A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have decided my wife deserves a new husband. I cannot give what she feels will make her happy. She and I have discussed this subject at length and I am simply not the man for the "job". She does not know I have reached this conclusion but I believe she is or, at the least, should be coming to this realization soon. Since we were high school sweethearts, we have known each other for most of our lives and I really want to help her in this matter. Do you have any recommendations about how to proceed? To the ladies reading this, do you have any dating websites you found preferable? I would need to find someone who can not only be a satisfying husband to her but also a more than adequate step-father to our children. I appreciate your time in advance. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2011): @The anonymous reader of December 23 who says I still come across as controlling: If you understood the entire situation, you would understand better. Those details, however, (and I mean this with no disrespect) are irrelevant. Though I will say, we did agree at one point, if we were ever going to get divorced, it would need to be because I started proceedings because of the entire details of this situation to which I refer and, if I might add, doing so was entirely her idea and her request. I told her though I prefer a 'marriage-for-Life' relationship (abusive marriages excluded), as much as the thought of doing so would pain me, I would respect that request because I love her.
Now, I really hope what I am about to say does not coming off as condescending or snarky but focusing on these other details is not helping but only making this situation more agonizing for me. So, please, I ask again, please, focus on the questions asked. If you are just looking at the title and drawing conclusions primarily from it, you might want to know I did not chose the title of the question when I asked it but left the title box blank which resulted in the nice people at dearcupid.org selecting it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2011): You still come across as being very controlling. YOU will make the decision whether to divorce or not -- YOU will decide what's best for your wife -- YOU will "help" find your replacement. Can you honestly not see that leaving her out of all these decisions is the epitome of controlling?
And I really wonder what you mean when you say that you "have to" initiate the divorce. Women can file for divorce in every state in the US nowadays ...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011): @So_Very_Confused: This is not a question of me "wanting out". The facts are exactly as I have described them. She does deserve a better husband, whether I initiate a divorce or not.The divorce rate, while completely irrelevant to the discussion, is actually much lower in America than 50%. But, like I said, such statistics are not the issue at hand.@Tisha: The thought has occured to me and I know her well enough to know what that hypothesis is not true.As far as vetting and questionnaires go, this is not something I plan to do for her, as evidenced by my earlier statements, but something with which I plan to help her. I see it as the very least I can do to make up what I owe her.If she does have "someone in her sights right now and might now welcome your 'help'", then we agree I should be helping. In any event, she has not told me she does; so, I must go on the presumption she does not.Where I come from, helping to keep a promise is not considered "controlling". Were I the potential suitor, I would consider it helpful for the extern-husband to say, "Look, whatever happens between you two is up to you. I do think, however, you would make a better husband for her than I." Most divorce couples I know are cordial and supportive of each other.Lest you think she would find such "controlling", I did pitch a hypothetical scenario to her last night along these lines and she had no objection to my (hypothetical) help.@Greenchairs: Thanks for trying anyway.
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female
reader, Greenchair +, writes (21 December 2011):
I think that's sweet, if not ... um ... out of the ordinary. Maybe if more people would take the amount time and thought you are giving to your wife and applied it to their marriages everyday, we would have much fewer divorces. I am sorry I do not have any websites or dating services to suggest, though. Sorry.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 December 2011):
 Has it occurred to you she might simply be happier without a man in her life right now? Men can be a lot of work, frankly, and she may just like a break, where she only has to care for the child and for herself.
Were you planning to go on the dates with her to vet the guy?
There are many dating sites that match people based on questionnaires--you won't be able to fill those in because you are not her.
It's possible she has someone in her sights right now and might now welcome your 'help.'
I think if news of your involvement ever got back to the potential suitors, it would scare most of them off. I'd rethink the 'plan' you have for her future. It sounds... ummm.... controlling, I think is the word.
Take care.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 December 2011):
 I saw this in a movie once Susan Sarandon was dying and she picked Julia Roberts to be the new STEPMOM...
If you want out you should leave but don't blame the "my wife needs a better husband" on the reason. That's a crock.
more than 50% of all marriages end. it happens. you don't even need a reason... just go.
if your wife wants a new and improved hubby she will find one when she is ready.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011): @Bluecow: I never said I would be the one choosing the new husband. If you recall my earlier comment, I even explicitly stated "I am not looking to 'make decisions for my wife'." I simply know that which she seeks is elsewhere. What husband worthy of the title would not help his wife find happiness for, as the saying goes, "If you love something [or, in this case, someone] set it [or them] free." She and I have discussed this. She would be happier with someone else. I want to help her find that person.
I have not called myself a 'terrible husband'; I am merely not the right husband for her. I am not what she needs, wants, or deserves.
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female
reader, bluecow  +, writes (21 December 2011):
 ok IVe come back to this after more thought.
OP perhaps you could answer this for me.
Why would someone who feels they are terrible at their "job" as husband and father feel that they are the person most qualified to choose the very thing they (claim) are failing at?
