A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:If you are single or married to a business man please help with this concern of mine.First let me tell you all I have some trust issues that developed earlier on with how my father was with my mom. My mom trusted my dad and when he was out on his grind trying to establish a bank, she never questioned his daily activities. Years later, we found out his weekend rendezvous wasn't really business meetings only, he is now fathering two other children outside of his marriage. This hurt me and made me not only look at him a different way but all men.I was barely 18 when I met my first boyfriend who was much older than me. He was established and wanted to settle down but I wasn't ready so we dated on and off for 8yrs before I called it quit after finding out he withheld a secret from me. During our relationship I only knew that he was a business man that dabbled in all sorts of business but that's all I needed to know.When I got into another relationship two years after our breakup, I started feeling insecure and snooping on my boyfriend because like my ex he was not quite open. I didn't want to be kept in the dark so I snooped everything and violated his privacy. our relationship ended because of this.After this breakup I vowed never to do this again because it really hurt. He got engaged to another woman 8 mths after our breakup. This was supposed to be me. ouch!Well now, my ex of 8yrs is back. He never could move on. He wants to still marry me. He wants to make it right. I want to give him a chance because I still love him and history together proves we just are made for one another.However, my trust issues have kicked in again. I do not trust that I know everything. I have asked and he have told me things but I feel like its not enough and he is not doing much to bring my trust back. He has more than one phone and people have told me this does not matter because he has multiple phones for business. I feel like I should have all these numbers. I feel like he needs to open up to me completely.I am a complete open book. He knows everything about me. I share what goes on at my job with him when I get home and he doesn't. I don't know his business partners or the people he works with. Are most business men closed minded to their partners and not share every details? How should I get him to open up to me more and share everything with me. I feel like I have to know these things in order for me to truly open myself to another serious relationship.Just yesterday he sent me three pics of his Friday hang out with the boys. The first pic had a girl wearing a dress with her butt barely covered. I teased him and said who is the stripper beside you and he completely went off defending her and saying she is sexy and that is a club dress. I guess I just wanted to know if the party he wen to had strippers not that it mattered but it mattered if he did not tell me. Are my questions getting too overbearing? If so, all I need is a complete open man that will not make me to keep asking questions. How do I accomplish this task?
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engaged, insecure, move on, my ex, stripper Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (20 March 2013):
Op - no, what I am saying is when you work 14 hour days the last thing you want to do is come home and talk more about what you've been banging your head over all day. I dont think its fair to make someone do that, nor do I think its fair to spend the short time you have together that day dumping the details on your spouse.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are right Cerberus. I really do want more access to his life. When we met I was quite young and none of that mattered because I was not ready. But now that I am a little more inquisitive about what I am getting into he may just not be used to that.The long distance is the reason why we broke up on and off. He left me to go to the UK to start off his business. So the distance is why we always break up as everything was really going well.I guess I just have to stick to my gun whether he likes it or not. He is a Scorpio and they all act the same way I have noticed. Very secretive and manipulative. He is no womanizer and I trust him with that but everything else seems so dark. I've only met his brother from his mother. It's only two of them from his mom. He warned me to stay away from his steps. His parents are dead. I just don't feel like there is anybody I can turn to, to find out what kind of family I am marrying into. I think with what you all have said. It's better I take my time with this one and get everything I want out there in the open before jumping into a hole I can’t come out of.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): You dated on/off for 8 years OP and then broke up. That's a history of failure to make it work, not a history that you are made for each other.Guess how many times I've broken up with my fiancée? Not once in 7 years. We haven't even needed a break for any reason. I also don't need to know everything about her because I know for definite she'd show me if I asked. OP your situation is simple. You want more access to his life in order to be able to trust him, if he can't give you that then you can't trust him.I have my privacy, my fiancée does too, but I would let her see any of my emails, messages and anything she wants because privacy does not mean hiding anything and I have nothing to hide.Stick to your guns, you need to see these things to feel secure, if he has nothing to hide then what's the problem? It's not like you want to always check his messages and stuff, you just want to be included in a part of his life that is a big part of his life. He either shares his entire life with you or you don't get together with him. It's not a matter of privacy it's knowing what kind of person he is. Let him play James Bond double life with someone else, you need to know what you're getting into. Maybe he's a drug dealer or pimp, maybe he owns strip clubs, maybe he's an evil banker. You need to know if this secret part of his life is something which is unacceptable to you or not. That's not an invasion of privacy unless you want to always have access to everything in his life.
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A
female
reader, Red591 +, writes (19 March 2013):
 There is being private and there is being deceptive. I'm not sure it is just being private here. As far as the stripper comment,that was not a big deal and for him to start complimenting her to you is out of line. I would have just said "this is so and so and no she isn't a stripper lol" he got very defensive from a non threatening text. aside from that, you are very distrustful in nature and you do need to work on that so you don't drive anyone away
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSerpico so its sounds like you all are saying its ok to let a man to be man and not interfere into his business but he knows all of mine. I have one job and unlike him he has multiple. Shouldn't people getting married know all of ones personal business?Yes, I have daddy issues and I am aware of this. Both exes knows this. I have told them that once trust is broken they set me back with helping me work on this daddy issues. My mom never asked my dad what he was up to even when the bank he was establishing was collapsing she heard from outside. He was that type that took care of home but didnt want to bring any burden to the fam. I always told my mom she allowed this to happen. She didnt hold him down cos she was busy concentrating on us. I think if she was in the know and asked questions some of my dads mistake may never had happened.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (19 March 2013):
You can't force someone to open up to you. Being a private person is no indication that they are lying to you.
If you continue treating him as if he's done something wrong, guess what's going to happen?
It's important to learn this lesson: the person you're with is either trustworthy or they're not. No amount of distrust and snooping on your part is going to change that. So until they give you a reason not to trust them you should give them the benefit of the doubt.
If you just can't accept this guy's level of openness, well, maybe you're not meant to be.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (19 March 2013):
 hi
Until you sort out your trust issues for good I don't think you will be able to be in a relationship with any man long term
This one definately doesn't sound like the man for you at all ~ because of his lifestyle,the things he keeps from you,the fact you haven't met his business partners.He is not giving you reasons to trust him,he's doing the opposite.You need reassurance and are getting none - from what you say
Talk to him,tell him what you have said on here.Also consider working on your trust issues
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (19 March 2013):
Ok - a few things.
1 - Not that I blame you, but you have daddy issues. Whether you like it or not, that is coming into your relationships in one way or another. From what you write, it seems you have problems trusting men. Again, not that I blame you, but you need to be aware of it.
2 - If you dont know everything you need to know about your ex after 8 years, you never will.
3 - I am also a businessman. I worked 100+ hours weeks on Wall Street, now I own my own business. Generally, I dont like to bring my work home to my fiancee. For one, I dont think its fair to dump on her, and two, I like having a no-work sanctuary when I get home.
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