A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear All,I am getting married next year and I'm really happy about it. We are planning a very small, intimate wedding of about 25 people. My problem is that a couple of years ago, one of my closest friends left her husband, and started living with another man. While her choices are none of my business, I have met this man on several occasions and I do not like him. There are too many reasons to list in detail, but the short version is that he is rude and obnoxious. He works for an 'adult' company, which is fine in and of itself, but he does not realise that there are situations where that kind of thing should not be discussed, for a start I will have children at my wedding and my family are conservative and traditional. He tells 'jokes' that make me uncomfortable. Worst of all, he and my friend have an 'open' relationship, which, again, is their business, but up until recently when I had the unpleasant task of making clear my feelings with quite harsh words, he would send me flirtatious text messages hinting that something might happen between us.I don't want him there, but how do I invite her and not him? I don't see a way. Is it best to just invite neither? I can get away with just saying it was family only, but I would like her there.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 September 2013):
 I am optimistic, I think you can easily get away with inviting just her , due to having such a small wedding with only 25 guests. It's obvious that ,due to budget limitations, lack of space or whichever other personal reason, the guest list has been pared down to the indispensable , including only your nearest and dearest and excluding everybody else. So I don't think she'll have a hissy fit knowing that she is considered nearest and dearest- but her bf, which you barely know, is not. ( Of course , you won't say " the invitation is for you only, because your bf is such a creepy jerk " , just something like " we wanted a very small, intimate thing and we only called those whom we are really close to ". )
Btw,I don't know in UK, but here each guest can easily cost you 200 euros and over for an average, not too fancy wedding " do " . Even the most formal, etiquette- minded person will hardly resent you for not wanting to spend that kind of money over someone that you barely know or haven't even ever met, for example your colleague's significant others.
Ultimately...personally I don't think you should bite any bullet , or at least not this particular bullet, on YOUR ( yours and your husband's ) wedding day. You run the show, and you do the casting the way you want.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2013): Either invite hem both or neiher of them. They are a couple so its inappropriate to invite only one of them. You can and should talk to your friend and tell her that you would appreciate it if he would refrain from saying or doing certain things since your family is conservative and will likely get offended.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2013): You can't tell a friend that you don't approve of her choice in partners by uninviting him, and effectively insulting him by only inviting her. You may be conservative; but you don't know proper etiquette.
If you don't want him there, you can't invite her.
How would you like it if your fiance' was invited to a five-star restaurant dinner with his wealthiest friends; but they asked that he come alone? The reason being, they feel you're too conservative or stuck-up; and might not find the conversation at the table tasteful? All the drinks and food will be their treat, and Wolfgang Puck is the chef.
What should he do?
You are quite certain he doesn't know how to behave at a wedding with children present? Or is your disdain and disapproval so strong that you don't care?
As for the passes, I don't believe they ever happened. You made that up to not look like a snob. Otherwise; you would have informed her, he'd be out of the picture, and there would be no reason for the post.
If you insulted me by not inviting my choice of partners, I'd reject your invitation to your face. You don't have to like him, but respect her feelings; if you truly consider her a friend.
I'm not sprinkling sugar on my response to your post. I know when to curb my prejudices, and view the bigger picture. I love my friends, regardless of their choices of mates. So I bite the bullet for their sake.
You DO NOT extend an invitation to one out of a known couple. Then it would be so and so, and "friend/guest." That means you don't have a clue who they might bring. They might be worse than him. He's obviously good enough for her.
Weddings are celebrations. You may have limitations to how many people you want to invite, due to budget. I have no soft spots in my heart for Bridezillas who use their wedding guest-list to expose their prejudices and snobbery; or to cause hurt feelings. Invitations are supposed to be heartfelt.
Everyone you know can't be invited. So, that couple(which includes your friend) will miss the wedding and reception.
They are aware of your engagement. They will know when you got married.
If you don't invite her, you'll possibly lose a friend and if she knew the reason, you'll lose a friend anyway. Don't expect her to side with you in hurting his feelings. Fictional text messages, not withstanding.
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A
female
reader, ModelCitizen +, writes (16 September 2013):
I would use his creepy texts to you as the reason why he isn't invited. I'm sure your husband to be wouldn't want him at the wedding either after the way he was with you, so I would tell her that he crossed the line and neither of you would feel happy with him there. Then leave the decision up to her. She may stand by him because he's her partner, but if she picks someone like that over a good friend then it's probably not a huge loss anyway.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (16 September 2013):
 Why exactly do you want her there?
If she's one of your close friends, why didn't you simply go to her when he became a problem? "Sheila, I recognize you are in an open relationship with Biff. I don't know Biff well and I'm getting these odd texts that seem to suggest he's suggesting that I have sex with him. Here, let me show you. As I don't know him well, but consider you a close friend, I'm asking for you to tell him to stop that."
I think you want the old friendship, the old her, back. Sorry, she's gone, she's chosen Biff.
Again, why exactly do you want her there?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 September 2013):
 Well, etiquette state that you can't just invite the the wife of a married couple.
