A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I asked a question on here earlier about my bf not seeing me for a week, and his car needing to be fixed. Well, now I have another problem. I've had this problem for some time now. How can I get my mom to stop acting like he ain't shit, just because all the guys she's been out with (besides my dad who is now in a nursing home cos he was an alcoholic) weren't all that great? She makes these stupid comments all the time about decisions I make concerning him, etc. etc. etc. Like the other day, he asked me to return our camera that he was making payments on, because he was late on the payments and they were threatening to press charges. I told her that I needed a ride so that I could give them their camera back, and she was all, "He has some growing up to do, doesn't he?" Then today, when I was talking about what I was going to buy him for Christmas, she was all, "You're going to spend 200-300 dollars on this guy???" I was like some guitars are $100. Then she made another stupid comment, "Yeah, but he's a man and he won't want one like that." I hate how she makes constant negative remarks about men all the time, just cos she's had bad experiences with them. I think that she needs therapy or something. Anyways he gets me expensive gifts, so I try to return the favor, except for this one time he got me a ring for my birthday that says, "Love" and he claimed it was expensive, but I found the receipt that says 30 bucks, Idk, 30 bucks may be expensive to some people, so I am going to try to match the amount of money he spent on my gift for his birthday gift. He got me a stereo this Christmas, and I got him some models to build and a fake plastic light saber that makes sounds, but this Christmas, when we've been going out for about a year and a half, I want to get him a guitar. I get refund checks from my college every semester totalling in 850 bucks. Tell me, am I being too extravagant??? Did she make this comment out of jealousy???? And how can I get her to stop questioning my judgment concerning this guy???Here's her history:Went out with a man who's only qualifications were ditch digger, and he rarely ever works. She paid for so much stuff and he barely spent five dollars on her. "Jimmy"Went out with a man when I was little who was a cocaine user, and the drug dealer came to our house sometimes. Once this man she was with took my towel and pushed me naked outside when it was nighttime and I was a little girl. He also called my black friend a nig***. "Junior"Before I was born she dated a man who took her too a bar and made her pay for all the beer, and then told her that he wasn't dancing with her, because she was fat. I think this was the same guy who took half of her virginity then ran out singing "I popped a cherry!!!" Or he could've been a diff. guy, Idk. I'd love to cap his ass. But anyways, my main issue is, how do I get her to stop acting like my man, who has been with me for 8 months, and loves me a lot, is not like the men that she has been with? P.S. Sorry so long.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRcn, and LazyGuy, thanks for your advice. You really helped me A LOT!!!!! I think that I was just so mad at the way my mom worded it "spend that money on HIM." But I have thought about it. 850 is not what I live on, it is my bonus from the school. But 2-3 hundred dollars does seem like a lot of money, so maybe I will decide when it is closer to Christmas, and if so, I will look into the store that you recommended Rcn.
Lazyguy-I agree that some people are more in debt than others, I'm not sure if I'd say Americans mostly were, but I am not that type of person myself, which is one of me and his differences. He says "Oh I could save up money to buy this, but that wouldn't build up credit." Me-not that way at all, I don't like borrowing, I don't have credit cards, the only credit-card I have is a pre-paid one, which takes the payments I have to make off of the card, and then it becomes cancelled when all the money on it is gone. The only borrowing I have ever done was probably my freshman or sophomore year to get loans. Other than that, I HATE borrowing!!!!!!! I take debt seriously, and I don't see the point of being in it. Some people can use other peoples' money, and just laugh it off when they call or get aggravated and say "Ugh, bill collectors." But I am not like that. I like to have my bills paid IN FULL. Now, if something major happened to me, like an accident, and I owed the hospital thousands of dollars in money back, I might take my time saving up to pay that off, but I don't treat hospital debt as major as I treat luxury debt. Things like luxury debts are choices. One doesn't choose to get into an accident (as in the case of hospital debt.)
But I will probably talk to my mom more about what she meant and try to figure out what she was saying. Sometimes I can have a negative view of my bf, sometimes a positive one, but I know that we have our differences (especially in the credit area) and I am going to try to be smart about the decisions that I make. I want to make sure that I get to know him well before we get married in the future, so that I don't end up having a bad marriage and people telling me, "Well you knew he was like this BEFORE you got married, so why did you get married?" lol.....
