A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is a question about my mother....PLEASE READ!!Ok so Ive dealt with years of mental and physical abuse from my mum, she always tells me im worthless, no-one will love me, in useless, I'll never amount to anyone, I should just die already and make everyone happy, I'm an ugly fat girl who disgusts everyone and much worse and yes its messed with me hugely and im in therapy and on meds etc.But Ive never had much luck with friends, they all seem to just back stab me all the time and use me...I'm soo good to everyone and help them when they need it and I never ever talk behind anyone's backs and yeah I always get pushed around and in the end I decided that their not worth it. I dont plan on living in the UK ive wanted to move to Canada since I was like 11 so I got to the stage where I was like ok im happy to go to work and go to school for now until im able to get to Canada and I have friends from Canada Ive talked to for years so I talk to them online and I do have 2 friends whom I see each maybe once a week sometimes more...so its not like im totally friendless and never go out. But when im home i am online. I met a guy online like 3 years ago and talked to him every now and then and our relationship developed into something, we became bf/gf and met in real and hes amazing.Well hes got real bad depression right now and dumped me, im just gonna try remain positive about it and say he did it cuz he could see he was pushing me away and didnt want to hurt me in that sense...so hes my friend cuz thats what he wants...so he is the perfect guy for me and i love him, so im going to be his friend and give him the support he needs.Well i told my mum he dumped me and she told my dad and they are both like good now go actually f**king live your life now instead of being online all the time. I was like ok hes depressed and i still talk to him so im gonna be there for him and they were like hes a teenage boy he doesnt need ur f**king help leave him and never talk to him again and go out more. Then they continued for a bit and I was like ok just cuz im no longer dating him doesnt mean im going to change...I was like this before he came along because I chose to be, if I want to go out I go out, if I dont then I dont...I said I dont wanna go out drinking all the time like everyone else etc etc etc and they just called me a loser and yet again went on about how when they were my age they were never in, they were always out, they had so many friends, they were so popular, everyone loved them, they were getting married....bla bla bla I should be the same...in fact I got in trouble a few month ago because Im 21 and not married.I dont know what to do...Ive applied for a BUNAC to get me into Canada for a year and in the process of filing out the forms for the visa so fingers crossed I get accepted and end up in Canada by the end of the year but how do I get them to realise that I am who I am...Im quite happy with it right now...when I get where i want to be (Canada) I probably will change because thats where I consider home and where I want to be, so try start my life the way I want it and where....but they cant see this...they dont know ive applied for the visa and i dont plan on telling them unless i get accepted. Shes soo difficult with me and will not look at anything from my view...she seems to think I should be like her and I dont want to be anything like her...How can I deal with this?
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female
reader, Inbetweener +, writes (15 April 2011):
Ouch, that doesn't sound nice at all!As for your parents, tell them 'beauty's in the eyes of the beholder' and that for them to project their insecurities about themselves onto you is cowardly. As for friends, don't let them push you around. You seem like a pretty awesome person so you'll meet new friends - just be patient. Good luck with Canada :) I'm sure it'll work out - then you'll either never have to see your parents again or they'll come crawling to you! Either way, things can always get so much worse; you have many people on here that care. Keep us updated :)Xx
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (14 April 2011):
 Why tell them? People in trouble often make several mistake and you are making two according to your post.
1. They seek to find an solution that would solve everything. You want to feel better and get things in order with your parents... okay but does this have to come in one step? Might it be more productive to first cut all ties, sort out yourself and maybe then when you are secure with who you are and where you stand, if you still feel the need, confront your parents?
2. People with issues often find others with issues. Gosh, how surprising. Girl with family problems finds a boyfriend with depression. Not saying you did this on purpose but it is just stacking on the issues isn't it? Should I bore you with the classic story of a person running away from trouble into trouble? That your boyfriend turned out to have issues is unlikely to be an accident.
People can only cope with so much at a time. Yet we often can't bring ourselves to break down the problems into chunks we can manage.
You can't convince your mother right now... so DON'T. Your boyfriend issues are something you don't need as well. So STOP. Concentrate on yourself for a while, till you feel better. Then you can start tackling other problems again.
After all, you are already stacking on another issue. Moving country is not easy and will take a LOT out of you. Don't overburden yourself.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (14 April 2011):
 I didn't get along with my mother at your age. She had some mental problems and would take it out on everyone and everything. You have my sympathy in part. I left home at 18 and I suggest that is what you must do. Your relationship with your parents may well improve through the distance and lack of dependency. It sounds as if your mother has psychological difficulties if she is that scathing towards her own child - some people who feel very bad about themselves deal with it by criticising everyone around them (very typical in agitated depression). My mother gave my eldest brother hell and used to torment and physically abuse him to the point that he left home and never came back ever again. She hasn't seen him since 1986! Given that you are sensitive to parental comments then I suggest you develop a sense of control over what you tell people. I do this with my mother - I learned never to disclose anything that I don't want passed on further, or distorted and used against me at a future time. It is a rather good life skill too - you will meet people in the world who abuse your trust so you become selective and careful what you disclose (not a bad thing!).
Life, relationships and personal situations do not always work out as you might hope or expect. The key to your therapy would be to move from a sense of learned helplessness/ hopelessness (i.e. my situation is bad and there is nothing I can do about it) towards a more positive outlook (i.e. my situation is bad but I have an action plan to change things). I hope that you are getting cognitive-behavioural therapy as this is probably going to help you more than other counselling approaches. I also think you cannot heal up emotionally until you escape the context of the abuse (i.e. leave home). There is nothing more satisfying than proving people wrong. You must go out in the world and find a job (if you don't have one) or an education that gives you power and control over your life. Moving to Canada may work out, but if it doesn't then find something else to do. If that doesn't work, find something else...until you are happy. Happiness comes from within and you need to be around strong, positive people right now - or at least by yourself away from negative influences. You need to get yourself sorted out before you contemplate a serious relationship. Romantic friendships are very nice but only when you are in good emotional shape yourself to allow yourself to enjoy them. So, pack a bag - get out of hell - move on with your life away from bad parental influences. You will develop personal confidence by doing for yourself.
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A
male
reader, macdubh712  +, writes (14 April 2011):
Sure, she is your mother. However, I feel like you are doing the right thing to do what you want to do. Living "abroad" is a good thing. I am doing it now. You can learn a lot about yourself in doing so and you get a different perspective on many things so I give you a thumbs up for making the attempt. It sounds as if you have done everything you can to make it happen so let's hope it does. Once you leave the UK don't look back, not for a LONG time. Go make your life and do the things YOU want to do. DO NOT let your parents run your life or try to discourage you about doing this because if you do, you'll regret it and you will always think of Canada and what could have been. DO IT and, perhaps you should give them a piece of your mind before you leave. Don't be disrespectful because you are the better person, but let them have it; tell them how you feel then tell them Ma'a salama! Go to Canada and DO IT! Do YOU and to filth with what others have to say. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 April 2011):
 If things fall through with going to Canada at least move out of your parent's house. It's time you get your own place. Then you can discuss only those things you want to discuss with your parents. They won't have their noses in your life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 April 2011):
 Don't let anything hold you back from your dreams. Go for it. Just understand that in reality Canada may not be your Utopia.
I had lots of dreams when I was your age and I went for most of them head on. Some turned out to be more of a "pipe dream", but all in all I learned a lot about myself in the process. Don't EVER let anyone tell you that you are nothing or nobody.
One thing I do agree with your mom on (the only thing I should say) is don't forget to live life. Don't live on the Net. That is too easy. It's not 100% real.
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