A
male
age
41-50,
*affia3
writes:I met my girlfriend about six years ago and we've been together coming up 5 years now I think, but I feel like I've lost interest in the relationship. I don't know, cause she's a nice and lovely person. But things just keep coming up, like you know how negative things are always more apparent than the positive? I feel like she doesn't satisfy me sexually as she could, that sometimes her insecurity annoys me, that we fall out too often.We've both been living together for a year now but I feel like I don't want to anymore, that I want to be on my own for awhile. But I'm scared that her feelings for me are so strong that it'll hurt her terribly if I do call things off. But I don't want to be in something I don't want to be in. I've got literally no one to ask, and I know there's no easy answers, this is more of a cathartic release type thing. So thanks if you've gotten this far. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, laffia3 +, writes (24 August 2009):
laffia3 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI hate how lately I've seem to just come to this decision so quickly, like over the last week it's just been playing on my mind more and more. I don't want to hurt her, I really don't. And I've said sometimes that I can see us being married or having kids but that was at the time when I felt like we could.Now the idea terrifies me. I've heard about people who've been stuck in relationships they don't want to be in for years, and I don't want to be there. But it's the scariest thing, because I don't really recall what it felt like to not be in a relationship.And I feel half my thoughts are being dictated by current circumstance. Like I haven't got that much money, so if I say now that I don't want to be together, I'll have no place to stay, cause I really won't be staying in the place we have now, nor do I have any money to get a new flat straight away. When I start thinking about these things, I feel like such a horrible person.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (21 August 2009):
 So basically you are just fed up with being in a relationship and want to be young free and single! There is no shame in that - I thankfully never settled into a long term relationship when I was too young because I knew I would end up feeling like you do now - resentful of the respnsibilty and craving my own freedom!
It seems like you have made up your mind already about ending the relationship so I guess you just have to tell your girlfriend before it is too late. She deserves to know the truth - and that is basically you feel too young to settle down and that you want to be alone for a while. Be honest with her, its the best you can do.
But be prepared to be bored of being single within a couple of months (being single is the most boring thing on earth believe me, many times you wish you had someone just to talk to while you are watching TV or someone to talk to about your day when you get in). And be prepared to miss her like crazy and to regret your decision a lot of the time - it sounds like you have a great girl and the chances of finding someone like that again are slim.
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A
male
reader, laffia3 +, writes (21 August 2009):
laffia3 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know it feels like I shouldn't throw away five years just like that but there's more to this really. I feel like for the last few years I've had all these responsibilities that come with the relationship, that I feel like I've not really had the chance to just be an adult on my own cause I've been in this relationshipI know that sounds stupid, but sometimes I just want my own space. And even though we've talked about this kind of thing before, it almost never happens. You know how some times you go through this *thing* with a friend, where you sort of find them annoying, that you wish they'd just go away and leave you along for like a week and then things will be better again? That's sort of what this is like. I do love her, but I'm not in love with her any more I don't think.But things are beginning to scare me, like how we're meant to be trying to move into a new flat soon, but I don't want to do it, because of how I'm feeling now. I don't want to put all the effort in just to leave it. But what if my feelings don't improve? Feel like I'll hurt her far too much and I don't want to do that.
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A
female
reader, kayla20 +, writes (20 August 2009):
 because you have been together for quite some time you are likely to loose interest and get bored but its one of these things you either get through or you break up. if i was you i take the time to think about this i mean 5 years is a long time and you'd be throwing that away for a single life so i suppose it means you wasted 5 years of your life on a relationship however do u want to loose another 5 years. just look at it like this "can you see yourself being with your girlfriend in 5 years time?" if not then maybe you should end the relationship and if your not sure then maybe you need to really talk to her and see how she feels but you have to do what is going to make you happy even if its a break to take time away from the relationship to see whether you want to save it or break it
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (20 August 2009):
Well maybe before you throw away 5 years of being together why not talk about how you are feeling with your girlfriend? It is so common for people in relationships to get bored or lose interest in a while, and think the grass is greener on the other side so to speak, but when they find themselves single and living alone they realise how good they had it with their now ex partner.
So dont be so ready to give up - why not put your energy into working things out? The sexual side of things is easy to resolve - talk to her about what she does well, what she does that isnt so good and what you would like more of/less of etc. Get her to do the same for you to so it doesnt seem like an outright criticism of her.
The falling out part, what are you falling out over? Have you ever thought it might be sometimes down to you as well as sometimes it is her fault?
I think you have just come to the classic point in a relationship where the honeymoon period is over and things seem a bit stale. You probably think you love your girlfriend but you are just not "in love" with her anymore. And this is complete rubbish - loving someone is far stronger than that "in love" feeling. I use this quote many times on this site because it makes you think about the difference between love and "in love" and whether it really exists:
"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
I dont believe in giving up on a relationship just because it has become boring, or you argue too often, or because you have just lost interest. I believe in fighting for a relationship because there must have been good times for you to stay together this long, therefore you can try your best to get them back. Only once you have put all your heart and soul into making the relationship work can you then decide to leave or not. if you have really tried to work things out and you have done your best but it still isnt working, then by all means leave. But at least give your girlfriend the chance to try and work on your problems and see if you can get back to happier times.
Surely after 5 years it is worth giving it one last chance? Doesnt your girlfriend deserve to know how you are feeling and the chance to try and change things?
I reckon if you left her you would see in a few months that being on your own isnt all its cracked up to be, and that you had a great girl who loved you - that is something special and the chances are you wont find that again any time soon.
I hope you do the right thing and give it one last chance - if after a few months of both of you working at it the relationship still feels wrong to you, then you can at least say "I tried my best but this just isnt working" and then you can walk away knowing you gave it your best shot so you have no regrets.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Green Hills +, writes (20 August 2009):
 Hello. Your relationship with your girlfriend has been a long one, so i can understand your concerns now that you dont really see a future for the two of you. Thats ok. These things happen! You dont mention children and you both seem relatively young so believe it or not, things could be worse. Im assuming she has no idea how you really feel and you obviously arent keen on being honest with her because you dont want to hurt her. A noble sentiment or cowardly? Consider how much more hurt you will cause by staying with her, possibly marrying her and bringing children into the world....then saying all the things to her in the future, that in fairness to her, you should be saying now. You can avoid so much pain and unhappiness now, by being very honest with her. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (20 August 2009):
 well it does seem things have sizzled away for you both.
i know you don't want to hurt her but at the end of the day you are hurting her more by lying to her all the time and keeping the relationship going when it's something you don't want to keep alive so to speak.
you need to sit with her have a long discussion about your feelings towards her and let her down gently.
you just need to explain to her how your feelings for her have changed i mean alot of people's feelings do change when they live with that other person because they don't realise everything about that person they think they know them really well but living with them is totally different.
and you've said her insecurities annoy you i guess she still isn't that comfortable around you because she's still got insecurities about her.
maybe you should talk to her about this let her know that these insecurities annoy you and that she should feel relaxed around you,
Hope this helps.
x ilovebowsandcherries x
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