And I agree that acting the same way that my mom is acting won't help me Rcn. I think that sometimes I just get frustrated. That's no excuse, I'm just saying that I get frustrated sometimes.
And I DEFINETLY won't loan him huge amounts of money. I've seen that on court shows too often! lol.....
Thanks again guys!!!!!!!
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (19 March 2008):
 That's all you can do. And remember this store when it comes times "Guitar Center". They have the best dicounts on new guitars. I frequent there often and definately recommend it. My mom, a non musician, explains the store as being just "WOW".
Take care and good luck
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (19 March 2008):
 A classic guitar doesn't cost that much, but then again, you are not exactly rich are you? If he has problems making payments and still buys expensive gifts, then your mother is right, he has some growing up to do.Although I am saying this as a dutch person, we don't loan money, americans live in debt.Your mother just sounds like she knows the world and doesn't want her daughter to make mistakes, possibly the same mistakes she made, and that her mother warned her about. It is a parent thing. You will do the same with your kids.Yes she made mistakes in the past, doesn't that make her qualified to warn you against making the same? One part of being an adult is learning to take advice from others even if you don't want to hear it.You mention $100 is not that much. All depends on what your income is. For someone you age it sounds like a lot. Is that college refund money you got to live from or a bonus? Because if it is you income then spending 1/8th of it on a gift is extreme.It is fun to buy the other an expensive gift, but not if you can't afford it. If you have financial troubles because of what you spend, then it is to extravagant. If you can afford it because it is just spending money, then it ain't.Your mother just sounds concerned for you, the only way to cure that is by proofing she is wrong. Grow up to be a responsible person who doesn't need her constant supervision. PROOF her wrong.If it is to much for you, well you already moved out, then just make it clear to her that you are now an adult, responsible for your decisions and will take responsibility. If she can't life with that, simply do not visit anymore. Parents can have a hard time letting go and accepting that the little baby they had to protect 24/7 doesn't need to be protected anymore. Don't be too hard on her, until you raised a child yourselve and done it better.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (19 March 2008):
maybe, but realize this, if being judgemental is not normally you, don't let your mom's behavior be reason to be who you are not. Be the adult, someone has too. Acting a way just because someone else does creates the circle of repeated behavior. It's up to you to break that circle and not act with the immaturity your mother is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo my mom doesn't pay my bills. I get scholarships and grants for school. I am on a full honors scholarship which gives me refunds. I pay for my groceries, and I live on campus which the scholarship pays for. She pays for none of it. So no she has no say on how I spend my money, because it's not hers to begin with.
And I agree rcn, that I can't control her behavior. I'll just try to make the best of my relationship with my bf, and if some day in the future we end up getting married and having a wonderful marriage, she will be proven wrong in all of her assumptions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'll stop being judgmental with her as soon as she stops being judgmental with me. She's always treated me like there is something wrong with me. She'll play games, and then when I get mad with her and tell her I don't take kindly to the way she is acting, she'll play those games again and then act like I have hormonal issues for getting angry. Maybe someday I can move away from her.
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A
female
reader, yeahsureyoubetcha +, writes (19 March 2008):
 Who pays your bills? If mom pays your bills she has something to say about how you spend your money.
Does your boyfriend make a lot of money? If he makes lots more than you do perhaps a smaller gift is appropriate.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (19 March 2008):
First stop being judgemental with your mom. She's made mistakes. Part of what she's doing is trying to keep you from making the same mistakes she has made.
You both have to realize your separate people, it's not proper to compare the activities of one based on the mistakes of another. Your mom has had a difficult time choosing someone. I really don't think she knows what she's looking for in a man. She's definately not complete with the person she is.
Not being able to control others behaviors, the only thing you can do is ask her to respect your decision and the fact that she needs to give you some space to make your own mistakes. I'd also sit down with her when she comments and talk about it. Ask her what it is that is causing her to react this way. If you can talk to her to help her overcome fears of you repeating her mistakes you'll have a much easier time. Don't do so in a way that you attack for her past. You both need to be empethetic when you discuss these issues. She knows her mistakes and the last thing she needs is to be constantly reminded about them
I hope this helps, take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd I'm not looking to spend my whole refund check on him, I just want to get him a guitar, but she acts like that's too much money to spend on a man.
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