A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need some serious help. I feel like such a terrible person because I can't control my own emotions. Recently my friend started smoking and its crushed me, I've cried everyday since, just knowing he does it upsets me and I'd give anything in this world for him to quit. And no, I dont fancy him, I'm gay, hes just my best friend.He was so against it for so long, 22 years infact, then suddenly because all his mates did n he went through a rough time he started, and hes outright refused to quit. He was such a healthy guy, at one point was training to be a fitness instructor, ate healthily, went to the gym, got involved with sports.Smoking killed the guy that brought me up thats why I'm so against it, he says he understands why I dont like it and say he regrets ever doing it but surely if he regretted it he would quit??I can;t live with this, I cant deal with it. I wish I could trun round and say its me or the fags but I'm not like that.. But i can;t be friends with him anymore because he smokes and it kills me. What can I do, If i loose him its gonna be hell, I don;t want us to fall out but I cannot accept him smoking, is there anything I could say nicely that would pursuade him to quit?
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female
reader, Faye2011  +, writes (20 March 2013):
 Advice him that smoking has a lot of bad effect on health. Buy electric cigarettes this is a great idea to start quitting smoking.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 March 2013):
 Just a brief follow-up.....
1. Those who tolerate a smoking partner, do so at their own discretion.... As well....
1A. For those who seek companionship/love on "dating" sites.... note how many men or women will simply not consider a smoker for a partner....
(May I point out that we now know that second-hand smoke presents additional perils.... My Mother's second husband was a chain-smoker... and, as a result of the 18 years she spent with him, her lung function was decreased by at least 30% (!), and her activities were limited, thereby, in the last years of her life... )
2. Smoking takes an economic toll on the smoker (and his family and/or partners) beyond the actual cost of tobacco products.... Consider: If you smoke in your car, its resale/trade-in value plummets... since the odor is all but impossible to remove from it (the upholstery and headliner).....
2A. Your home value is diminished, if/as potential buyers view it.... detect the smoke... and have to reconcile that extensive painting and/or redecorating are necessary due to the smoke odor and residues....
I smoked when I was a teen.... and gave it up - during college - when the price went to 35 cents/pack in the vending machines. It was the smartest "cheapskate" decision that I ever made....
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (20 March 2013):
If he wants to quit, you can help him. If he doesnt want to quit, dont even bother trying. You can help someone who is trying, but you cannot "care" for someone who doesnt care already.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 March 2013):
 Ah yes, smoking is so good/benign/not linked to cancer except for those annoying studies that people would prefer to ignore, well, it's such a healthful activity for people that we encourage toddlers to start smoking as soon as they start walking. Oh wait. It falls into the category of something that only adults should do….
He gets to decide to pollute his own lungs. You get to decide if you want to spend time with him.
The thing that seems to be the major problem is your reaction to his chosen habit.
"I can't control my own emotions."
"It's crushed me"
"I've cried everyday since"
"I can't live with this"
"I can't deal with it"
Leave the people who think that there's nothing wrong with nicotine to give it to their own children.
I would take your over-emotional reaction as a sign that you might want to clarify the issues you face as: "things I can fix" and "things I have no control over."
If he wants to smoke even though that's a dumb ass thing to do, that's his issue. Let him know that the smell is a problem for you as it brings up all sorts of memories and unhappy associations and then…. let it go.
I used to smoke, I started too as a tension relief. My car was stolen one night and as I was dealing with the aftermath, I picked up a cigarette because a friend smoked too. It gave me a focus and a bit of a buzz and I was hooked.
I would have saved a lot of health issues and unattractive wrinkles had I never taken it up.
That all being said. If you are so freaked out and incapable of coping, you have issues beyond his decision to smoke. I would take your reaction as a sign that you have some personal healing to attend to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): As someone who has smoked over 20 a day for 25+ years and who has recently given up, I think you can get him to stop!I recently met someone who looked so heartbroken each time I had a cigarette in his presence, that I couldn't handle it any longer!He never did the usual anti smoking speeches or made me feel bad about myself, anxious for myself or my wallet, just made me feel Like I was hurting him every time I light up!Shame he is no longer in my life! ......
