A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I (both in twenties) have been together for 5 years but we're having our first holiday abroad this year. He can be very snappy at times and I've found he's been doing it a lot recently, I've talked to him and he's said he will stop but he hasn't. We got our travel money today and he started getting really angry whilst we were counting it for absolutely no reason. He starting raising his voice telling me to count my money ' Just count it for ****s sake' So I looked him in the eye and just said, okay look at what you're doing, right now, this is what I mean when i say you snap at me. and he calmed down for a minute and he started really snapping at me again so I went to get down to where he was and give him a hug and say 'why are you so angry' and he pushed me away, and said I was annoying him and went out of the room. He said 'sorry but don't tell me to calm down' which isn't a sorry. I ended up going home very upset. We now have 3 days until our holiday and I don't want to go. We've paid over $1500 each and I am absolutely dreading it, dreading how he will snap at me under the pressure of travelling and everything else, he can't see what he's doing even when I tell him. I don't want to go, I feel like I've wasted all of my money and I don't want to spend a week with him, I really don't know what to do.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 July 2014):
 You're already paid 1500, but you will spend more money whilst on the holiday. Remember that. You are saving money by NOT going.
I want to tell you about my ex. He was a very angry man. In retrospect I can see that he was abusive, both physically and verbally. Name calling, shouting at me, getting angry for no reason. Once we were going on a vacation for two weeks. We had already started the journey, and he had traveled to my country for this vacation (we were long distance). In the very beginning of the vacation he got angry with me, and chased me around our cabin. I was trying to get away, I wanted to get out because I was scared of him. But he blocked the doors and continued his screaming at me. Once he was done, and I was able to leave the cabin, I went for a long walk in tears trying to think of what to do. I could call for help, and have someone take him to the airport so I wouldn't have to take him there alone. He'd have to book a new flight to get home, and he probably couldn't afford that. I didn't have the heart to leave him on the streets in my country either, and I didn't want to have him stay with a relative of mine... because they would know we were broken up if he came to stay alone, so why would they want to have him in their house?
I was at a loss for what to do. Everything had been planned for the following couple of weeks.
I should have just had him taken to the airport. When he acts the way he does, it is on him. His responsibility. But I just am not such a person who can do that, after all I did care for him. So I ended up going back to the cabin, and we continued out vacation. But I decided from that day to NOT let his company ruin my vacation. In my eyes, I went alone. I ignored his presence to the best of my abilities.
I ended up having a great vacation, without much memory of him being there with me. I just didn't focus on him. In my heart we were already done, and I didn't let his words hurt me.
So, it is possible to go on a vacation with your bf, and just ignore him. Enjoy yourself, do separate activities, or do activities that wont need you to talk together.
But, as for the money, trust me. You are throwing away money by GOING. Because even if you've already spent money on the trip, you will still spend more money going there. After all you were sitting there and counting this money just earlier now... How much do you plan to spend whilst on vacation? Wouldn't you rather use that money on something else?
Yes, it's a bitch to have spent money on a vacation you wont go on. But look, you live only once. You don't take money with you to the grave, and you can't buy time. You have the option now: go have a crappy vacation and throw away some of the days of your life, which you could have used on being happy doing something else... Or decide that you wont do what makes you unhappy, just because you paid for it. It's okay to have second thoughts. It's okay to say you don't want to go, after all.
Maybe you can even get the money back on a travel insurance, or at least get some of it back. I would call the agency/airline/insurance company and ask. Every travel insurance has a cancellation-insurance in it, so if you have a travel insurance this should be okay. However as far as I am aware, the cancellation insurance cam only be used if there's a medical reason for why you can't go. In which case you could see your doctor and explain the situation, and ask for a note to give the insurance company saying that you can't go.
The doctor can give you such a "sick leave" as we call it here in Norway, based on stress/trauma/personal crisis situations, not just when you have the flue. You will just have to be brutally honest about how your boyfriend treats you and how it impacts you. Don't play down his actions.. look at what he's actually doing to you! He's treating you so poorly you don't even want to go on this vacation! That says a lot about how he acts and treats you, for it to come to this point!
Good luck. And, whatever you decide, do try to think about whether this relationship is worth it or not. It's your life, you only have x many days in it. Is this how you want to spend those days? It's been 5 years already, hasn't he gotten enough of your precious time? It like the thing with money/the vacation.. so you lose 5 years you've invested in a relationship, but you will surely only lose more by staying.
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (15 July 2014):
 Maybe life in general is stressing him out, job, bills etc and the holiday is just what he needs to chill out?
However, if this behaviour is normal for him I am surprised you have stuck it out for 5 years.
I would either try to get a refund and if its not possible, try selling your share of the holiday to one of his mates so they can go with him.
You can always use your money to holiday without him
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 July 2014):
 I would look into cancellation insurance if you bought any (I have always done this, but I know not everyone want to spend that $50-200.)
If you haven't then.. is this a place you want to go? If so, GET a separate room and have a vacation on your own, I think it's possible to avoid him at this vacation spot if you want to. It does seem a little weird but I'd not waste a $1500 because the BF is a total wanker.
And YES, I would tell him ahead of time. Who knows maybe he won't go.
And maybe, honey, it's time to end this relationship, it sounds really unhealthy. I really don't give a flying fart about how stressed he might be, he doesn't need to treat you the way he does.
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A
female
reader, -BMBTL- +, writes (14 July 2014):
 I'm sorry to hear this situation, this isn't fair on you if he is snapping and hurting you by those actions.
I know he will say he is 'sorry' but he will only do it again and again, if you let him that is.
Is there anyone else you could go with instead?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (14 July 2014):
I'm not sure you should go to be honest. He sounds like a nasty piece of work. Any chance that you can cancel and get money back (insurance at all)?
Seriously, he sounds like a bully to me. I think the holiday is the least of your issues. He seems to take a bit of pleasure in bullying you.Maybe you need to start thinking about whether this is a man you want to be with. I think his behaviour will get progressively worse and scarier for you.
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