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female
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anonymous
writes: hello all,You will be sick of me by now. Is it too much to want to be a strong independent woman? Why cant i get out of this relationship?My boyfriend is mentally and sexually abusing me and instead of getting rid of him and being truly happy i allow myself and daughter to suffer. I'm getting proper help and my friend and family can see whats happening.I am so frustrated with myself they are getting angry with me and saying im going to have to put up or shut up if i dont get rid of him they have give me all the advice they can. However, i remain optamistic.What can i do with the frustration i feel? This has been going on for 8 years. The strange thing is that the abuse has had to be pointed out to me by doctors i think it may be an exaggeration on their part.sometimes i think on my part but im not 100% sure anymore. advice really needed would be grateful for ANY help thanks XX Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2006): Hi there
Everyone who is telling this lady to get a backbone, stop being so damn unsupportive as you don't have a bloody clue. Your days are spent shopping, cooking, working, etc., hers are spent SURVIVING, and she has barely enough energy to think, let alone leave.
Incidentally the most dangerous time for a lady in this situation is when she is leaving, she is right to be scared, and it is really important to seek help from Womens Aid if you plan to leave, plenty of women are KILLED by their partners when they try, so do it safely and with support, have a friend there with you not just you and him.
I know how hard it is because I am in a similar situation. I still have my car packed and can't say what the hell it is stopping me from actually going, fear of poverty, exhaustion, lack of belief in something better, at least now I have hope of leaving..... my friends are similar to yours and even women's aid have now said they can't keep supporting me unless I take some concrete steps towards leaving, their frustration, while I can understand it, means Im feeling completely alone and even more afraid to take that step.
Perhaps the most helpful thing someone said to me was by a woman who'd left her Partner (I have left twice before and was going back to him again when I met her, even though I knew he hadn't changed, but I missed my home, our business etc., its not easy going from your own home to living in a shared house).
She said its all about taking small steps, it took her a few times too, and she didnt find it easy either. It IS hard, very hard for everyone in our sitation and truth is not everyone leaves. It isn't that easy and leave or stay you deserve support and unconditional friendship, he is the bully not you, no-one would tell a bullied child to just leave the school. You may not be ready now, but one day you will be, you dont need to judge yourself in the meantime. I will be ready one day too, even if I go and unpack my car now.
Until then just keep telling yourself how nice you are (Ive never met an abused woman who wasnt), how strong you are, keep noticing all your good qualities. For those who think you need a backbone and think abused women are weak, think about what a survivor you've been, coping with all this on a daily basis and despite all the put downs you've still coped, its the fact that we are strong copers, easily adapted to surviving trauma thats kept us there, we haven't 'needed' freedom enough to escape because we HAVE coped.
We do all however deserve better than the worst we can stand. Its amazing what some people can and do cope with, one day I hope both of us no longer have to.
Good luck and many blessings. Lisa
A
female
reader, karenw61 +, writes (22 July 2006):
hey there
you know whats going on look after your child and your self you deserve so much more than you are getting but you are the only one that can ask for it get a back bone and go for it girl friend
regards Karen
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A
female
reader, bonym  +, writes (13 May 2006):
 My dear, I believe the problem you are having is that you dont value yourself the way you should. You feel as though you should be punished and you are allowing this brute to treat you so very badly. If it has been going on for 8 years, think about it, there are 365 days in a year and over 8 years think of all the days that is that you have been going through all this grief. You dont have to put up with this at all, its not good for you or your daughter. Its not healthy and its not right. You need to concentrate on your daughter and yourself and get as far away from this animal as possible. I sincerely hope that all goes well for you and please, please, please dont allow yourself to suffer. xXx
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A
female
reader, Aunt Audrey +, writes (12 May 2006):
 What is it that keeps you in the relationship when you openly admit to being abused? Are you hoping by some miracle you will wake up one day to find he's changed? Is it the fear that if you leave he will never leave you in peace because of the child you have together, do you feel it's easier to stay put than face the reaction and aftermath of leaving him?
If so there is a pattern here if you only see it, you're afraid to stay because of the abuse, afraid to leave because of the consequences, you are living your life in the shadow of fear, but for your child's sake you must get out of the relationship and save yourself so you can consentrate on raising your daughter in a normal enviroment.
Your friends and family are probably frustrated, they are more than likely fed up with the fact you still suffer the same abuse, but seem to be unwilling to change the situation, they see things differently to you as they don't have the emotional attachment. It is not easy leaving a partner, even an abusive one, you will always try to see some good in him even if there's none to be found, but at some point for the sake of your daughter you have to see the situation as it really is, and get the hell out of it!
Once you make the decision to leave and see it through, and have the courage to go on with your life without him, believe me you will wonder what took you so long, don't waste your life on this sort of relationship, everyone deserves to be happy, and as others have said if you can't do it for yourself then do it for your daughter.
I wish you well, good luck!
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A
female
reader, Clarey +, writes (12 May 2006):
 Half of the problem is not believing yourself, which is a symptom of abuse. You question your grip on reality. You also get addicted to the behaviour. See you are getting help but is it good help? Are they tackling your low self esteem because unless that happens you will find it hard to get the strength. Try contacting Refuge. You are now at a stage where you have to take the leap, nobody can do it for you. Good luck and don't let it go on. Protect your child.
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A
female
reader, *dreamer* +, writes (12 May 2006):
 leave him, who comes first?
him or your daughter?
because if u dont get rid of him soon then maybe he will harm u or ur daughter in a bad way!!!!
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A
female
reader, soletshearit +, writes (12 May 2006):
 If you know that you are being abused then why are you still there, especially if you have a child...if you arent gonna break away for yourself then do it for the sake of your child...imagine if your friend or sister was in this situation and had told you everything that oyu have told your friends and family...what would you tell them to do! Don't sh*t up and don't put up either, get yourself outta there...its a very unheathly situation for you and your child to be living in.
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