A
female
age
41-50,
*amarillo
writes:Ok so after the phone call on saturday i made to my ex to ask for second chance he pretty much said no. I was devastated. I sent him an email the next day to say that i tried my best and that he didn't want to try and that i understood that hes already over it and that i have yet to start my grieving process and wished him a good weekend. In the end he sent me an email to say that he wasn't being mean to me and the i understood the reasons why (i still don't because they are vague reasons) and that he is not happy that i'm unhappy. Anyway my question is how do i get over it? i try to keep busy but it doesnt work. To top it off i'm job hunting and right now i am feeling so emotionally overwhelmed that i can't thinkstraight. Does meditation work or something else?I really am feeling like i'm in a dark place and its not nice.
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female
reader, Tamarillo +, writes (11 April 2008):
Tamarillo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk so after he sent me birthday text i sent him a text the next day to say thank you. He sends me email about him helping me out with job hunt and asks for my cv. So i send to him and then receive email from his work HR dept.
I sent him an email to say that i received email from HR and just said a polite thank you and then asked how he was. He didnt reply so i was getting distraught and the next day i phoned him up. He sounded like he was getting impatient as he was expecting aphone call from his lawyer and said he had to go and would call me back later that evening which he didnt. I thought he just wanted me off the phone as quick as he can because he didnt want tot alk to me.
Then yesterday..he phones me up but i didn't answer both calls because first time i was on the train with no recpetion and later that evening he phoned again but i didnt want to answer as i didn't really know what tosay to him. On the voicemail he apologises for not calling the night before as he had fallen asleep like the good old days as he says.
He phones me again today but i didn't pick up and he was annoyed because i dont answer the phone so i call him after. He just wanted to ask if he could send my cv off to more contacts of his so i said thats fine and then he talked about his job situation again.
what i want to know is...do i keep playing cool? The thing is i want him back and he hasn't mentioned anything about it at all to me.
Am i reading into things too much?
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (8 April 2008):
 Oh do we now? We just find it so easy. I'm sure you've ready some other posts on here, so I won't go into detail. I was with someone for a year. She was borderline personality. That's the love/hate disorder, that they used as the plot around the movie "fatal attraction".
My father said, next time trying to help someone, its best not to do so with someone who lives in your home. A police officer asked him on the phone if he and I could come up with a plan to quickly get my children and I to safety.
You'd think with all that, I'd be jumping for joy that I haven't seen or heard from her in 2 years. It feels good. What I don't explain much on here, helping others with their issues, it the affects of being with someone who is abusive. I have now been single, sex free, companion free, and oposite sex free, just begin my third year. Until more and more people start realizing what relationships are and how to actually treat their partners, I want absolutely nothing to do with being in one.
My first post one her, answering a question was in September, 2007. To date, and of course this is not include e-mails which I receive some direct requests for advice, I have answered 1,983 questions. That's not bad, but who really has time for that? It makes it easier when trying to overcome major depressive disorder, and the computer just happens to be in your bed. For three of those months, I'd be out of be about 3 hours a day, if that and that's not incuding the 4 hours of school in the morning. It made it easy to answer so many questions when you spend your days in bed. Do I personally feel bad? No. Just can't seem to get up to do much. I think part of it is, if I go out that's where temptation is to get in a relationship. Staying home, I aviod that.
Well that's enough about me. Now about you. You're not crazy. It's normal to want. You just don't understand? That's okay. You have your reasons and he has his. It's just that your reasons and his don't add up to the same outcome. You feel you've been used for two years. You said the relationship was good as a whole. So from your end, you received benefit for two years. If you received benefit, where do you find that you've been used?
It ending up like this, you need to really think about the elements. Relationships are a choice. That's it. They are not obligations, and being in one does not obligate one person to the other. The people are in it by choice, they remain in it by choice. The fears stem in many relationships because we know by choice they can change their mind. that's wehre a lot of jealousy and control comes in. Trying to hard to keep the other person from changing their mind. That's also why you're thinking about telling him about moving. Not for the benefit of information exchange, but to have the opportunity to see his reaction.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, Tamarillo +, writes (8 April 2008):
Tamarillo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm crazy for thinking this but i still want him back :*(
He hasn't bothered to contact me anymore after that phone call the other time he hasn't bothered. It kills me on the inside.
I just want him back. I have considered the relationship as a whole..like the positives and negatives..and generally overall it was a good relationship. I just don't understand why he wants to throw it all away.
I am trying to get on with my life and rekindling old friendships etc. Its just so hard. I just want to work on the relationship.
I feel like I've been used for two years...like he never loved me and it hurts me so much. I thought i would have gotten over it by now but i havent. Why do men find it so easy to get on with their lives after a break up?
I am considering going home to New Zealand...do you think i should tell him i'm leaving the UK? or he doesnt give a toss?
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (7 April 2008):
Do you understand we often fear the unknown? Relationships are the unknown. They are understuddies, yet over acted upon. True relationships begin with a relationship of yourself first. As long as you lack in one or more areas of your self, we tend to use the relationships as a means to fill that part we're missing. Then when the person is gone, our unwhole part resurfaces, which would be partially the cause of why you feel the way you do now.
They are also unknown because we can't figure out how someone can be with another, then decide not too at all. The two are still the same people, so what's different? It's an emotional change. The give and take. More taken than given the brain eventually calls it quits. It can be taken by physical, emotional or material means.
