A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend and i have been dating for about a year and a half. serious for about 10 months. we live together and he gave me a promise ring because neither one of us is ready to get married but we are committed to each other. he is very sexual and that has never been a problem for us. when he first told me he liked to wear womens underwear i was a little shocked but he is a gemini and i just thought he was curious. it comes and goes that he would wear them but i never really was worried about it. he is very masculine and loves sex with me. however the other day he told me that he thinks he should be a woman. he says he has thought about it a lot and since he was younger. i want to support him and be there like i promised i always would be but i dont know if i can be with him if he becomes a she. he told me he didnt tell me before because he didn't feel comfortable enough but now all he talks about is hormones and changing his voice. he used to talk about violent video games and porn. he says he hid it for so long that that is why he is so manly. i just dont know what to do. im not a lesbian, i like men. i want a manly man that i can have a somewhat normal life with, a family. i thought i had found him, my happy ending but now i dont know. is it wrong that i hope he is wrong and that this isnt what he wants? I want him to be a man. he is a good man and is good at being a man. and he says he would stay with me, be a lesbian, even keep his penis so that i would be happy too. but i dont know if i will ever be able to look at him the same way again but i feel he is my soul mate. can i change? how do i learn to be ok with this?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (30 November 2010):
 I actually know a couple who went through this together. He had the surgery and is now a woman and they are a married, lesbian couple. They had a child together who adjusted marvelously. Now, probably 10 years later, they are a great family who are wonderful to spend time with.
However, that is ONE couple who happened to find each other and apparently were meant to be together. It is 100% okay if you're not comfortable with this and want to find someone a little more compatible with the partner and future you want for yourself. There is nothing wrong with your boyfriend either - I think it's very brave of him and cool that he feels comfortable enough to talk to you about this.
Go to some counseling and work through what you're going through. It's an awful lot, and you shouldn't have to figure it out on your own. Maybe this relationship is not the one for you. Good luck, sweet thing!
A
female
reader, MsVick +, writes (30 November 2010):
 You will not be happy with this man. He has pretended to be a masculine man for years. He will need counseling to help him through this. I went through this with my BF of seven years. A transgendered person needs support, they need counseling and they need to be with someone who can accept them for who they WANT to be, not who they are pretending to be. If you cannot accept him as a woman, then you need to be honest and go your own way.
It is sad but I am hearing more and more of this everyday. I wish you luck.
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A
female
reader, Sunnyxx  +, writes (30 November 2010):
 The way I see it there are 2 possibilities...
1) You learn to cope with this
or 2) You can't accept it and have to move on. I'm sure he will understand as it will be something very difficult for the both of you. But if you can, please be here for him even if it's just as a friend as he is going through a very difficult time.
If you can't deal with this, it's no one's fault. Just don't sacrifice your own happiness here. If you can't accept it, it'd be best for you to say so rather than leading him on and making way for insecurity.
Good luck!!
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (30 November 2010):
I honestly don't think any woman in her right mind would be okay with this. You have to think of it this way: what he was presenting to you was fake. He was lying to you and himself about who he truly is and wants. If he's brought this up to you, I highly doubt that he's just mistaken and he'll change his mind later. He's felt this way since a child but kept it hidden, but he feels that he'll somehow feel "right" if he was a woman.
You want to be with a man...a manly man. You don't want to be with a chick with a penis, I mean seriously. Could you imagine yourself with that not to mention trying to have sex with him while he looks like that? He's simply not the person you thought he was and I think that's what you need to accept. I don't think you could live the life that you invisioned if you stayed with him while he went on to change his gender. I don't think it would be healthy for you. I know it's easier said than done and it will take time, but you'll have to come to terms with the fact that he's not who you thought he was and that people change (drastically apparently) and that what he eventually wants to be is not was you want. After you get over the shock you're going to have to spend time accepting it and move on. I really don't see a relationship like this working out or being emotionally or psychologically sound to you.
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