I wouldnt take reccomendations from a doctor who had been struck off, just like I wouldnt take a reccomendation for a new car from a car theif.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011): From the question asker: I have individual replies listed to respective persons marked as such and a general reply to all at the end. None of these replies are meant to be taken in any mean or insulting tone. Please take them as the words of a humble man now realizing what he must do; for that is all they are.
@Rainorfire: Thank you. Unfortunately, she does not want me to fight for her. Also, I do know why she is unhappy. The reasons are simply things which I can never change, which means I will never be able to achieve a main purpose of marriage: to make her happy.
@Aunty BimBim: I certainly do not have "somebody waiting in the wings". I am unattractive, socially awkward, and not very well-liked outside of a small group of people. The facts are exactly as I have stated.
@CindyCares: Perhaps, but I do owe this to her; you may find my reply to Bluecow illuminating. Also, I did not say you needed my permission to comment. I merely asked you not to comment if you are not willing to help answer the question I posed; no more, no less. I apologize for any confusion or misunderstanding on my part.
@The anonymous reader asserting it is not up to me to make her happy: Where I come from, the two main purposes of marriage are to (1) uplift each other as much as possible and (2) to share a happy life together. I can do the first easily but with respect to the second, the happiness is clearly asymmetrical: She makes me happy but I cannot make her happy. Perhaps, where you come from, the main purposes differ from mine but they are mine.
@Bluecow: With respect to the first two questions, they are, no offense, irrelevant to the question I asked but I will address them nonetheless. The issue is not why I consider her unhappy but the fact I know she is unhappy and I also know I cannot do anything to change that because what would make her happy I cannot provide. As far as why helping her is up to me, without going into specifics, I owe this to her. I took a vow years ago to make her happy and I now admit to myself what I have known for a long time: I am not the person to do it. The characteristics of a husband who will make her happy are not one I possess or can obtain.
I certainly do not mean to meddle after our divorce but only help and support her.
As far as why I am a consolation prize, we were engaged to be married when our relationship started becoming 'rocky'. Intense arguments, which rarely happened before, were now occurring on a near-daily basis; sometimes multiple times a day. She became increasing frustrated and angry with me, no matter what I had done, good, bad, or neutral. In retrospect, I can see clearly the wedding was going to be called off. After about six months when it looked like we were quickly heading for a break up, we learned she was pregnant with our child. The arguments immediately stopped. We married shortly after the child being born. Simultaneously, due to the combination of family and financial constraints she quit school having only earned a baccalaureate degree instead of the MBA she was originally planning to achieve. Over the years, it has become clear to me she married me only because she felt obligated to as a result of the pregnancy and has remained married to me because she feels she has to for financial reasons, despite my willingness to continue supporting her under whatever divorce settlement the courts decide, if not more so. (Granted, I suppose the possibility exists I might not have made that last point clear. I am not entirely sure.)
We did consider counseling but she decided not to pursue it. So, at this point, the only way to get her to counseling probably would be to force her there, which will probably only make matters worse due to the resentment which would surely follow.
I still love her and I do owe this to her though because I promised her one thing, have failed to deliver, and unless I change things will continue to fail. I cannot give her what she deserves but I can help her in her search to find it. And when she does find it, though it will pain me like no other, I will be the one to celebrate it the loudest.
@The anonymous reader with whom "all hell would break loose": where I come from it would not be seen as saying the life we have shared is meaningless nor as saying she is incapable of finding someone on her own.
@Everyone: Please, I am not looking to stop what clearly must happen. If someone breaks another person's arm, we would not place so much attention on why the break occurred nor what the intentions are of the breaker, who now wants to make things right, nor find such a willingness to help impertinent but would instead focus on how to mend the bone. Likewise, I have a broken promise to mend. So, please, either answer the question as written or, at the very least, avoid wasting your time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011): If my husband had the audacity to make a decision that affected my life like ending our marriage on his own, and proceeded to try and find me a new husband, all hell would break loose. Your wife is an adult and will find herself a new husband at her own pace, when she is ready for that to happen. By acting this way you are saying that the life you have shared to this point is meaningless and that she incapable of finding someone on her own, I know this isn;t your intention, but that is what she will most see your actions as meaning. If you want to break up your marriage and family, then do so, but leave whatever happens next in her life up to her. She is the only person who can decide who is deserving to be with her, nobody else.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 December 2011):
 I AM assisting you as much as I can, and my assistence consists precisely in reminding you something that you apparently have forgotten : She is your adult soon-to-be ex wife, not your pupil,not a minor, not incapacitated, not mentally ill, - therefore,not only you do not have have the moral obligation but,most of all, you do not have the RIGHT to interfere in her private business ,which will include the search for a better husband once she sees that fit.
