A
male
age
36-40,
*eartbrokendunowhattodo
writes: My ex and I were together for 4 years, I had the best time in my life with her she was my everything, the only person i trusted completely without a doubt.27/11/08 she text me while I was at work to say that she had been thinking about our future and that we needed to talk, I knew were this was heading. later that day I called her, she told me that she thought we shouldnt be together, because we come from very different families and our cultural and religous beliefs are not the same.I hated the thought of it, but I thought maybe it is for the best, so we wouldnt have to deal with the drama later in life. we kept in touch by text and the occasional phone call. but slowly she startd getting distant not texting back, not answering phone calls, I had always hoped that we could work out the difference and be together because I wanted to be with her for life.I got desperate not knowing what was going on and turned up to her knew place she had moved to, I met her but didnt get the response I was hoping for, she wasnt happy that I showed up, and told me that she had cheated on me. not sleeping around, but had hooked up with another guy 2 weeks before she broke up with me.and that she cant be with me even though she loved me because she liked this other guy. I felt so betrayed, that she could do this to me.I've been depressed for months now, not being able to go out with my friends or have any enjoyment because she's on my mind 24/7, I'm always wondering what she's doing, and how I miss her. Im not the kind of guy who cries, but I been crying so almost every other day, because I miss what we had.as the months go by it doesnt seem to get better I still love her and wanna be with her, but after two months she told me that she had started to see someone, to my horror she's with that guy that she cheated on me with. I begged her to come back and not to forget our love. and we've been apart for 6 and half months now, I've been trying as best as I could to get her back, I love her so much but I dont think she feels the same way, she told me that she loves me and misses me and thinks of me all the time but she's not in love anymore.Yesterday she emailed me, to say that she would like to be friends, but that I needed to know something, she's 3months pregnant with his baby, and she couldnt kill it so now she's gonna have his baby and is moving in with him. that means she was having sex with him 2-3months after our break up, how could she forget me so easily? Im in so much pain, Im devastated that while I was sitting at home depressed thinking about her, she was out having unprotected sex with this guy.how could everything we had just turn to shit, within 6 months, I have absolutely no hope of ever getting her back now, all my hopes and dreams of being with her forever are gone as though they never existed.Besides my heartbreak and pain, I cry for her now because I know what a beautiful person she is, and how smart she is, how could she do something so stupid? she's at university at the moment studying law, and no with the baby on the way she'll never finish university, and she will be relying on this guy who has no education, working in a minimum wage job. I wouldve given her everything, and looked after her, made her my wife and given her everything of the best.I dont know how to get on with my life, I hate that guy, I could beat the shit outa him but it wont do any good. why is this happening to me, I gave her nothing but love and was always patient with her. she damaged me now I cant trust anyone, I dont think I could love anyone.I just wish I could end it all, I wish I would wake up and realise this is all a bad dream, but trust me I've slapped myself and this is all too real
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at work, broke up, cheated on me, depressed, move on, my ex, text, university, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2009): I'm in the same situation as you brother. 7 years we were together, and she was my fiance. She walked in one day out of the blue looked at me and said it was over, and she doesn't want to marry me. Put the ring on the table and walked out. I got somewhat of an explanation a few days later. It's been about 3 weeks and I'm doing my best to get over this. It hurts right in my stomach when I think of her, but I tried to keep occupied.I hear that she's been going out non stop, wants to get an apartment with her wild cousin ( who in my opinion, instigated our break up ). It hurts bad, but there's nothing I could do. I'm not going to call or text or anything, this is her problem now, she's not financially stable right now at all, and has loans out the ass, and can barely pay her car payment. Best thing I've thought about was litterally say to myself "This is her problem, not mine." I gave her everything and anything she ever asked me for. Helped her financially when she needed it. Helped her family when they needed it. Our familys were close. Some, not all, of her family are outright disgusted, some are pushing her to keep going out. So I learned fast.... Nothing I could do, but hope to meet the right person for me, and I hope that happens to you too...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2009): Think of this:
She's lost someone who loved her,
and you've lost someone who does not love you anymore.
