A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i broke off with this girl because i wasnt sure abt my feelings...i dont see her or love her in romantic way but as a bestest friend or buddy with whom i love to be all the time..i am so heartsick after dumping her and her memories take my breathe away ..im not sure abt my feelings :(((( im on the verge of losing my mind and crying loud thinking about this day and night!! i posted this question atleast 10 times but m not satisfied with responses ..this is for the last time ..is it advisable to go back to her ? my sense of reality is affected and i cant decide! please help :(when im close to her i regret it and feel she isnt the one (to be frank i am not attracted to her looks please dont get me wrong) i dont wana gamble with my life as this time i go back i'l have to force myself to love her THAT way...but if m far away i feel the insecurity of losing the true love(maybe) ..i dont wana hurt her again by experimenting! i care for her a lot!*i always felt reluctant to give her the physical closure what does it indicate?* she always expected from me to stand by our love but i took her for granted! :(( i feel so guilty and miss her!
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female
reader, advice needed  +, writes (18 July 2009):
 I read your post and relates to me a lot with my ex. Personally i think you think of her as a friend and you feel strong feelings maybe as sisterly love.
If your losing your mind over it, Maybe there is something you need to tell her or you need to let her know exactly how you feel. If i was you, I'd sit down and have a friendly one to one heart to heart about it. In that way you won't have the risk of breaking her heart.
But in my perspective from what i've read it look like you really do want her in your life but maybe not in that sort of way. With my ex i missed him to bits but i missed him because he kept me on the straight path and stopped me from getting into trouble and protected me. So maybe she is doing the best for you and you just miss it! Seriously, take my advice and sit down and have a heart to heart with her about it. It will really help.
Good luck fella and i hope it all works out for you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2009): Well, yeah..i have read about your post so many times and I even put it on my watched list as I empathize with how you are feeling now. It is indeed very difficult to be in your situation. I have read Holmars answer to this and I agree with her.
You know, you are not alone in feeling this way. I myself was in this situation not long ago. It is pretty confusing. You love being with this person but then you don't feel the spark, is not attracted or his/her presence doesn't motivate you at all. If that is so you are not attracted to her, can't you just be there as her friend? Will she agree to that? It's very clear you don't want her out of your life totally.
Another thing, you should decide which one is more stronger. When you are with her, is the feeling that you are not attracted to her and that she is not the one driving you crazy too? Is it as intense as when you feel lost when you break up with her? You will know which one is more stronger and this one you should follow.
Also, how many relationships have you had before? If this is the first, then it will be your first time to experience this and the feeling is new...you don't know how to handle it yet.
I am sorry I don't have the solution to this but only the suggestions above for you to evaluate yourself.
Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, holmar +, writes (18 July 2009):
Ok, last one to consider, is it her that you miss or are you just lonely? Do you have other friends that you can hang out with or was it just her? If you feel that you don't like to be alone, then that wouldn't be fair to her. Have you ever been without a relationship for very long once you started really dating? If not, you may want to look at that too. If that is the case, find things to occupy your time, such as spending time with friends, joining some groups, hobbies, whatever you like to do, and focus on just being by yourself for a while. Anyway, these are 3 different scenarios. I hope this helps you. It sucks to be in this sort of situation. I have been there (and I am there actually) myself. Except I am on the receiving end, and he isn't sure. But it's not physical, it's other things. But, good luck.
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A
female
reader, holmar +, writes (18 July 2009):
If this is a pattern, and you fear becoming close to her, then leaving would be the last thing you would want to do. When you have a fear, such as intimacy, you will not get past it until you stay long enough to overcome that fear. Eventually you will, but you will question yourself for a long time. You have to tell yourself when that comes up, that it's your fear of being close and try to put it aside for the moment, and whatever you do, don't act on it. Also, IF this is your problem, let her know you have this fear, so when you start to feel that way, you can tell her, and she can give you some space. If you look at general phobias, for example, and this is kind of like that, you do something called desensitization. For example. Some people are afraid to go into supermarkets. So they do it really slowly. You get ss close to the supermarket as you can and when they start to feel like they can't take much more, you stop..right there. Take it all in, then leave. You do that over and over until that person is eventually able to go all the way into the supermarket, and so on. So, IF this is a pattern, you would need to stay with it, and work on facing the fear, but like I said, you would need to tell her your feeling that way, and she would need to accept that and give you some space. I don't know if this is a pattern or you simply just aren't attracted to her. But, you said you hadn't really got the answer you were looking for, so I thought you might want a little different answer. IF this is true, I have no idea, then you STILL need to see a counselor. Good Luck
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A
female
reader, holmar +, writes (18 July 2009):
What would make her attractive to you? Is it something she can do something about or is it not? If not, I think you should let her go. Eventually you will find someone you are attracted to and that you connect with on an emotional level just as much as her, even if it seems like you won't, as well as a physical level. There are a lot of people out there. The thing is, if you stay with her, then meet that person later...the one that knocks your socks off and your emotionally connected to also, then you may either leave her, or wish that you had and stay and regret it for the rest of your life. Also, like I said, if it's something like attractiveness, and she can do something about that easily, like dress up or something, then you could probably get that into a conversation, by saying something like "You know, I really love it when you wear your hair like that", or "it really turns me on when you do...whatever it is". But if it's not something she can help, then don't settle.
Also, look at yourself too. Have you been in relationships in the past where you were initially attracted to them and then later as you got closer you started to find flaws in them which turned you off? If this is a pattern, then I don't think you should necessarily leave. It could be you have a fear of intimacy and need to see a counselor about it.
Hard decision. Good luck.
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