone im actually getting annoyed from the soo many, "i miss you, i love you," statements she makes, i dont mind that she is gone, i dont have the same feelings like she does with me about us being so far apart, also when we were living together i started losing all feelings the last few months she was here, i have asked many people i know what to do and told them how i feel, and they all are biased in my opinion, because they know both of us, So i know in my heart that i have no feelings for her romantically or physically at all, i dont even want to have intercourse with her at all, not because she isnt physically attractive but i just dont want to, i care about her but to me it feels i only care about her as far as a friend, and i dont want to be with her as a relationship. In all honesty i feel i dont want to be in a relationship at all, im only 20 years old, i feel i should not be in a relationship that she feels she is ready to get married, i dont want that, i just want simple dating, the thing is girls i date fall in love with me so fast and quick that they normally feel this way within a month or two, but anyways i just need help with what to do, do i break it off? do i work it out? i have tried almost everything with her to fix the way i feel, romantic dinners, nights in the park, do everything that we did on our first date, nothing has worked, i guess i really need help with how to let her down gently without hurting too much, please help.
View related questions:
I love you, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 July 2010):
 Just to chime in a bit late, it sounds like you're a nice guy and genuinely don't want to hurt her more than necessary. I think it might help you if you understand the process she's going to be going through.
A break up is the death of a relationship, and you can look at the stages of grief as identified by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross for some understanding. There are five steps and people will go through these in more or less the same order with some back-and-forth movement. It's not a linear thing.
So she'll be experiencing these things and will reach out to you from one or another of these mind-sets. By being aware of where she is, you can be appropriate in your responses. Don't feed the hope that you will reconsider and change your mind. Be firm in that, gentle obviously, but do not engage in 'what if' with her.
Here are the five stages as taken from the article in Wikipedia: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance. You can read a little more about these if you'd like here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model
Good luck.
A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (9 July 2010):
 No problem. I'm glad you were able to go through with it. Stay strong and don't waver at all. She's probably clingy because in her mind she still thinks there is a chance you two will be together. She'll get that idea from things like returning her calls/texts, etc. You sound like a decent guy, and I'm sure you just don't want to hurt her feelings, but after a while if you continue "being nice" to her... she won't get the idea. Just keep in mind that sooner or later you just need to avoid her altogether.
Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, NatePalacios +, writes (8 July 2010):
NatePalacios is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell thanks it has been done, it was sooo hard, just like i knew it would be, now she is just being real clingy and telling me she doesnt want to be with anyone except me, and that she will move back to fix things, she doesnt understand that there is nothing to fix, sorry i made you confused Timmd i was just sayin that to the few people whos comments i didnt agree with, but aside from that u helped with it alot
...............................
A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (8 July 2010):
Ok, you're changing it up a bit now. Your original post made it seem like it was her need to be close to you and clinginess that was driving you away from her, now you are saying she's an amazing girl, your relationship was almost "too" perfect, and it's more about you just wanting out as opposed to her making you want to leave? I'm getting confused.
Anyway, I don't recommend writing things down. If you've made your decision, then just man up. End it. If you write things down it'll give her the idea that you still care about her enough that she may think she still has a chance. It'll seem almost like you're trying to work things out. Don't even go there. Breaking up with her will hurt her and you've gotta accept that. Just because you have well thought out ideas written down doesn't mean she's going to say "Well, sure I'm really hurt... but you've explained all of your points so well... I understand now." I know you'd like to break up with her but still be friendly, but it's not going to happen.
Be short and firm (yet polite) with her. Oh, and as Odds said... do it in a place where you can leave. Don't corner yourself to your own place because you need an exit strategy.
...............................
A
male
reader, NatePalacios +, writes (8 July 2010):
NatePalacios is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyea i know she is gonna be hurt, which is whats making it so hard for me, because she is a amazing person, that doesnt deserve to be hurt like that, which also makes me feel like a huge ass that i cant control my feelings and keep them there, its really wierd to me, ive thought it over hundreds of times, the "what is making me not attracted to her?" or "why am i trying to break up with her," honestly she creates that "near" perfect relationship that keeps me thinking, what is really wrong thats hiding in this relationship. which ive found there is nothing wrong with it, so maybe thats the problem? maybe i cant handle a relationship with absolutely no fights, always being there for eachother, but i agree i should sit her down at her place and talk to her, tell her how i feel, issue is i have a hard time talking, i know i will stutter or skip a bunch of my feelings and lose my train of thought, so i was thinking of writing everything down and have her read it in front of me, is this a bad idea? im trying the best i can to do this, its alot harder than i would ever imagine it to be
...............................
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (8 July 2010):
 I was in that exact situation at your age. Handled it completely wrong, too.
What you should do (and I *should* have done) is meet her at her place, sit her down, and explain it to her. Do not apologize (you haven't done anything wrong), do not let her try to bargain back into a relationship (that's not fair to either of you), and do not be afraid to get up and leave mid-tantrum.
It will be very difficult, but you can't do it without hurting her. You'll have to man up and accept the role of bad guy for a few minutes.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 July 2010):
 The best way to do this is honesty. Tell her exactly what turned you off about her behavior. She's going to say she would change for you but tell her it's best to start fresh with another guy, and that feelings can't be fixed. I believe you are breaking off this relationship not just because you are not ready to get married (she isn't either even though she's rushing this), but because the attraction was gone, and you are certain it won't come back. It's better to explain how you feel and have a clean break up, so she knows what to expect, and won't be asking why why why you did this to her. I think having no clue about what went wrong hurts more than knowing the painful truth.
...............................
A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (7 July 2010):
She is very clingy, and it sounds like this is a pattern for her. She gets too serious too fast and scares men away. As Jmtmj said, she will get hurt no matter what. You cannot avoid this. You just need to try to keep in mind that she is the one that has put you two in this position. She has the type of personality that sets this type of relationship up perfectly - trapping you.
Break it off with her quick, but firm. Don't leave any room for debate. She'll do everything she can to cling to you, and then once she sees all is lost she may even get angry with you. This is how those things work. If you leave her any opening like "Let's just take things more slowly" or "Let's take a break..." she will feel like you are still together.
Yes, she'll be hurt. But you gotta do it. The only "gentle" part of the breakup is just you being nice about it. You don't have to be a jerk, just firm. And the longer you wait, the harder it will be....
...............................
A
female
reader, Liza999 +, writes (7 July 2010):
End her misery now. It is a great compliment when someone cares about you. All she really did wrong was love ya so don't drag this out talk to all your friends about it show her some respect whether over the phone or in person as long as she gets your message clearly.
...............................
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (7 July 2010):
 She's gonna be hurt no matter how you let her down...
The important thing is that you make it quick, direct and not leave her hanging onto false hope that you'll get back together.
...............................
|