It's her loss.
By optimistic. (:
You've a good man, move on from her.
-Lea
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A
male
reader, lionelhutz  +, writes (18 July 2009):
I know how hard this must feel but in the end the past is the past and you can only move forward or sit still and continue to hurt for something you can't change.Who knows why this happened. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe it was right for you but at this moment it wasn't right for her. In the end she made her choices and must follow them. But so should you. Get out. See your friends, go to movies, take up a hobby, travel, anything but keep yourself occupied. Live your life just as she's chosen to move on and live hers. Red Green was right. Staying friends can seem like a good idea but unless she's your next door neighbor or someone you have to see everyday, you should put her out of your life. Talking with her will only conjure up all the hurtful emotions you're going through right now. I just went through a bad breakup thought I would never recover. I tried everything I could think of to win her back. But a very great Agony Aunt here talked to me and made me realize sometimes you can give your everything to someone and for whatever reason, it still will not work out. Don't fault yourself. If it was meant to be it will be. But always remember, we all deserve to be happy. And so do you. It will take time but one day you'll be happy again and you will find someone who deserves a good guy like you. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2009): I am speechless to have read your post. And I even thought there's nothing worst than what I feel right now. I am also experiencing the pains of breaking up.
I have posted so many times, have PMed so many aunts about my situation and I am so thankful for their advises. Have started friendships too with people also in the same situation and we discuss our feelings and encourage each other to move on. Yet at the end of the day, you are still alone to face your feelings and you wake up finding the same.
The bottom line is, advises will help to encourage us, convince us to be stronger and help us to get our feelings out of our chest as we pretend in the real world that we are ok and no one sees us cry. But unless we help ourselves, we really cannot move on.
Help yourself. No matter how hard it is, do it for yourself. For sure you do not want to find yourself still feeling the same pain and suffering after another year. Start now.
It is not the end of the world. You are still young and you have a lot of girls to meet in the future. You have a whole life ahead of you.
Before I forget and as I have read in some replies here, I just want to share too that I have a brother who has exactly the same story as you. Gf of 4 years who cheated on him with my brother's bestest friend!! Imagine that. My brother was depressed and we were all scared he would kill himself. He was a very good person who did not deserve this.
But we underestimated my brother. After about 5 months, he has moved on. And now he is happily married. When I discussed with him about my break-up and asked what he did. He said, he prayed and prayed and prayed. Before he got married, the ex contacted him again but he ignored her. I asked honestly him how he feels and he said, he remembers the girl but doesn't remember the feeling anymore. And to be honest, the ex is nothing compared to his wife. Everyone agrees.
Anyway, sorry for the long letter. This is just to let you know that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. God may close all doors but he opens a window.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2009): This story is sad as hell. I really can't imagine what you're going through right now.
But it's not the fault of this other guy. It's her. She's an adult. She proceeded with every step of this breakup and sex and pregnancy and relationship with him on her own.
As you get older and see more of life, it will continually depress you how many great girls waste themselves on the worst guys that they can find. It hurts to see it sometimes but the decisions they make are THEIRS.
You need to get a more three dimensional view of this girl. The girl you knew didn't get hijacked by this evil other guy. The girl went out, chose him, and climbed onto him herself. Don't forget this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2009): Hello there this must be a really hard time for you and I am so sorry to read about your broken heart. Definitely a huge learning curve for you, and I will admit right away that I have no answers for you and it is very hard to understand how a person like her was thinking when she did the things she did. But it is obvious that you need to move on and you need to start doing things you love. You need a lot of healing and support that is also obvious and the only thing that comes to mind is to start praying about what happened. She may not love you the way she used to but God will always love you and if you feel depressed and sad and lonely I hope you may find comfort in him. He loves you always, and has a plan for you, this may seem like your life is over but whenever a door gets closed there is always an open window!