Let me add that , considering your overbearing attitude when you are not immediately humoured up ( this is a public forum and we don't need your permission to comment...) that search may prove not so terribly difficult...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011): u say the divorce must be started by you.............so very cryptic
btw: while u are out sourcing a suitable hb for your wife and suitablestepfather to father your children, what are u going to be doing in your life? so u admit that u are not a good hb or even a good dad and u need to find a decent man who will take care of your wife and kids...........so very noble of you!
LoveGirl
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female
reader, bluecow +, writes (21 December 2011):
ahhhh ok thankyou for coming back.
I am SO SO pleased that your motives arent about some sort of financial arrangement.
However, why do you consider your wife to be unhappy?
Why would it be up to you to help her find another husband?
She may well have an outlook on her life which means she must be married, however if you divorce her I urge you not to meddle in her private life.
I'm worried that you consider youself not good enough? and a consolation prize? Why?
Why is your wife so unhappy?
Its hard to advise you properly without knowing the bare bones of the situation.
Do you think counselling would help?
Either way, its not your place to find your replacement. A marriage is not like a job, you dont (and shouldnt) have to train up your replacement when you retire. x
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011): "As far as my emotions go, I am happy with our marriage but I can see she is not and what it would take to make her happy, which is all I want, I am incapable of doing/being."
Sorry I have an issue with this statement.... it is not up to you to make her happy, if she is unhappy within herself she should seek counselling to find out why she feels that way. I dont believe that another man will sort out the problems, because after a while when boredom sets in [and it will!] then what is the solution - another husband change????
If a person is unhappy within themselves they will be unhappy regardless of who/what/where and how.... they will just carry it with them.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 December 2011):
You don't have to worry. If your wife wants a new, better husband she 'll let you know and she'll surely be able to proceed without any assistence from you. Women are much more adept ,ingenious and creative at replacing husbands than their exes like to think.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (21 December 2011):
 werrrrr ease up there!
If you and your wife decide to end your marriage it's not up to you to find your replacement .... in fact I am suspicious about your motives here, are you sure you dont have somebody waiting in the wings for you which is why you want to hasten the end of your current marriage?
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male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (21 December 2011):
 I think thats interesting. I can understand what your trying to do youve known your wife along time shes an important aspect of your life so naturally you want her to be happy. Actually what your proposing is not all that uncommon I once read about a culture where the only way a man could divorce his wife is if he found her a suitable replacement.
I my self broke up with a Gf once and set her up with the guy she truly loved. Like you we had been freinds a very long time so her happyness was important to me and where still freinds.
But your married i think you need to get to the bottom of whats causing your wife to be unhappy, you both have invested much time into this relationship and you have children. Why is your wife unhappy has she fallen out of love with you. Have you expressed to her how much you love her and want to be with her?
It seems as if you have given up and maybe she has to. Why dont you try treating her the way you treated her back in highschool the first time you saw her make her feel special again. Be a man fight for her for your family dont just give up.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011): I am the person who asked the question. I am not looking to "make decisions for my wife". I do know, however, she is someone who, as part of how she envisions her life unfolding, would need to be married. And that person would need to have characteristics which I cannot provide (our marriage was a "consolation prize" for her, so to speak; my words).
As far as my emotions go, I am happy with our marriage but I can see she is not and what it would take to make her happy, which is all I want, I am incapable of doing/being.
And to the woman asking if this involves alimony or child support, no, we already have procedures in place for what would happen in the event of a divorce and her re-marriage would not influence the outcome of those procedures.
The situation is exactly as it sounds: She deserves a husband far better than me and, given various factors, she would not really be in a position to initiate divorce proceedings if she wanted to. For reasons I am not at liberty to disclose, the divorce must be started by me and I owe it to her to make sure she maximizes the likelihood of finding a better spouse.
Believe me, don't believe me, it matters not. I am not asking for whether anyone here thinks this is a good idea or not. I am asking for assistance. So, if you are not willing to assist, I would ask you not comment.
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female
reader, bluecow +, writes (21 December 2011):
wow!!!
When you walk out the door, you have no right to meddle in what you leave behind.
Why does he need to be a "more than adequate step father"? The children have a father - YOU!. Of course you want whoever he is to be good with the kids, but he will not be their dad!
You cannot make a decision for your wife. You cannot choose who she loves or who she doesnt. When you leave, you have absoloutly NO further interest or right to know what she does with whome. So long as your children are happy healthy and safe, your involvement ends there.
Your wife is a grown woman who has a mind of her own. She is the person to be making the decision as to who she should and shouldnt date - NOT you.
Why does she need to marry again? And very quickly it seems from your post. Is this to stop alimony or child support?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011): "I have decided my wife deserves a new husband."
Sorry but you do not get to make that decision for her. If your wife is truly unhappy then she will leave you in her own time.
If you are unhappy in your marriage and want to leave, that is your decision. However, don't pretend that you're leaving for her sake. Take the responsibility for your decision!
No matter what happens, it is not your place to find your wife another husband, screen prospective stepfathers for your children, or even suggest dating sites to her. She is an adult and will move on in her own time, if and when your marriage breaks up.
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