A
female
age
30-35,
*arksecretangel
writes:Hey everyone, Ive got a big problem.He's 38 and im 18 and even though ive heard all the comments about robbing the cradle, hes only using you for sex. I dont care and I love him and he loved me. it all started on saturday when he came up from the south of england ( where he lives) to where i live up in the north. On the way his rear tire blew on the a1 and he wasnt going to be able to come up, however he still came up. We had a really good time, but then my friend phoned me when i was in the hotel with him asking when i was going out, i said i didnt know and when she had told me her friend was leaving her i sed il be there soon.The thing is i dunno why he is being such a pig about it. Originally he said he would meet her cos i told him she was important but then at the last minuite he changed his mind and gave me the money to go out.I went out and told him i was in a club that i didnt wanna be in, he got pissed off and then started saying things like next time you come down remind me to arrange a night out with my mates. Then on the sunday he drove me home, and it seemed normal, but when he got home he texted me saying i had let him down, and he needed to think about our future.he then dumped me on tuesday. I know he misses me and he loves me as hes also said"I became your friend then decided I'd get jealous seeing u chat with guys"He loves me and i love him and hes told both me and my friend "that he does love me but he doesnt want to be with me" and i keep talking to him about it, n he says he loves me but i shouldnt hold onto the past. I just wondered if anyone could help me try and get him back, Ive told him countless amounts of times im sorry, n its like he doesnt believe me. could someone just please give me advice, im heartbroken.
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female
reader, hisyoyo  +, writes (9 December 2009):
My advice is that you save this question you are asking and when you are 38 ( I am 38 also) look back and read it. Maybe then you will get it. There is clearly a huge maturity gap. It sounds as if his trip to se you was a reality check and eye opener for him. Move on and leave the poor guy alone. You had your chance and blew it.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (9 December 2009):
Sorry, but he didn't love you. If he did, he would be with you. I'm a male, and I know one thing. When a man loves a woman, he loves her and is with her. When he doesn't, he isn't with her. He was saying he loved you so it wouldn't hurt as much. So now you have to be brave and move on.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (9 December 2009):
 My guess is that he has come to realise that he is a 38 year old man who doesnt want a relationship with a teenager!
It is perfectly understandable for you to have behaved the way you did, after all you are a teenager who just wants to go out and have fun with your friends.
But this man is not at the same stage in life as you - he will be bored of clubs and getting drunk on a friday/saturday night. He will want a real relationship based on mutual trust, respect and appreciation. The relationship he appears to have landed himself with is a father/daughter relationship - he gave you pocket money to go out with, he is driving you around like a free taxi service and he has to put up with you being selfish, only thinking of yourself and what you want to do.
So when he travels all that way to see you, he will of course be a little annoyed that you wanted to go out with your friend instead of spending time with him. Now from your follow up you say you cant leave this friend on her own because she was raped - I understand you are trying to be a good friend but surely she wouldnt go out on her own any more if that had happened to her? I know I would never dream of going to a club alone, so I dont really understand why she would go alone? While what happened to her is awful, she should be responsible for her own safety rather than relying upon you to make sure she is safe.
I am guessing this whole business with the "I love you but dont want to be with you" is due to the age difference which he is finally realising is a bit too much to overcome. It will mean that he loves you as a person, YOU are wonderful to him but the relationship is not good and not what he wants right now.
Look at things from his perspective: You have a horrible journey traveling and the only thing you are looking forward to is seeing your girlfriend. When you get there, you have a lovely time but suddenly she is going out to a club and wants you to go with her - but you are stressed and tired and too old to be clubbing with teenagers, so you tell her you will give it a miss. So she goes out anyway, regardless that you have driven a long way to see her and spent a hell of a lot of money on petrol (and presumably someone to fix the tyre). When you get a bit older you come to expect that someone who you are in a relationship with would put you first over other commitments, especially when you have made a massive effort to come and see that person. So when you went out with your friend (effectively choosing your friend and ignoring all the effort he made to try and get to see you) then he might have realised that you are still young and dont see the implications of your actions the way he does.
It is no bad thing on your part - your ex will have just come to realise that your age is more of a problem than he initially thought. And to be honest the chances are he would have realised it at some point in the relationship, so maybe it is a good thing that he realised it now before you got more serious about each other.
Maybe it is time to accept that yes you love each other but there are too many things standing in the way of you being together right now, but maybe in time when you are a bit older, and maybe when you live closer to each other, then things might work out. Timing is very important in a relationship - you can meet the perfect person but if its at the wrong time then the relationship will never work. And it sounds to me like this is definitely the wrong time for you both.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (9 December 2009):
I advised you on the information you gave.
Sorry if you didn't like it.
Tell your friend to have emergency taxi fare in her bra so if she gets left again, she doesn't have to phone you for rescue.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2009): Hiya i dont know how many times youve met this man or if its an online LDR type of thing. But it sounds to me that your mate wanting you both to go clubbing, took your friend out of his comfort zone. Its probably one thing to show you off on his turf to his middle aged friends where he can act like hes all that! But he probably found it was quite another thing, trying to hang out with your mates and clubbing with all those younger men wanting your attention. He said he wouldnt like the idea of other guys around, so he gave you the money to go without him . Then threw a fit because you did!
I think his visit probably gave him a reality check and thats why hes ended things. Its one thing to talk of love on the phone and via computers but if you cant spend a weekend together without a fight and break up, then wheres the fun in dating him?
Trust me sweetheart, theres no fool like an old one. I think hes too lame to tell you the truth.....that the weekend made him feel old and out of place, instead hes trying to make out its your fault things went wrong. Thats not nice. As hes now ended things, leave it at that and forget him x
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A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (9 December 2009):
 How would you feel if you went to the effort and expense to travel to the other end of the country only to have him take off on you and go out clubbing with his mates?
Someone did that to me I would dump them before they even got out the door to leave.
I guess all you can take from this is the lesson to be a bit more considerate to the next guy.
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A
female
reader, darksecretangel +, writes (9 December 2009):
darksecretangel is verified as being by the original poster of the question actually "HUN" it wasnt a night of clubbing i went out for half an hour at the least with ONE friend.
I asked him if it was ok and he said yes, I then begged him to come out with me but he refused.
he then texted me saying tell me when to get ready for the empire.
n fyi i didnt say i was bored in a club, i said i was in truoble in a place i didnt want to be and then left to meet him, where my mate followed and then asked him to go for a drink.
I did consider his feelings, but would you let one of your best mates be out on her own in town drunk especially when shes been raped before.
n yes he did he gave me money to go out. Which i gave him back.
So thanks again hun but dont say im rude when you dont even know the whoile story
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (9 December 2009):
Hang on so he came hundreds of miles up for the weekend and paid for a hotel and you buggered off out for a night of clubbing with your mates.
sorry hun but that's just rude. It's alright being sorry now, but you didn't even consider the possibility that he might not want to spend his time up north sat on his own while you ring him to say you are bored in a club.
He even gave you money to go out?!!
I really don't get how you didn't understand what you did was wrong at the time.
He old enough and wise enough to move on and I think you should be too.
Good Luck!! xx
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