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A
male
reader, LivingWithBadDecisions +, writes (19 March 2013):
 peoples opinions change op.I smoke and i dont think its a great health choice but Ill stop if and when i feel like it not when someone else asks/tells me to no matter how good their intensions are.you cant change what he wants to do. period.i know youre just looking out for him but he doesnt want to be looked out for. either let it go or find a different friend.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (19 March 2013):
Get your act together, OP. You can cry and sob all you want but in the end it's his choice and if he wants to stop, it'll only happen when HE wants to, not you. He's an adult and free to make his own decisions. Unlike what the masses are told, smoking does not equal 'certain death'. My entire family smokes and we've got a lot of tough old basterds in there. On the other hand I have an acquaintance who is battling lung cancer. Hasn't smoked a cig in his life, eats well, exercises, lives healthily. My dad has been smoking like a chimney since he was 15. There was this lung smoke scanning service and I got him to get it done. You know what he was told? "I can tell you don't smoke, your lungs are healthy!" We had a big laugh after that. Honestly, just because the government has some investment to get people off smoking (and it's not from the goodness of their heart) doesn't mean the horror story they're selling is 100% fact. They sent in thousands of soldiers to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Well we all know how truthful that PR campaign was...Look, what I'm trying to say is to stop losing sleep over it. It's not worth it and it sure as hell isn't going to get you what you want. A true friend accepts the other--including their flaws. Make a deal with him not to smoke around you: that's the part you can influence. Otherwise, leave it alone or end the friendship. But you can't demand an ultimatum; it's unfair. I've been in a car crash. How unfair would it be if I demanded that my loved ones stop driving cars?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): Oh and OP, please don't presume he's an idiot that doesn't know how smoking will effect him, with all due respect I've heard a million sob stories about lung cancer, liver cancer, car accidents, rapes, murders, it hasn't stopped me smoking, drinking alcohol, getting into cars, getting really drunk, or walking down the street on my own. I choose not to live my life in fear and some of the oldest people to have ever lived smoked since they were a young teen.Don't waste your breath trying to emotionally blackmail him into stopping with the story of your dead guardian. My aunt died of liver cancer yet no one in my family stopped drinking, my fiancée nearly died in a car crash I'm not going to stop getting into cars, we even have pictures of mouth cancer and diseased lungs on our cigarette packs now, I couldn't care less.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): I'm a smoker OP and while my fiancée would love it if I quit she knows there's nothing she can say to make it happen.OP there's no need to feel like a terrible person but frankly he'd be better off without you in his life if you're going to be so judgemental of his smoking habit.You're better off without him in your life too because you can't handle smokers.Look there is nothing wrong with having deal breakers in friendships as well as romantic relationships, smoking is for you so it's time you moved on. Obviously all the other things he brings to your life are not enough to compensate so he's pretty much worthless to you as a friend anyway, as are you to him because you can't look past this.You both deserve friends more suited to your lives.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 March 2013):
 You got to let people make their own mistakes. If he suddenly wanted to start up a hobby with some extreme sport or other he'd also be risking his life. But people do what they do.. it's just that when people are young they think they are immortal. And you can't make him more mature, or wiser, or smarter, just by telling him so. "Smoking killed the guy that brought me up thats why I'm so against it,"Remind him again, and in detail. Tell the story again. You can get your point across by working on the emotional aspect here. His reasoning and logic are a waste of time, as anyone who thought purely logically wouldn't smoke. Instead put pressure on his emotional side. And then be a good example. You can't ever make people change, but you can be an inspiration.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (19 March 2013):
 you can't be his friend because he smokes? i do understand that you have a bad history with the stuff seeing as how it was linked to a very important person in your life's death. but come on, sweetheart. you're being really unfair. he's his own person and he's allowed to make decisions for himself. you don't have to be thrilled about it, you can even hate it. but it's not remotely your business to judge him for his decisions or give him ultimatums. if he was doing illegal things or harming others, then i could understand. but he's not.how would you feel if you had a best friend who said they could no longer be friends with you over something they didn't personally like? i'm sure it would hurt.i, personally, have never touched cigarettes. never smoked a day in my life. i don't care for them at all, either. a ton of my friends smoke and my significan other does, too. i wish they'd quit. but it's not my business. cigs are legal, and he's of age to buy them. he's not doing anything wrong.i mean, i suppose it's your right to not be friends with him if you want. but i think you'll later really regret your decision and realize you weren't being fair.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 March 2013):
 YOU can't make him quit.
In fact, pestering him about it will only destroy your friendship.
I understand your feelings.
My mother, her sister, and her mother all died from lung cancer. I quit smoking way back in 1995.
My husband smokes. He's addicted. He has tried to quit and he found chantix helpful but it will only work if you WANT TO QUIT. he quit for a while but he's gone back to it... I hate it but he's an adult and he has to make his own decisions and choices.
You have two choices and only two choices
1. learn to live with it and not mention it
or if as you say you can't live with this and can't deal with it
2. end the friendship. i know you will hurt from this because well he's choosing cigarettes over you but that's his choice and not a reflection on you.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 March 2013):
Nicotine is a horrible addiction.... however, it's one that is oh-so insidious.... People, like your friend, start to smoke and, naively, believe that they will be able to stop "at any time".... Who was it, Mark Twain, who said, "To stop smoking is simple. Myself? I've done it at least a dozen times..." And THAT's the rub....
YOU may as well reconcile that the decision to smoke is his and his, alone.... Years from now... when his smoking has taken its toll upon his body... it will serve no purpose to say, "... I told you so..." since HE will be enduring the results of his stupid folly... and the only thing he will then be entitled to is your understanding pity at how stupid he was.....
Good luck.... and don't let this keep you awake nights...
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