A
male
age
,
*ees
writes:i've been married for 28 years and now that the children are grown and gone i found myself to be living a sedentary and bored life with my wife. i'm tired of the monotony and routine and i want to get out of it because i no longer desire to continue down this path, i don't know what to do, i don't want to hurt my wifes feelings but i am in this dilemma which is driving me crazy. i haven't told anyone about this and my wife knows that i've wanted out for the longest time but she's keeps threatening me that if i attempt to leave her she will make my life a living hell because i was the one who took her out of her parents home when i asked her to marry me 28 years ago. i remind her that between us the love that once was is no longer and hasn't been for quite a while back, that the bickering, constant stalking, playing the victim for her family to qurestion and hate me, and above it all the fact that i have no privacy what so ever in my own home wher i couldn't sleep peacefully without her smelling my clothes, searching my wallet, always looking for the "white elephant" spying on me like i was some sort of a criminal, and the insults and pyscological warfare always blaming me for everything that went wrong, even challenging my parental authority in the presence of my children to top it off has gone to far. i know it's probably and mostly my fault because i allowed these things to happen throughout the years because i will put my kids and the marriage first before my needs to protect the immage of the marriage and to avoid a conflict. today i feel ashamed of myself for letting this go this far and i feel like a fricken coward for not doing something about this situation sooner. PLEASE HELP PLEASE!!!
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female
reader, spiderweb  +, writes (17 August 2010):
 The title of your message says it all: You're bored. It has nothing to do with HER, it's YOU. She would probably love to bored after 28 years of marriage, but instead she's obviously living on her nerves, having endured 28 years with a cheating pratt whom she cannot trust and who tells her how non-existent his feelings for her have become. And then you cast around for excuses as to why SHE is to blame for your mid-life crisis. Reading between the lines, I'd say she is the one who put up with your cheating (why else would she be so suspicious) and your emotional coldness, for the sake of the kids and now she doesn't see why she should be dumped and suffer financially after 28 years of misery with you. Counselling would be good. Your letter smacks of self-pity and you have justified your childish and selfish behaviour by putting the blame squarely on her shoulders (the only blame you admit is that you stuck around for the kids... yeah right!) Why don't you take her on a fabulous holiday somewhere, make yourself responsible for giving the marriage a romantic shot in the arm? If you can't be bothered to try and save your marriage, then leave the poor woman to get on with her life. You'll be the one who is sorry in the long run as men usually are, whilst she'll get on quite happily after a year of sadness. By the way, how long have you been having the affair you're in? (That's the real reason why you want to leave, isn't it?????)
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 August 2010):
 Geeze - if she's really like that, you need to stand up for yourself! It's not enough to simply divorce her because like it or not, you are half the problem with that marriage, and now that you're a middle-aged empty-nester, you're starting to have a mid-life crisis.
Let me ask you this - why is she smelling your clothes?? Did you ever cheat on her in the course of this 28 year marriage and she hasn't gotten over it? That's kind of a weird thing to do after 28 years without provocation. Most married couples of 28 years can't be bothered because both people are beyond running around with their hormones flying in the breeze. Usually that sort of thing happens around the 5-10 year mark. After 28, married couples start looking like each other!
I'm rather surprised your wife stuck with you after you telling her you don't love her and that the love "has been gone for quite awhile", If I were your wife and you told me that, I'd be gone faster than you could say the words "for quite awhile". You *have* let things get too far without saying anything. What's kept you there up to this point? Just the kids?
You may be able to get away from her, but you can't get away from yourself, and you are as responsible as she is for the state of the marriage. Don't expect to find someone and live happily ever after in a continual state of bliss, because you'll start falling back into your own patterns when the newness wears off that one.
Do the counselling with your wife as much for personal therapy as for the marriage itself.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (17 August 2010):
 For whatever reason your wife is insecure and doesn't trust you. If your completely innocent and her fears are illogical and unfounded, then it's probably time to get a divorce.
If you have cheated on her in the past and have tried to reassure her, then you either need professional marriage guidance or you need to call it a day.
Either way, things cant go on as they are and it looks like it will have to be you who makes the first move.
Seems like your already in a living hell...so what have you got to lose?
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (17 August 2010):
 It's never too late to take charge and tell your wife that you won't put up with that sort of nonsense. You could try it, but only if you're willing to really stand up and be Ward Cleaver no matter how poorly she reacts for the first six months. Simply creating a private space for yourself (not demanding it, or asking, just doing it) would be the first step, and would probably alleviate much of your stress.
I'd advise any man or woman in your position to try your damndest to make the marriage work, play around with your role in it, whatever you have to do. You were in love once, and can be again.
However, with the kids out of the house, you've already put up with a lot to minimize collateral damage, which is quite admirable. If you truly feel that leaving is the only option, consult an attorney and an accountant - "living hell" in this instance refers to her intent to use the family courts to strip you of all assets over a period of several months.
Unless you have an iron-clad prenup, an ace attorney, and the fortune to live in an alimoney-free state, divorce will be hell. This is the wrath of a woman with virtually zero prospects for remarriage and a misandric government at work here. Rule of thumb is that if you can live comfortably alone on one-third of your current income without your house or car, you'll be able to weather anything.
Avoid the courts at all costs; better just to give her enough to shut her up, or you'll end up paying for both of your attorneys for several months.
Either way, good luck, and I hope you both find happiness.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (17 August 2010):
 I usually suggest counselling in these cases, but you sound as if you might be beyond that. The idea that she'd make your life a living hell is disturbing -- do you know exactly what she means by that?
Consult a skilled divorce attorney and find out your options and the consequences, financial and otherwise. Then you'll be in a better position to make an informed decision.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, jkirk +, writes (17 August 2010):
Divorce her and go spend the rest of you life happy with someone you actually love.
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