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female
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anonymous
writes: Is it really possible for a guy to be truly in love and yet want to end a relationship? Or does his decision to end the relationship invariably mean that he just doesn't care about her enough?My ex isn't a liar - he won't say something that isn't true, particularly about how he feels, although he often will just not say anything. He's surprisingly good at being vague. We dated for almost a year, and he told me repeatedly that he knew he'd never find anyone as good for him as me, that he'd never find a girl he could love as much as he could love me. It took him 11 months to tell me he loved me. For the last 4-5 months of the relationship, things weren't good. He had a lot of stuff going on in his professional life that had him really unhappy, and he had a tendency to channel that unhappiness into our relationship, finding ways to blame me for it. So he was mad at me a lot, often when I really hadn't done anything. Since he was so often upset with me, he didn't want to tell me he loved me (he's never been in love before), and I sure wasn't going to be the one to say it and add pressure to the situation. He talked about breaking up several times in those few months, but he always changed his mind about it within a day. I figured he was just hurting (the guy was clearly clinically depressed). He was never mean or abusive, and I figured people are allowed to be a little impossible with the ones they love when they're feeling awful. Who else would put up with it, right?Anyway, he finally told me he loved me about 4 weeks ago. He said he'd known he loved me for a long time, and that was why things had been so hard. He just hadn't wanted to say it, bc things had been so rough. A week later, he got upset about his career again and in an instant decided he couldn't feel good about himself while he was dating me, so we had to break up. Since he'd acted out before and not really meant it, I asked him point-blank if he was sure, or if we were going to get back together. He said no, and I believed him. A week went by, and then he did want to get back together. That lasted a day, until he got upset again, and then it was over. But he keeps saying he really hopes we can stay friends - that I'm really important to him. So now it's been 2 weeks (3 weeks since the first break-up), and I'm just trying to figure out: Is this guy for real?My gut says yes - he's really insecure, kind of immature (never been in a real relationship, even though he's almost 25) and he's got real hang-ups that have nothing to do with me. So he means what he says about wanting to stay friends.But then I get these doubts. When I've dated someone seriously and wanted to break up, it was because I just didn't want to be dating them anymore - I wanted to see what else was out there; they weren't for me, and I knew it. I told them I wanted to stay friends, but that was more to assuage my own guilt I think than to actually maintain a relationship with them. The whole point of breaking up was to insert some distance between us. Part of me wonders whether that's what's really going on with my ex. We've talked a few times in the last couple of weeks; a few days ago he came over and hung out from about 11 until 4:30 in the morning, just chatting it up. So he must have been having a good time, right? I mean, if what he really wanted was to get away from me, why would he come over for such a long time, so late, especially when I know he had stuff to do the next day. I have to see him every day in a classroom setting, and I don't know how to act around him. Am I supposed to pretend there was never anything romantic between us and just act like we're best friends, the way we were before we dated? Am I supposed to ignore him as much as possible? Is it something in between? I'm not used to the concept of "staying friends" after a break-up, but then, nothing about this break-up seems normal to me. And either way, how on earth do I get over this guy when he's constantly in front of me? It's not possible for me not to be around him; I'll see him basically every day, including most weekends. There's no way around that. So what do I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, shortandsweet408 +, writes (3 February 2006):
 I think you should ask him all the questions you asked me. If you are having a good time with him then keep seeing him! Trust your instinct, if you have a bad feeling back off. If you feel safe like this, then continue. Do what makes you happy. To me, you have the best of both worlds, you get to spend time with someone you care for (and obviously cares for you but is confused) and you get time to yourself. You can't say there aren't things you need to do on your own... so get out there and do what YOU want to. Just make sure that if you two continue some sort of "relationship" besides friends you can COMMUNICATE about everything going on between you. But listen to his words... if he doesn't want to be with you again... you need to start to move on. Keep me posted!
A
female
reader, Virginiaac +, writes (3 February 2006):
You already know the answer. Deep down, you know. You know you need to get away, ditch him and find someone who will love and cherish you.
Go out there and grab life, take it by the throat and enjoy yourself. Dump the failure, get yourself a success and stop being what so many women have been through the centuries, a doormat. You deserve better. Think that to yourself all the time, that is how you will get through it. Having a man in tow is no key to happiness. A budgie might help though.
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