A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a LDR with my boyfriend of 5 months. The first time we had sex, he had trouble getting it up at first but was eventually able to get up and stay up multiple times after. I figured maybe he was nervous because it was our first time or something. We finally saw each other again last night after three months and the sex was a disaster. He wasn't able to get up as easily, and whenever he did, he'd lose it in seconds. I tried giving him head, and the first time it worked but when we tried to go for sex, he went limp. The second time, it worked for about two seconds and he just went limp in my mouth! I've never had a problem like this before, so I'm not used to it. I felt terrible because he kept apologizing saying that he's under a lot of stress and he was tired, and I can understand that. I told him not to worry about it, gave him a massage instead, but he kept trying in vain. I care about him a lot and I want us to work through this but I'm not quite sure how. My question is what do you think is going on??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): Thanks for your answers, everyone. As for details that might help, he's 26yrs old, smokes almost a pack a day, and he had one beer before things got heated. He says that he never has a problem when he's by himself, which left me wondering if it was me causing all this?? I do think it's a vicious circle for him. To me, it feels like he puts himself under so much pressure because he thinks sex is what I want, and when he can't perform, he feels worse and worse about himself, which makes it even harder for him to get/stay up. I did tell him that we didn't need to have sex and I tried to get him to let it go, but he was the one who kept initiating it.
A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom  +, writes (8 August 2010):
 The same thing happened to my boyfriend one time with me, he felt really embarrassed and guilty. But it went away and the next time we did it he was back to normal. Once it happens the first time, he gets more nervous about it happening again so it does and it's all a viscious circle. And the stress he was already under probably didn't help. Does he smoke? Had he been drinking? This can all affect potence. Next time it happens, just tell him not to worry or feel bad, and if it happens a lot, maybe he should see a doctor.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (8 August 2010):
 It's admirable that you are such a loving partner that you would go to such lenghts to help him out with this problem. But that may also be part of it.
Focusing on his lack of hardness every time you have sex means thats ALL he can think about, and thus starts a circle of negative thoughts and ultimate failure.
Men are strange that way.
You dont state his age, it might be a factor. You also need to find out if he stays hard when he masturbates. If he does, then the solution is reasonably simple.
Simple but not easy.
He needs to cut down on the masturbation, for 2/3 days before you guys get together, so that the focus of his lust is you, instead of some fantasy in his head.
You could also try some reasonably intimate contact, but without having intercourse. That would ease the pressure on his fragile male ego, and he can get hard, or stay soft and not feel under pressure to 'perform'.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010): He might have masturbated before you guys had sex...most guys need some turn around time after they ejaculate (depending on the person it can be anywhere from 40mins to a day). If that wasn't the case, he may have actually been tired or stressed - both cause guys to go limp (as does a lot of alcohol). If it wasn't either of those, than he may have a problem south of the border (be candid and ask).
Cheers!
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A
female
reader, peace love nsn +, writes (8 August 2010):
he's probably nervouse. don't think much of it ok?
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A
male
reader, groovymoving  +, writes (8 August 2010):
Might be several things. He might be under a lot of stress, causing his body to disfunction. He might not be into women in the first place, even if he denies it. Eventually, he might simply find you so wonderful and dazzling that his body automatically gets nervous around you and ends up doing the opposite of what it's supposed to be doing when turned on. It may sound silly, but I think it is a possibility you can consider though. The human body is a mystery, you know.
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A
female
reader, alliecat12121 +, writes (8 August 2010):
will with me the frist time me and my husband did it he did not make it in and he got off. but now his the same way. i found its the mood the lights the sound. it all plays a part in it all. try dressing a a sexy outfit. set on his lap and kiss his ear. also try giveing him that massage but on his chest why you do that rub up on him that works with my husband all the time. even a playful game help with it..
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