A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My first post here. I've been searching the web to get some peace of mind for some months now. Still at it. So here's my story.I'll try and summarize as best as I can.My ex g/f is 5 years my senior. We met 1 year ago and we dated for 5 months. Little did I know was that she had just broken off with a guy whom she dated for 1.5 years. So I was basically the rebound. Didn't know this till later and didn't really care. You can say I was blinded by love. I did everything for her. I love her. Plain and simple. So as I was basically on cloud 9 during our relationship. My eye caught her mobile getting a text from her ex, while we sitting on the dinner table. So later that night, instead of confronting her. I basically invaded her privacy, checked her inbox and there was literally months of messages back and forth, some flirtatious some innocent. you can say my hopes went down the drain, and I started crying and shaking. she woke up and I had to tell her. We had a fight and she basically turned it on me for invading her privacy, which admittedly I did. but she didn't take any responsibility for her texts. and deleted them during the fight. and denied any bad texts, just innocent ones. so about two months later, I had checked her phone twice during that time again. I broke my promise of not doing so, she still didn't find out till this day. Anyway, she was still texting him, as if they were seeing each other daily. and after some time, she broke up with me and asked for space. I didn't fight it or anything, I basically pulled the no contact rule the next day. she flips out, doesn't stop texting me. until one day she texts me saying she's in the hospital. and i had to break my NC for that and finally called her. again she held the NC against me and was furious at how i didn't let her talk to me before. But during this time of NC, she was seeing her ex, to my understanding, my friends told me she was even spending nights over. Even with all that's happening, i still loved and still do love her madly. and still want things to work out, so i stayed in contact, kept some distance and tried to work things out. Then one day she caught me for lying to her. i had several relationships before i had even met her and lied about ever having them. which was bad, i know, i just really wanted this relationship to work and decided to keep it away from her, so that she doesn't think I'm playing her. I've learned my mistakes on that one. She has somewhat forgiven me for that. My issue is, today, after soo many things happening in between, that I haven't even mentioned ( to avoid boring you). she still texts and phones me daily, says she loves me soo much. We still see each other, kiss each other in private and care for each other, had sex twice since the break up, but I don't really care for that. But to this day, she still maintains a relationship with her ex and his friends. but didn't openly date him after me. and still hasn't dated him yet. and I haven't dated anyone yet either. When I ask her for another chance, she says she's not ready, she doesn't know what's happening with her yet (the country were in now, isn't her home country, only here for work and might leave, or move and stay here permanently). She's asked me to be her best friend first, rebuild trust then see what happens. maybe marry someday I don't know. My dilemma is, should I remain friends, talk, text and see each other, to rebuild a trust. While maintaining my own goals in life. or will that create an attraction gap. Or should I tell her this is too hard and I'd rather we go our separate ways. I've never been so confused about anything yet. I know that I love her, I'm willing to make things work, even if she had an affair during our relationship, which according to her texts, she did. and still doesn't admit it. I don't care. I will do anything to make it work. I'm afraid if I back off, time will just separate us and we do actually our own way. something I don't want. although I know I can get a million other girls. I don't want to. HELP me people. would appreciate any comments, questions and suggestions.. I want things to work, I'd rather fix a problem than move away. to me she's worth every sweat and sleepless night.Thank You
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female
reader, malvern  +, writes (20 March 2013):
 Hi again! You really need some time to yourself and so does she. Texting each other all the time isn't really a good idea, it sort of makes the relationship mundane if that's the right word to use. Years ago none of us had mobile phones so when we saw our partners there was always plenty to talk about and I'm sure it kept relationships more exciting. It's the easiest thing in the world to say things on a text when we should really be saying those things face to face. I think your girlfriend is inventing all sorts of excuses for keeping you at arms length. If she really wanted you she'd be eager to be with you all the time. I've been in her situation, I know how her mind is working and believe me you're the one that's going to get hurt I'm afraid.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (20 March 2013):
 Does not matter how you feel about her...the update does NOT change my mind.... YOU need to go no contact and let her go or you will never get over this and you will continue to hurt.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTHANK You ALL for your replies. I appreciate every single one, I haven't shared this with anyone yet, not even my family. Thank you again..To add:Her reason for not getting back as a couple is because she says she doesn't trust me enough yet. Because I've lied about the other relationships and looked at her phone. Which turned out for good reason.I don't trust her either to be honest. She won't admit flirtatious texts that she still gets in her phone till this day, acts like I'm the only one she's interested in, but wont make any promises to me. Makes sure almost every night I get a text which indicated she's in bed, sleeping (for my piece of mind).I love her anyway...Should I remain friends? See if we can rebuild trust on both ends, and see what happens? Or ask for some space myself (as one reader suggested)?To be honest there isn't a day, or hour, or moment that goes by that I don't think of her, (we text all the time too). And from time to time I let her know where I stand with my feelings. We can tell each other all day about how much we love each other, but when I ask for that reconciliation chance, she backs off and says she's not ready. Hope I don't bore you with these facts, but I feel like I have to be fair for both parties and a years relationship/friendship deserves more than a few lines.Thank you
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): I understand exactly how you feel, your in love ...want it to be simple and it's become so complicated. More than anything you need some space, I really think you should tell her you want to meet up in a few weeks, or something and no contact before that time at all.
When you do meet ask her exactly what you want, and work out in your own mind if it doesn't happen could you accept friendship or a clean break, Space and time may make her realise her behaviour isn't fair and just because you love her doesn't mean you can be disrespected.
Yes, it was wrong to go through her phone, but hey, we are all human.
A good relationship doesn't make you feel anxious, insecure or unhappy - and if it isn't good....maybe you deserve better? x
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A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (19 March 2013):
Your girlfriend is still in love with her ex. Her ex doesn't appear to feel the same about her but she's hanging in there 'just in case' there's a chance with him. Sadly you are her second choice. She clearly thinks the world of you but she's keeping you luke warm if it all falls apart with her ex . The best thing to do is walk away from the situation. It may just about kill you do to this but it may eventually work in your favour. It is human nature that when one partner stops showing any interest then the other partner comes running after them. It may just give her the jolt she needs. It may just make her appreciate you more but please don't allow yourself to be 'used' by her anymore.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): sorry for my english first that all...i feel sorry for you...that woman does not deserve you. and she acts like that because she knows you are there for her no matter what..no matter what she does.you need to stand up and let her know you are not a doormat. you are a good man a many woman will give a life to have a man who try and try and try after all that mess to keep that relationship.good luck.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 March 2013):
I'm sorry I only skimmed your question..
she's keeping you on the back burner just in case.
for your own peace of mind and sanity I would end the friendship and go no contact (block her phone, her email and her social media accounts)
you will never heal as long as she dangles friendship in front of you.
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