A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I feel so down today. I had no one to share it with so I came on here. I guess it's just a couple of things that have got to me. I have been working full time for a year, and this December within 3 days my whole months salary has gone leaving me with £60 remaining for the month due to car breaking down, I'm being conned by the garage. They have my car, and charging me something new everyday. I feel so cut off, not one person is asking me how I feel. If I tell family member they said 'you jus spent that last year and your fixing it again'. It's out of my control I can't afford a new car. No one helps, they jus critise. My mum was complaining about bills at home so I helped and, I set up my card so from now on I can pay for her bills so life is easier.. My girlfriend of 4 years still doesn't have enough money from salary to buy new clothes, or come and see me, I am always helping her. I just sent her £150 to help with xmas shopping, she has family she wants to buy presents for and she can't afford it. These are the same people that never existed when I met her (she was from poor bckground , no one helped her apart from me, they never visited). Gf is amazing person she doesn't ever take my money, only asks when she needs it unless it's Xmas. This made up commercial event. I see her once a week , and spent weekend with her. Since I sent her money, paid bills, paid for car. I cannot see her, she understands and is supportive. But I feel so alone and useless. I'm a very independent person. I will be fine next month but for now I feel useless. Car is mess, I can't even buy my girlfriend anything fancy (I still will try on my credit card). I can't see her. Couple of friends know about the car and their response is 'ah it must suck to be home'. And than I'm thinking: Thanks guys, thank you so much for getting me out for a bit. Nobody wants to even bother unless I'm making full effort. I feel like nobody cares when there is no money, no car on offer, when I have nothing to give I feel sooo alone. And it makes me sad. i can't even buy a winter coat, I can't do any shopping, I just have to work and sleep and not spend money. How depressing in the winter. And it's my brothers birthday. I don't have a penny for him.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 December 2016):
 You are to nice for your own good. You need to man up and learn to say no to your girlfriend. If her friends give you a hard time then I would be questioning why your girlfriend allows them to treat you like that. You are wrong for giving her money to buy presents and leaving yourself broke. You worked hard for that money. If your girlfriend has no money then it is simple no presents. If she was not going out with you what would she do? She should not accept money from you if she knows you are struggling, that does not sound like love to me. What does she do for you? Maybe she needs to get a better job. You need to start looking after yourself.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2016): Thank you so much for all your replies. I enjoyed reading them. I would like to update you. I think the reason I help my mother is she has helped me all her life, she has educated me for years and given me money whenever I struggled up until I got my jobs. Now she is much older so I do like to help. My girlfriend offered to help but im avoiding the subject. she gets paid peanuts, she can just about pay for herself. And i feel good helping her, but I did disagree about giving her money for presents. I mean what the hell is christmas whilst im struggling with money, but it developed into an argument. This month i have have extra outgoings of mine which have made me suffer alot.She gets given presents on her birthday, so she feels like she has to buy them presents on christmas (and theres alot of kids :( If i say anything, her friend makes me look like even more of an idiot, and she like shopping with her friend.Guys tell me if im wrong again. but How i always deal with it, is work harder, train harder, next month I will be back to normal. But I perhaps need to change my personality?If i act selfish and dont share, life is boring, every one around me is just living a vanilla life, getting on that train every morning for work. p.s. car is back - as good as ever
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (4 December 2016):
 You can't pay for everything for everyone when complain you're skint, come on mate use some common sense. Learn to say no, these people have their own money problems the same way you do, it's up to them to pay their own way.
Sounds like youre being taken advantage of because you're allowing it to happen.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (4 December 2016):
 While it's understandable to help your mom out, it's certainly not acceptable to keep sending money to your girlfriend.
You say she's an amazing person and she doesn't ask you for money unless it's Christmas. My point is though, why should she ask you for money at all? That too for her family? Come on, stop being so naive, she's plain and simple fleecing you. Look, if she's your girlfriend then I'm assuming you share your problems with her. She's bound to know about your money problems and yet she's taken £150 from you with no qualms whatsoever. That is a huge amount of money and she had no business asking for it. She's not entitled to your money and you are not obligated to give her anything. If it were a medical emergency then maybe I understand, but to splurge for Christmas... Come on!!