But I do think in your case, I can see why you wouldn't want the obnoxious man at your intimate wedding.
Would she be the only MARRIED person who isn't "allowed" to bring a spouse? If so, I wouldn't invite her. I would however take her out for a nice girl's lunch and explain that you didn't invite her because you and your husband wanted to keep the number at a maximum of 25 people.
If you REALLY want here there, then I would explain it to her, it can come as no news that you don't like her husband. It might however alienate her.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 September 2013):
 you could invite her and not him and let her know he's not invited and let her make the choice not to come... but if she's like me she would decline the invitation as my allegiance is to my partner more than friends.
now you have to think about how you would feel if she choose to NOT join you in your special day and rather would sit home with him.... I think for me I'd be MORE hurt that a good close friend would opt for an asshole over my wedding and therefore I'd invite neither because
a. I would not want to have to force a friend to make a choice and
b. I would not want to know that I was not the choice.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 September 2013):
 I consulted a volume which I have which is titled: "Writing invitations that you would rather not have to write"..... and it has just such a dilemma as you posed herein...
The suggested invitation reads thusly: "Dear Beloved Friend: I think you are a great friend, and I'd like to have you at my wedding, to share in celebrating this day which I think will be the beginning of a great life for me and my intended. Unfortunately, you are now hanging with a guy who is a collosal a$$hole.... you know it as well as I do.... and I'd rather not see him at my nuptials....
Therefore: This invitation is for YOU to attend my wedding... but not your creepy "other". Will you please join me/us in our celebration? .... and get your obnoxious "boyfriend" to do something ELSE that day? Maybe you can get him a date with one of his strumpet girlfriends for the day... anything to have him be elsewhere, whilest you and I join in a fun day......"
That should put matters in-order for you and your best friend... without causing any stress between the two of you....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 September 2013):
 Obviously you have unspoken business with your friend. What sort of friend is she is she lets her boyfriend sexually harass her so called "best friend"? She knew you were engaged to be married, and she ought to have known her boyfriend was hitting on you. Even if they have an open relationship she knows that YOU don't have an open relationship. Hence it is actually quite rude of her boyfriend to suggest you cheat on your man. It's an insult, actually. And for her to sit by on the side lines accepting that her boyfriend insults her friend? Makes me wonder what sort of friend she is.
Or maybe you never told her that her precious boyfriend was sending you flirtatious texts. I hope you didn't delete those texts, because you ought to tell her and show the the evidence. You need to talk with her about this. You need to make it clear that while you respect her privacy, you are entitled to not like him. You want to keep her as a friend, but you don't want to talk to or deal with her boyfriend. Because he made a pass at you over some extended period (for how long was he making these suggestions?". Then tell her that she is invited, but that you do not want her boyfriend there. If she doesn't want to go alone without him then you are sorry, but that is her choice. It's your wedding and you are entitled to invite whomever you want.
Just send her the invitation without the plus one. But if she's truly a friend of yours she ought to know by now that you do not like her boyfriend. If she doesn't know then you need to tell her, what kind of friendship do you have if you lie to one another and just pretend that everything is nice and great when in reality her boyfriend has been asking you to get down and dirty with him... Be a decent friend now and talk to her about this. Be honest!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2013): Just invite her and say there isn't a plus one on the invite for anyone. That's it OP. You're having a small intimate affair with literally only the people closest to you, you don't want anyone there that you're not close to.
Just tell her the truth without going into detail, I think she'll be fine with it.
If she asks if he's specifically not being invited just say no. Tell her you want to keep costs low and only those you consider your inner circle.
I had my wedding this summer, 300 people. Everyone both of us work with, family, friends, their kids, partners etc. and we made a point of telling people not to bring people we didn't like. One of my wife's friends has an abusive partner, he wasn't invited and she accepted our reasons, and came.
Personally in your situation I'd be completely honest about why I didn't want him there and if she couldn't' accept those reasons then pardon my language but fuck her. Try the tactful approach OP, but don't be afraid of standing your ground and being honest. He's a creep, you don't like him and while you'll always accept her choices and respect them she has to respect yours. No one gets to impose someone like that on a friend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2013): As it's only 25 people roughly, just emphasise that it's a VERY small occasion for VERY close friends and family... but I think if she's that good a friend, you should be able to be honest somewhat with her, and she'll understand why it bothers you... play on the fact that he tells inappropriate jokes and with children and relatives there, you feel it would be a strain on some others, and you're just not happy with it. Emphasise the fact you're trusting her to understand that- after all it's YOUR big day, your magical celebration... And as much as you want her you don't want him... You're in your rights to do whatever makes you happy. If she decides to throw a strop and refuses if he can't come, she's not that great a friend... He's her responsibility and you don't need to be burdened with him. For the record I DEFINITELY wouldn't want a rude sleaze like that either! If she didn't respect my wishes on my big day id leave her to it. Good luck :) xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2013): write a note specifically saying he is not allowed at the wedding! if she has a problem so be it.
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