A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have a friend who is just starting (a year ago) to get into a hobby that I have practiced since I was a kid. I am 39 now so it's been over 30 years since I started. A lot of things are not going right for her and she asks me for advice. When I tell her what she might be doing wrong (making a list of possibilities) she says I am too critical. I told her I would just stay out of it then, but then she says she really wants my help because I am so much more experienced than she is. I asked her if I could watch her and she said "No, because then you are going to criticize what I am doing." I told her: "I might or might not. Maybe you are doing it pretty well and there are other factors at play, but I couldn't say without watching you. Why do you automatically assume I will say something negative?" She had no response, but she says she prefers I not watch her. I really want to help, but I am also totally okay with her just having fun her own way. However, if that's the case then I don't want her seeking my advice when things go wrong. That is a pattern I wish to break. How do I relay this to her? So far she sees me as unhelpful, critical, and unsympathetic. I see her as wanting help, but not wanting to hear anything critical. I realize there is a difference between constructive criticism and biting criticism, but I am not even at that point yet because she won't let me watch her out of fear of what "I might" say. She perceives me just listing what she MIGHT be doing wrong as too critical, which seems ridiculous to me. I am at my wit's end here. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 January 2013):
 Sometimes,... it's the DELIVERY of the advice/criticism which is so hard to hear....
I've begun dating a lady who is a very good - and advanced - bridge player. When I began replaying the game - again, after about 30 years - she was frustrated at my naive and uninformed/unlearned play. She was critical in a way that I thought was harsh.... and told her that that was how she "came across." She adjusted her advice/criticism.... and we've come to much better terms, and play well together... and I've probably gotten better, quicker, because of the coordination that we did relative to her shaping her comments/advice/criticism/instruction to a more bearable format....
Good luck....
P.S. What is the hobby? I used to make model automobiles and airplanes... and spent most of my Saturdays in a small, confined room sniffing the glue fumes and enjoying it immensely!!!!!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2013): As Cindy says, it's a hobby and not a career.I suspect that when she asks you what she's doing wrong, she really may be seeking attention and encouragement so tell her what she's doing right even if you have to tell a white lie. You should be flattered that she's taken an interest in something you've been at for so long, could be that she's really taken an interest in you and took up your hobby as a way to get closer. Remember back to when your were just getting started, think back to what (or who) first got you interested and try to put your nine-year-old self in her shoes. Simply try to share your love and enjoyment of your common activity with her without being overly technical.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 January 2013):
 It's a hobby ,not a career. Let her be. Being watched and always waiting for the shoe to drop , the shoe of the next criticism, no matter how justified, spoils the fun and ruin the experience for most people.
I also personally do not see anything wrong in waiting for her to seek your help when things go wrong, and I don't quite understand why you need to break the pattern. ( Again, we are talking about a hobby, not about life changing choices where warning or intervening promptly might be a moral imperative ). If SHE feels she is stuck, she did something wrong , she totally messed up AND , therefore, will be in the mood for being corrected , redirected ,criticized or even reprimanded, she'll ask for your help, and , as the good friend you are, you'll be available. Otherwise, if she does not ask , she is not in the mood for etc.etc., so check your natural impulse to intervene or interfere . A good friend is one who's there for you when YOU want, not when he thinks he should be .
Of course if this goes against your grain , you could simply tell her that regardless of your expertise in the field, you do not feel apt / able / inclined to assist her in the way she needs , therefore it's better if she seeks help from other people or professional instructors.
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A
female
reader, neomum  +, writes (24 January 2013):
I would advise her to go to a starter course at a local college to help her that way she can't complain if your being judge mental.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (24 January 2013):
Hey, that's my wife you're talking about!
You can't change her, she's too sensitive. You may be a little more critical than you realize as well, so what you should try is giving her some generic tips.
While it's not as useful as real criticism, she doesn't seem to be able to accept criticism anyways.
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