A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don’t know how to deal with the rejection of my best friend.He and I were best friends from 13 until 22. I have always been a good friend to him, been there for him, run to him when he has needed me, and even when he has closed the door on me when I have needed him I forgave him. The problem is, as of last year he moved in with one of his other close friends and ever since, he has dropped me. It has been 5 months since we last saw each other, he has made no effort to contact me or see me. I have called, text left fb messages and he does not reply, for no reason i am of no use in his life anymore. I am finding it so hard to come to terms with the fact that he no longer wants our friendship. I do not understand there is no explanation for him to do this. I am broken by it. All i do is blame myself, I ask myself how can I be that disposable to someone. I snapped and sent him an fb message basically saying he was wrong to do this to me, I used some colourful words as well but I am upset. He just said its a 2 way thing, but it is not true, he has just cut me out.I feel so let down, betrayed even, I told him my secrets, I trusted him. I don’t think I have ever let anything let me hurt me like this. Even when I am work or at the gym or with other people I think of him and ask why. And more often than not tears come to my eyes. I know people will say ‘talk to him’ I have tried, he has made me cry on numerous occasions, but nothing will get through. It is obvious he has moved on from our long friendship, but how do I get over this aching, this horrible hurting, this terrible sense of loss and this strong sense of anger?.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 March 2014):
 This is sad but not incomprehensible.
To begin with, I notice it sounds it always was a bit of a lopsided friendship. You were always there for him, you run to him when he needed you- and when you needed him, he closed the door on you; but you forgave him and resumed like nothing had happened. Nice and generous , but... it suggests that you already were on an uneven keel emotionally, and that more than being equals in your relationship, you have done a bit of " mothering " to him. And of course , when kids grow up- they need mom much less and are keen to cut the emotional apron strings and start out on their own...
Second, the age range. From 13 to 22 people may change a lot in goals pursuits and interests, it's really like a lifetime. You were friends with a child first, then with a goofy teenager , now he is a man . Not only being as thick as thieves and having one privileged confident and bosom buddy is more important for teens than for adults , but quite simply he might have just lost interest , seen less compatibility between you as a lamentable yet natural development. Not all friends are for life, some are just meant to accompany us for just a part of our life path. People may drift apart without that anybody has done anything wrong or bad , it just happens. Like maybe the books or games or movies that you loved when you were 15 or 18 now appeal you much less, it's not that they were wrong, it's just that you have evolved and changed.
Lastly, he is a young man now, at an age when a best female buddy-buddy may even cramp his style. He might be playing the field , having fun with girls, experimenting, - or, au contraire , be looking for, or having met, a SO for a serious relationship. It's clear that spending lots of one-on-one time with his old female friend is much less necessary, in fact it can be counter effective for him. People may think he is not single and available if he hangs out with you, and that's not the message he wants to send. Or else, he may be seeing some girl, some romantic interest who inevitably will also assolve the functions of primary best female friends. All this is of no comfort to you, I imagine- you still miss him. I know, I just wanted to point out how what happened is less weird or unjust than you think. Not all childhood and teenhood years freindships are born to last, in fact they tend to be very transitional, to assolve their function for a period, past which people naturally moves on to other things and persons, expand their horizons. It could have happened exactly the same to you first than him , and now he would be the one feeling left out in the cold.
He was not " wrong " to do this to you- you cannot mandate obligatory friendship, either you feel the wish and need to have that X person in your life , or you don't, and it is useless ( and condescending ) pretending otherwise. And I also hope you are not playing the card of the " after all I have done for you.... " , it will not work, in fact it is a surefire way to push people off . What you did for him- the help, the listening , the running to him to assist with his problems - you did it for YOURSELF, because you wanted to, because it gave you comfort and pleasure to be there for him, because it responded to an impulse of your heart, because it gave you satisfaction knowing that you were helping your friend.
Only give if there are no strings attached, now you are tryng to cash in, in change of your affection and devotion, which should be a FREE gift- and he balks of course. Let it go- let HIM go. You know the old cliche' " If you love somebody set him free... "? It's a cliche' but it is true, it's not pushing and prodding and demanding and insisting that you can resurrect extinct feelings. Accept that he has moved on, and re-evaluate what this friendship actually was about/ has given to you.
Personally, I am a bit skeptical, friendship , like love, it should make you feel good, not bad, - it should make you feel better, not worse. You talk about snapping, colorfoul words, lots of tears .... all stuff that has not much to do with genuine, healthy friendship .
Perhaps it's all for the best, maybe his final turning his back to you has freed you now, has freed emotional energies , time and feelings that you were spending inappropriately and excessively over him.
I understand the sting of feeling rejected, we all have an ego and nobody likes to be told , basically, I don't find you that interesting anymore. But... it's just ego. It has nothing to do with being " disposable ", try not to take it so personally as a personal attack on you. You were, are and will be important or paramount , to several different people in your life. Only, not for all them it will last forever - that's just how things go and it's no reflection on you or your merits ( in fact, probably you will be doing exactly the same to someone else, maybe without even noticing ).