What you need to do is first realize he made a decision and he's entitled to the freedom to make such decision. Next come to really understand why this happened the way it did. What part did you take in what happened and what behaviors you need to change to aviod this from happening again. The I want you to learn to really appreciate. Go outside and just focus on everything around you. Appreciate the simple beauties. By doing so, you'll appreciate the larger things in life, including relationships. You can't ask for a second change and remain doing the same things. As you create change in yourself, he will begin seeing those changes and they may be what he's looking for in a partner.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, Tamarillo +, writes (7 April 2008):
Tamarillo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionStill feeling like crap...trying to get out of the house today by meeting with a friend whom i haven't seen for many years and is now living in London. Small world eh?
Anyway..i ended up sending a text to him to say thank you for the birthday greetings and that was it. Checked my email and got one from him asking who i spoke to at his company in HR about my CV. I told him the name. To be honest, he already knew about it from ages ago. I told him what had happened. Maybe he never really listened to me which in that case I was better off without him if he never listened to what i had to say at all.
I still have my low moments...felt terrible yesterday but not as much.
How do you get over this? I still want him back and thats the crappiest thing ever for me to think of!
Still no job and trying my best to find one.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (6 April 2008):
I'd say, have a wonderful birthday. I'd send him a text back, just saying "thank you". That's all that needs to be said after calling you that. Just because he's acting low, you should still act above and better mannered than he.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008): Tamarillo
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR XxXx
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A
female
reader, Tamarillo +, writes (5 April 2008):
Tamarillo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks
I had a moment of weakness yesterday and contacted him on msn. Saw that he was online...he was suprised and shocked to see me online anyway he was hostile to me so i just said i had to go and so he accused me of being a b***h to him. I was hurt by that comment and graciously said good bye..at the end of the conversation hes says he wants to help me and that he cares for me.
I was so distraught yesterday and extremely depressed. Now today is my birthday and I wont be doing anything today...just time with the family. I received texts from friends from NZ and to my suprise i recieve one from the ex saying he wished me a happy birthday and that i was celebrating it.
Haven't bothered to reply to it at all..should i even bother? He hasn't apologised for calling me a b***h. That is a very spiteful thing to say if they have not treatedyou that way. Now hes acting like it never happened.
Im so low right now...what should i do?
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A
female
reader, skiergirl +, writes (5 April 2008):
He could be trying to help you out with your job search to make up for the fact that he cannot give you the relationship you want with him. I'm sure he cares for you on some level (but not the level you want) and feels guilty that you are sad about the relationship not working out. So, he's offered to circulate your cv.
If you think he can genuinely help you, accept his help. But don't read this as a signal that he wants the relationship to move forward. If it's too difficult to interact with him now, you may need to ignore the gesture all together.
Breakups stink. It took me about seven months to get over my last one. The pain does diminish. To help me get over my ex, I instituted 60 days of no contact with him. I set positive goals every day and wrote them down. I allowed myself to vent my feelings about him on paper (if necessary). At the end of the day I wrote down and reviewed the positive things of the day that did not involve him. Essentially, I forced myself to focus on things other than him. And it helped a lot. Was I over it completely after 60 days? No - but I felt a heck of a lot better and stronger. And the feelings continue to diminish from there. I still haven't met someone else (I had one brief dating relationship that didn't work, and have had a couple dates) to replace the feelings or emotions I had for him. But - my feelings aren't as strong.
You just need to get through it. But actively try to shift your focus onto other things.
Hope this helps. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Tamarillo +, writes (2 April 2008):
Tamarillo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok after not hearing from him since that email i got an emailfrom him this morning. it was all very formal..asking for my cv so he can forward to people for a job. What should I do? The thing is I am looking but then again why is he helpingnow when were together he never really bothered?
Should I just ignore it?
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A
female
reader, Tamarillo +, writes (2 April 2008):
Tamarillo is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni feel so tempted to call him or contact him to ask if hesmet someone else. its so hard right now..im tempted to upsticks and head back home to New Zealand. I just feel like running away from it all. Everywhere i go reminds me of him.
How do i get over it? A part of me still wishes for something to happen between us but i know its over..my heart still doesn't want to reconcile with the mind that its over.
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A
male
reader, DavidDavid3428 +, writes (1 April 2008):
sorry to hear that but maybe he is not the one for you.My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday and i feel awfull and a mess there´re so many pictures and memories of us together that eveyplace i look at on my room i see something to do with her or remember me her feel like i lost the love of my live.Last night i could´t sleep at all but i´m sure the time will help me to go throught this as the time will help you in your case be patient my friend but yes this hurts alot.let the time do its job and help us to makes the pain go away.i feel very down as i guess you feel know i cryed my heart out and now i start feeling better i hope to get some sleep tonight.I hope my answer help you someway
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (1 April 2008):
Keep doing what you've been doing, and do a self evaluation. Let me ask you this. How much do you actually know about how relationships work? How much do you know about yourself, your personalities and behaviors, which provide benefit to being in a relationship?
When I ended with someone who I really loved years ago, I did this. I was so disappointed in myself by the time i was done, because I could point out negative behaviors, lack of certain actions, and realized I didn't have enough knowledge to consider dating, because I didn't have a good relationship and grasp of who I was.
At that time I came to realize, how could I benefit a relaitonship without knowing what I could offer. This would be a good start for your healing. It at least gives a beginning process of not repeating errors. Remember this. His decision is not you. It's his taking the easy road in not willing to work as a couple in solving issues within the relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): You are going to have to go through a period of grieving the secret is to let yourself grieve for a time, but not indefinitely. I set times to allow myself to grieve and times I would not allow those thoughts. I did not allow myself to think about it 24/7 especially not when I needed to be fully present doing something else, like looking for a job.
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