A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:So, I'm dating this guy who is a year younger than me. And it's a long distance relationship, where I've never seen him before although we video chat a lot. He is kind, caring and sweet. I sometimes communicate with his favorite cousin, who is older than us.I just wanted to know if it's normal and also if I can trust him.Thanks you :)
View related questions:
cousin, long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 December 2016):
 Sweetie is it not kind of pointless to date a guy that you are more than likely never going to spend quality time with? I mean you are worlds apart therefore how are you going to be together? There is a lot more to dating than video calling each other. Surely you would rather be with someone who you can hang out with as well as date? If I am honest I do think you are much to young to be online dating. There are a lot of crazy people in the world.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (5 December 2016):
 You're very welcome.
And so we're clear, no one here is saying he or his cousin are bad guys. Just that you don't know them so always be cautious.
Best of luck. :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice.
And oh, he doesn't ask for any sexual pictures or any money or personal information or anything in that sort. Nor do I freely give it to him. I've heard you all advice. He is actually nice and a gentleman, and respect me and is also honest to me (so far as I can see it).
And I'm with him because I'm actually a Ghanaian myself and as I said I've lived there before(I recently moved to Europe some years ago), just that I haven't seen him before. ;)
Thanks for your advice you all. :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 December 2016):
 Why would you want to date a guy who lives all the way in Ghana? I mean sure it's great to talk to people around the World but date someone you can't really be with, visit often, spend REAL time with?
Have you told your parents about this guy? Of not, why not?
I totally agree with Ciar. NO giving this guy online personal information. I'd stick to being an online "friend" with him no more than that.
And if he ASKS for "naughty" picture or wants to flirt in a sexual manner, I'd decline. Because you have NO idea with Skype/Facetime if he is recording it.
And don't give him any passwords, money or even your physical address. I'm serious there.
I'd say it's OK to chat and become friends - and I GET that it's EASY to get caught up in the "fantasy" of being bf/gf and visit etc. It can FEEL very real, very intimate in a way, but that can also be a very slippery slope.
Again, have you talked to either of your parents about him?
Lastly, why not look for a guy your own age where YOU live ? To date that is...
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (4 December 2016):
Of course you can't trust him! Either of them!
He's in Ghana and you're in The Netherlands. You're far enough away that he can make up any story he likes and you have no way of verifying it. AND either one of you can be easily distracted by someone closer, someone you can actually go on dates with.
You're 16-17 and he's 15-16. An age that is known for being reckless, self centred and gullible. So, if a classmate or a neighbour catches his eye, he likely won't have the self discipline or consideration to avoid her for long.
You've only been chatting for about 2 months, which is a very short period of time. Refer to my original post.
You cannot trust either of them. This does not mean they're bad people and mean you harm. It means that with limited contact, almost no history, the folly of youth and the tyranny of distance, they have few chances to prove themselves worthy of anything more than polite chit chat.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (4 December 2016):
 Also, OP, two months isn't long enough to develop love or trust online, so be cautious and don't do anything you're not completely sure of.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd I mean if I can trust him in the realtionship(if he really loves) the guy who is a year younger than I am. NOT his cousin.
:)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAndie's thought,
I'm not dating him(his cousin the one who is 23) but rather the guy who is a year younger than me.
We video chat, follow each other on social media's we both use. We also have share the same circle of friends. I not that he is a total stranger but he lives at a place where I used to live. Just that we haven't seen each other before.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (4 December 2016):
Okay, I'll break it down, as I'm in an LDR too and want you to understand that you may not like what I have to say.23 years old is a big gap, so I wouldn't advise talking to him alone.When you say "close enough to his face", does that mean you don't actually see his whole face every time? If you don't, you need to. It's an important part of working towards trust (don't give it straight away), that you always see their face on video chat, not just pictures.2 months is a very short time and you have to be wary of people you meet online. The chances are that you'll never meet in person, so I think it's best to walk away now. Some LDRs look like they have potential to become in-person relationships, but this doesn't, I'm afraid.As for trusting him, I don't think so - not yet, anyway. Never give him your passwords or send him money/gifts, even after more months.Personally, I'd advise letting this one go and finding someone closer to you whom you can meet up with. If you don't, though, just make sure you don't tell him anything private, even if he asks for it, and tell him you need to see his face in video chats - same goes for his cousin.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAndie's thoughts,
Close enough to his face.
About two months now.
23 years, I think.
Yes, he does. Sometimes I video chat with both of them.
Yh. The guy is just a year young and his cousin is like 6years old than I am.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCiar,
Thanks for your advice, it was an oversight. He comes from Ghana. And no I haven't told him any personal stuff. I just want(ed) to know if it was okay for me to date him.
Thanks again.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (4 December 2016):
First, understand that there is a difference between NOT trusting someone and MIStrusting someone.
If I just met you at friend's gathering, we might get to talking and find we have several things in common. I might like you, based on what I have observed, but would I trust you? No. Does that mean you can't be trusted? That you're a bad person who is plotting to do bad things? No. It simply means I don't know you well enough to trust you beyond polite conversation.
Even when trust is earned there are degrees of trust and different areas where we trust more. For example, I might trust a friend to be wise, non judgmental and to keep a confidence, but I may not trust her to return property she borrowed in a timely fashion or in good condition.
Or I might trust other guests at a party not to pull out a gun and shoot me, but I wouldn't trust them with something deeply personal.
We're clear on that?
So, returning to your question about the cousin I will also add my opinion about the guy you're dating. That is, I don't think at this VERY early stage that you can trust either of them.
You haven't met either in person, you haven't observed how they treat others and how others treat them, their friends, their enemies, or how they handle stress and adversity. You don't see them on their bad days, just the good days, for limited periods of time. And you don't know what they're saying to each other when you're not around.
Does this mean they're bad guys out to do you wrong? Of course not. Just that you don't have enough data to lower your guard with them.
I noticed you didn't answer my question about where they were from. I'm not sure if this was a genuine oversight or you've decided it shouldn't matter. Well, it DOES because the farther away he is, the less likely this online thing will amount to anything in real life, and the harder it is for you to fact check. So while he may not intended to hurt you, he'll feel less guilty about deceiving you with a fantasy version of himself. It's a bit like some people in the gaming world, creating a superhero persona with all the attributes they wish they had.
And sadly, there is another consideration. SOME men from SOME cultures view western women as whores, and therefore expendable. Western tv shows that portray casual indiscriminate sex as the norm do little to remedy this.
Sooooo, continue chatting with him, enjoy your conversations, but do not reveal anything personal about yourself or anyone in your life. If you've already done so, don't do it again. Keep it light and don't make any serious commitments. He's just an online guy you're talking to - NOT someone you're dating.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI mean can I trust him, not his cousin.
:)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello Ciar,
I've been dating for about two months now. His cousin is like 23.
Why do think I shouldn't trust him?
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (3 December 2016):
How long have you been 'dating' this guy? How old is the cousin?
What country are they in?
Your answers might change my mind, but my first instinct is not to trust him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (3 December 2016):
Do you see his face on video chat?
How far is the distance?
How long have you been dating?
How do you date each other?
How old is his cousin?
Does he know you talk to his cousin?
As long as it's friendly only and never flirty, as well as he's not much older than you, it should be okay.
...............................
|