A
female
reader, Sensible Alice  +, writes (3 March 2014):
 It's really hurtful when long time friends do that, huh? I've had the same thing happen to me recently, when a male friend I'd had since my teens got a girlfriend and shut me completely out of his life. I don't think there's any way to get around it other than accept that they have moved on, however hurtful and thoughtless their actions seem to us. But it is not easy to forget them. I still get sad when I remember the fun times we'd had and how I could tell him absolutely anything. I even have dreams of him sometimes. I guess it is all part of the grieving process. You will eventually stop feeling so angry and let down and new friends will come along. They won't be able to take the place in your heart you have for him, but they might just help heal it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2014): I'm trying to think what would help out here. When I first read your post I didn't notice that you are female and your friend is male, so I am trying to take that into account too.I'm afraid I have rejected people in a similar way. Two occasions spring to mind. The first was when I was much younger - early twenties - and someone at college was incredibly - I mean incredibly - needy and I had not yet learned how to put up good limits and boundaries. In the end I just found her anger and her neediness overwhelming and couldn't cope. I just completely backed off rather than have to try to explain to her - by that time I was worn out by her and I actually resented having the further 'work' of having to try to explain to someone something that they clearly didn't understand at all, otherwise they'd have never used me like that in the first place - she mistook 'friend' for counsellor/mother/something to generally dump her feelings and needs on to at any time. I felt awful about it, but I also had no idea how to escape from the pressure of her.The second occasion was much later - a long standing friendship with a similar pattern. Except that a mutual friend warned me that the friend in question had publicly given out VERY personal information about me to others, including complete strangers, in a party situation. Not vindictively I don't think, but because this person had no other real friends she just was not socialised in the sense of understanding boundaries. Because this had happened so many times before with her as well as other very strange behaviour and again, her anger including when I didn't deliver up the goods in terms of acting as unpaid counsellor - that I gave up. With this woman I had tried and tried countless times to explain to her about privacy etc and I had honestly gone so far out of my way to help her - she had an incredibly resistant character and it took years and years to get her to see the sense in returning to college rather than spend her time literally in a fantasy world in which she did absolutely nothing. She also would absolutely undermine me, was a nightmare in a group setting - really clinging to me and/or being over flirtatious with any man who was clearly interested in me rather than her - and also being ridiculously flirtatious with my boyfriend - I mean to the point of sitting on the floor with her skirt up so that he could see her knickers 'by accident' and so on. It just got way too complicated and too much.Both women had no other real friends and I felt bad - but their behaviour was partly caused by them not developing other friendships and I just became exhausted. It was my fault, I suppose, for not spotting at a much earlier stage that they both had a huge amount of problems - I was trying to be a good friend and to help them. Nowadays I am much more careful about boundaries in friendships.It could be that your friend is experiencing something similar. Your devastation - and your inability to move on from it, I completely understand, I realise how much it must hurt. But it also suggests maybe an emptiness to your life now that they are not there. And the emptiness is maybe what was the problem all along but you couldn't see it? ie. you were needy in ways that he grew up with, but found impossible to grow away from becuase you clung on. Your 'forgiveness' when he wasn't there for you in the past indicates he was maybe trying to put some new boundaries in the friendship and, by 'forgiving' him you simply wanted things to go back to square one - he maybe relented because he felt bad but actually wanted the friendship to really change.another possibility is that he either has or wants to develop intimate relationships with women and he is trying to be very clear in his own mind about where you stand in his emotions and in his life. It might be the only way that he can start to understand this for himself - a bit like having to clear out a room or a cupboard before you can decide what should be put in it. I really do feel your pain - I've had similar experiences but not from male friends, only female. But the amount of pain you feel, and the length of time it goes on, can be an indicator that other things are not right in your life - you could be depressed for other reasons that you can't see and are focusing only on this issue as the cause or the reason, when it may just be an indicator of other things wrong with your life personally rather than just in your friendship with him.
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (31 January 2014):
 That doesn't make much sense. Has he started seeing someone who possibly is controlling him and making him not speak to you?
It's odd for a friendship of so many years to just disappear like that for no reason at all. Is it possible he's started doing drugs or heavy drinking? Anything that he would be ashamed to let you know about? Did you ever get too clingy or needy as a friend? Were you pushy in any way at all that would constitute him being fed up and distancing himself? Nagging or anything of that sort?
The person you are when you're 13 versus the person you are when you're 22 is quite different. Maybe you two have just run your course as friends and now it's time to part ways and say your goodbyes. it's sad and it's hard, I know. but I truly believe that the people we have in our lives are there for a reason during the particular time we know them. I believe everything happens for a reason. He was a part of your life during that time in your life to help you grow and be a support network. now it's time for you both to go your own ways and find new people to be those support networks.
I'm sorry he's done this without giving you a reason as to why. you deserve an explanation at the very least. But keep your head up. You will be okay in the end.
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