If I have to honest, you don't sound too wise. Grow up, you're a big boy now. You can't whine and indulge in self pity and allow people to walk all over you. Your girlfriend seems to be having the time of her life... She's getting all the perks of being in a relationship and she doesn't even have to make the effort to come and see you!
You seem to think of yourself as good old Santa Claus who's responsible for bringing gifts to everyone, making people happy and spreading joy. Guess what, you're not. You don't need to keep giving and giving with nothing in return. Learn to say no. Learn to put yourself first where necessary. And learn to manage your finances. If you knew that money was tight, then there was no way you should have sent the money to your girlfriend. As the other posters have said, ask for the money back. This might be a good test actually! If she does give you the money back ungrudgingly then great! If not then you know exactly how she is and where your relationship stands.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (3 December 2016):
 Stop paying your mum's bills. I mean it; she's not appreciating it and she's not supportive of you. She needs to get a job or get benefits.
Your girlfriend doesn't need £150 for Christmas either. I don't have that much, so I'm limiting presents to under £5 per person. If she can't afford it, she needs to make it cheap. You can't pay for her too.
OP, you will keep suffering until you stop allowing yourself to be walked over. It's lovely that you want to help out, but don't take financial responsibility for people because you can't afford it.
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A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (3 December 2016):
 I agree with MissKin-I would even ask your girlfriend for the money back. You are in no position to get any non-essentials for anyone, and I would say a coat is essential. Plus 150 is no small amount! Both of you need to look for additional jobs or more hours. I don't know why your family is being so hard on you about the car. Cars break down! Especially over time! But do your best not to be a victim. Take control: you feel you're being conned? Get a second opinion on the car! Ask to stay at a mate's house for a little, just for a little breather from the parents and to reset a budgeting plan for yourself. Look for a higher paying job, or ask for more hours, look for seasonal extra hire work for the holidays. I don't know what kind of town you live in but you should think about free ways you can have fun or de stress. Meditation, go for a run, go to a park, hike, window shop (if you can resist shopping). While you're waiting on your car to be finished, are you stuck having to use your parents' car? Is that why they're frustrated?. See if you can't come together as a family on a budget plan,maybe that initiative will help them feel better about helping you out. Be careful with everyone that you're not being taken advantage of..are you paying parents rent on top of helping with bills?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2016): Your girlfriend should pay for her own presents and your mum should pay her own bills. Of course if you have a bit of spare cash and they're struggling then it's nice to help people out from time to time but not if it bankrupts you in the process. Do you NEED A car? Could you sell your car and just use public transport for a while? Cars are very expensive and if you live in a city then you might not need it. When you have enough saved up you can buy a new one. Do you have a spare room in your house you could rent out for some extra cash. Or a garage or parking space you could rent to someone. Could you ask for some extra hours at work for a while? Most people go through a financial rough patch at some point so try not to let it get you down.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (3 December 2016):
 Yes it's true. You are being over-generous, and then doing 'poor me'.
There might be something else going on too.
Do you suffer from SAD. This is a bad time of year for anyone who has ever had a problem with depression.
If this might be you then you need to take steps to overcome it: a visit to the GP, a daylight lamp, exercise, St John's Wort.
Remember you need to take the steps. No-one is going to wave a magic wand over you. However, that said, once you do start taking control, you will find that help finds its way to you.
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A
female
reader, Cestlavie +, writes (3 December 2016):
I agree with the previous poster. You have to learn how to say no if you ever want to get your head above water. Some people take advantage of your kind heart. It's not fair but you have to stand up for yourself. You may think it's your job as a man to carry the load of your mom and gf when things get tight. But ask yourself, who looks out for you?!
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A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (3 December 2016):
 Sorry. Posted by accident.
I was saying, stop paying for everything for everyone. Stop buying your gfs presents. If she can't afford it that is her problem. You need to look after yourself a bit and you wouldn't feel as down. Don't be guilted into helping everyone. You don't need to pay ALL of your mum's bills, but it's very good of you to help a little. You don't have more money than everybody else so why are you acting like it?
Sorry everything feels rough for you, it's must worse at this time of year. Sometimes we just have to say no. You work hard for your money, don't throw it away on everyone else. Don't buy your gf anything expensive, especially if you've already helped with presents. Christmas is about being together and not about how much money you spend.
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A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (3 December 2016):
Stop paying for everythong
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