A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have tried for almost 10 years to start a family. We have gone thru failed adoptions, miscarriages, surgeries, and more procedures than I ever knew existed. We have depleted all of our savings and now have started going in debt trying another avenue. Infertility is definitely stressful but we have always worked together. Now that we are out of money, we are no longer have the same views of how to move forward and it is impacting our marriage. This has brought more stress on me than I can handle and when we talk about money, she shuts down. How do I keep our marriage together when we are moving apart?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies to my question. Hardships do bring out a world of truths. I know that my wife has wanted to start a family from day one. When you are young and first starting out in marriage, you don't think that starting a family would be so difficult. The financial challenges has forced us to face the "what if" of not having a family. That is where we differ. She is not OK with us not having a family. Before, we had time and resources, now that both are running out, our differences are coming to light.
As for the counseling, I think that is the best route. She is currently going to therapy. I am working multiple jobs trying to stay afloat. I know a family is important to my wife. As a husband, I want to provide that for her and have worked hard to do so. At this point, I see no solutions so hopefully counseling will get us both back on track.
Thanks again for your answers and kind words. Best wishes to you!
A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (10 March 2011):
 I have never been married, so I won't pretend to know the many intricacies that must be a part of your relationship.
I can say, however, that my observation of your message makes me wonder why there wasn't a different focus to the marriage.
Maybe it wasn't so out of balance in reality, but this issue has come to the forefront? It just seems from what you have said that the finances, energy, and hopes all hinged on having children. And when that option was taken away, the relationship deflated.
What about the relationship you have with each other? Would you want to be together even if you couldn't have children? There are many couples that don't want children, and they have happy marriages.
Is it that having children was an inseparable part of forming a family?
I am sorry I don't have any words of comfort or advice, I certainly hope you can find happiness. My parents were best friends with a couple that couldn't have children, and growing up it always seemed that they put infinitely more pressure on themselves to have children than others did. In other words, they seemed to think that others would judge them or somehow view their marriage as less legitimate because they couldn't have children.
I hope you have not felt that way.
As someone else said, money issues can really break the back of a relationship. When those money troubles are the result of another major struggle, I can only imagine how difficult your road has been.
Although it may seem like a cop out, I really do think you all will need counseling. Having an objective third party will allow both of you to voice your own struggles within the marriage. You may be surprised by what is going on in her head as well.
I hope the best for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): You have obviously been through a great deal together in your attempts to have a child. You have devoted ten years of your lives, and all your savings to that end. Don't you think it's time to stop? There are other ways to have a child in your lives; have you thought about adoption or surrogacy (if the latter is legal where you live)?
Your wife may not want to acknowledge your financial predicament because that would be tantamount to acknowledging that she may NEVER be able to have a child. She needs help with this, you both do.
Would you and your wife consider counselling? As "TEM" so rightly said, having a third party mediate is often the best way to go.
I hope you find a way to resolve this. You obviously love one another deeply or you wouldn't have been able to cope with all you have over the last ten years.
With love and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (10 March 2011):
 Financial trouble is the most common reason for having marital problems. You need to talk about it. I know this is difficult when there are arguments. It is not uncommon for one or both parties to shut down when they cannot come to an agreement. You can overcome this problem, but you have to talk about it and agree to work on it together.
You need to approach her in a calm manner in order to get her to open up to you. If you disagree with the direction she wants to takes, try to stay calm and hear her out. Be willing to compromise. If this does not work, you may have to participate in marriage counseling. Sometimes having an objective third party to mediate discussions helps when emotions flare.
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