There are great things to come for you so I pray that you can learn how to stop dwelling on the past. She has chosen the life she is living and she will have to deal with it now and there is nothing left for you to do but try your very best to look forward to your future and not ruin any opportunites because of a failed relationship. Everyone gets disappointed, I am in the middle of a breakup myself right now and it is so easy to dwell on the past and the wonderful feelings that I once had and I am struggling with it every day. It was so perfect and now eveyrthing has changed so I can sort of relate to how you are feeling. In your heart I'm sure you must know that you cannot fix things. You will not get your life with her back she sounds like she has changed too much. Pray for guidance and a closure to this situation. You can find happiness again!
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A
female
reader, holmar +, writes (18 July 2009):
Please don't do anything harsh. I know you hurt. Please focus on the things in the relationship that did not work. First of all, she is NOT perfect. She cheated on you. She treated you poorly. You deserve someone who wants you. You sound like a very good and caring person, someone who will make someone who is appreciative of you a wonderful husband. I know it feels like this pain will never end, but it will. Do you believe in God? First pray to God that he will help you. Know that even if you don't feel loved by her, that God loves you and he is right by your side. Also, if you believe in God, know that you can trust him. There is a reason this did not work, and there is a reason you are here. He has other plans for you. You are valuable and you are kind. That is something this world needs more of. There is a plan, and there is someone out there for you, you just haven't met her yet. You could have children and a wife in your future, and if you did something, you would never know. The thing is, trust that this is going to be ok. Time heals. Do not do anything to yourself. If you feel like you have to do that, then get out a calendar. Look at the date, and mark 6 months from that day. Give yourself 6 months of doing everything you can to help yourself feel better, and then when that six month mark comes, re evaluate the situation. What is the hurry? There is no reason you would have to do that right away. Give yourself time to heal. During that 6 months, if you start to think about her, remind yourself of the bad things, remind yourself that you deserve better. You do. You have a lot to offer and it seems like good morals and values, and there aren't a lot of men like that. Hold your head up high and know that you are loved, you can trust God, that it's going to work out, and that you are a worthy and deserving person, and you didn't deserve to be treated like that. Look in the mirror every day and remind yourself when you wake up, "I am going to hold my head up high. I am smart, moral, a GOOD MAN, handsome, worthy of respect" and act like you feel that. Then get involved at your church, get involved with your friends, join a support group where you can have someone to talk too, take a walk for 1/2 hour each day. Help others if you can-volunteer, even write some answers on here, and after that, then re evaluate in 6 months. But you HAVE to force yourself to get out and involved, even if you don't feel like it...you can even join a singles group, where they go on various trips and activities. Just get out there, so your not alone. And you know what? You didn't deserve that. You are a good person. You deserve the best, and your going to get it, just keep going. Are you a fighter or do you just give up? Fight, conquer. Don't EVER give up. You don't know whats around the corner...and I promise you, if you do these things, and pray..you will get better. You deserve to be with someone who values you. Don't ever settle. You have too much to offer and you have a purpose in life. You need to stick around to find it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2009): such things happen all the time and to all of us. you will get over it.find yourself another girl and try to get on with it.this is all a part of growing up.
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (18 July 2009):
Sorry for all the pain and drama. The pain will fade in time, although it certainly does not feel that way now. I've been there, and it sucks. However, the best way to start the healing process is to let her go. Staying freinds, while it may appear to minimize the pain, will actually prolong it - this is an open wound that needs to heal, and the only way for that to happen is for the two of you to NOT try to remain friends. Girls sometimes try to make this move in the belief that they're actually helping, however the move is hurtful because we guys will hold out hope that one day things will change and we'll elect to NOT move on. As painful as it is, wish her well, and say good by.
She's gotten herself into quite a mess, and as nice a person as she might have been, you need to cut all ties and let her go. She needs to build a life with her baby's daddy, and you with someone who can focus 100% on you. Find a woman who doesn't have kids - and who doesn't have the kids dad(s) in tow. It's a major pain to date a woman who has to interact with an ex while she's in a relationship with you.
You'll be able to trust again - to find laugher and to fall in love, but until you get her out of your life you'll be held back. I've been there, it's painful, but life will get great again - and you'll meet someone specail. It took me 18 months, but it happened and now I'm married and it's 10X better than before...!
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