A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i need some suggestions. i posted this question a couple of days ago but i didnt get any replies so i thought id give it another shot... this could be pretty long but ill try to keep it the shortest i can. my ex girl and i dated a couple of years and broke up a few months ago. during the break up we kept having sex and kept going on dates but not officially together. she dropped out of college this year but is planning on going back this next semester. so right now shes got a lot of spare time. well anyways she cheated on me during the last month of our relationship and kept seeing that guy after the break up. i found all this out just recently and i was pretty upset but im getting over it. the thing is i love her still (well not as much as i used to) but i still do and now i have distanced myself from her. i dont call her anymore (i changed my number) and i dont go up to her if i see her. i just pretty much deleted her from my life but she knows where i work and she comes to visit me. thats the only contact we have , when she comes to my job. the problem is, that i feel like she only comes when shes bored or lonely. as much as i hate to admit it, i like it when she comes and we have a good time talking. the last time she came i told her to hurry back soon and she said she will try her best to come as soon as she could but that was 2 weeks ago. she only comes once a week or even as long as 2 weeks. she says she loves me a lot and she regrets doing all she did and she will change but i just cant see the effort that supposedly shes putting in to get me back.what i dont know is what to do. should i continually just see her when she comes? should i encourage her to come? (i already did but i guess i could stop). like i said she doesnt have a job or school right now and she has minimal chores to do at home so she has all the time in the world to come visit me but it usually takes a week between her visits. i think she only comes when she need someone to talk to and get affection from rather than just coming because she just wants to see me. oh and the other guy lives 8 hours away now so i really doubt theres anything going on there but i she swears on her families lives that she isnt seeing anybody other than me. what would you guys do? id like some male advice but female advise would also be appreciated. Oh and i guess you could keep in mind that my job is a 15 minute dirive from her house.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2011): Well, if you know you are going to "move on" and you want some play, honestly I don't see any harm. It might not be good for your emotions though...
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell i found out about the guy a month after she broke up with me.. but now what i have a doubt about is if i should be talking to her. Im moving away for college in a couple of months so i dont want a relationship with her. so what i was wondering was if i should just keep talking to her like that and mess around till i leave and enjoy it while i can or if i shuld just somehow tell her to leave me alone. Im not a jerk so its kinda hard for me to reject another human being specially someone i love.
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (14 April 2011):
 Continuing to see her after the breakup was a mistake. It got your emotions in a tangle. No-contact is the best way to move on to a better girl.
Of course you enjoy talking to her - you dated for a while because you got along and liked each other. That was never the problem. The problem is her lack of character and respect for you. She cheated on you, and continued to see you and another guy at the sam time after the breakup (it's possible that he believed they were dating steady at the time, and he perceives you as the other man now).
She's probably telling the truth about loving you and missing you. She' telling a half-truth about regretting it - she only regrets suffering consequences for it, not actually doing it. She believes she's telling the truth about changing, but probably is just fooling herself. She's already proven that she wants to have everything she wants, when she wants it, and part of that mindset is the ability to lie to yourself very effectively. It doesn't help that in continuing to see her, you've shielded her from some of the consequences of her actions - which prevented her from learning anything and growing as a person.
I'd say tell her to stop coming to your work, stop trying to contact you, and move on. You can find a girl who is every bit as fun to be around, but with a modicum of self-control and respect for you. Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, macdubh712 +, writes (14 April 2011):
Only you are actually seeing what is happening when you interact with her, but I'll give it a shot. You dated this girl for a couple of years and broke up but still continued doing the "Don Juan." You found out recently that she cheated on you with a guy the last month of your relationship, correct? Who told you this? If not her, how did this person find out? If this information (that she cheated) is confirmed, have you talked to her about this? I mean, sat her down and had a pow-wow. No cell phone answering or other distractions. Sit her across from you and talk about it. Ask ALL the questions you want or feel the need to ask and watch her responses. Before you ask your main questions, just talk to her about anything. Small talk and ask her questions you know to be true or control questions. Watch her body language when she answers known truths. Then bring up your relationhip (past, present, and future). Ask the questions you want to ask; she owes you this much if she cheated on you and you were treating her well. After you talk to her, if you get a warm fuzzy about her and what she said (i.e. you feel she was honest and sincere) and you want to give her another chance then do so. But you need instill in her that you don't intend to deal with nonsense or games; if she wants you back and you decide to give her another chance you need make sure she understands that the second chance comes with the understanding that she earns it. If she violates this deal and cheats again, she needs to go. This is sort of a hardline stance and if you take it, and you communicate this to her then you should reciprocate everything you demand of her. I feel that if you demand no nonsense, no games, honesty, and faithfulness then you need to give her all these in return. Again, make sure she understands that she will get all of these things you ask of her. If you follow these rules and she's down with it then should be able recover from this issue and go on to much happier times. Good luck.
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