A
female
age
41-50,
*ijit
writes:My boyfriend of 3 years complains that I am not passionate in bed anymore and I don't initiate sex.I thought about it for awhile and I realised that while I give a lot, I don't get a lot. He hasn't taken me out for dinner, or for a movie, or just a drive, or bought me flowers, like he used to. We never did expensive things - they were always 5 dollar dinners, but it was romantic.I expressed this to him, but he says that he doesn't want to commit marriage to me if it means giving up having fun, having wild sex and he would rather have one night stands than have so-so sex.He doesn't seem to want to put in his bit to create the mood, and yet I'm expected to be some fiery nymph without any inspiration, and on demand.I am running on empty. How do I get him to see his role in this?Help?
View related questions:
flowers, one night stand Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, dijit +, writes (26 December 2007):
dijit is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for answering my question...especially peoriaman...
I know you are right deep down...I don't think I am treated the way I deserve,and although I'm not perfect, I think I've been a fun, loving and faithful partner to him for 3 years.
I love him very much but I'm afraid that it's gotten too tangled, and he is slightly abusive (if you see my other posts you'll know what I mean). I'm afraid to go out in the world alone again.
I really thought he was "the one" and I can't imagine not being with him.
I'm so confused and I can't end it. I don't think either of us can ever end it. Until the day one of us gets on a plane to a better life.
Thank you for all your time and advice, it's really given me some perspective.
:)
A
female
reader, dijit +, writes (26 December 2007):
dijit is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes Peoriaman..I totally agree that sometimes we want something so bad that our minds are clouded over as to how easily we can get it.I am in that state of things.To clarify a few things - we have had a great sex life for all the time we have been together. Better than ever actually and better than with any other partner. We are both very passionate and fiery people.Sex is very important to us which is why this is so frustrating.It sounds petty to me when it seems like I'm making small things like going to dinner so important. But I give him my all and more in bed and so he goes to sleep happy. But I am not feeling desire because even though he is active with me in bed and always makes me feel desired and loved, I am losing desire for him because our love and our relationship is not being fueled. To make matters more complicated, we talked last night, we have had a lot of issues recently. The sex is only the symptoms of the disease. The issues go deep and are mostly communication related. Last night when we talked he said he needs me to "change" certain things about myself or he will not marry me. He said :" it's very simple, not at all comlicated : I just need you to be :1) more positive 2) more independant (I was a lot more independant when I met him, now I spend all my time with him) 3) more straightforward (I can get contemplative or even sulky at times when I am upset)If I can do all this he says he will marry me. He said he has even thought about how he would propose.The thing is , I don't trust that even if I make these changes, he will marry me.Because the next thing he went on to discuss was his career. He says no matter what his career is his number one priority. And if he had to choose between me and his career, he would choose his career. So he's decided to move away top another country for his work and says he will not be continuing our relationship when he leaves.I asked him why he wouldn't want to continue it and he said he wouldn't take along all this baggage with him.So basically : if I can " change" to the person he wants me to be then he will marry me and we'll move together. If things stay the way they are right now he is simply going to dump me the day that he gets a visa to work elsewhere.What do you think of this? I appreciate the man's point of view on this because I feel like even if I make these changes he'll still make excuses not to marry me because deep down, he really didn't want this relationship to start with, and he never wanted to be married. Over 3 years all these feelings have evolved, but when it comes to the crunch I don't think he'll take a leap of faith with me.What do you think?What should I do?
...............................
A
male
reader, leonard j, Douglas  +, writes (25 December 2007):
If you are running on empty, emotionally speaking, fill up your heart soul and mind with a new relationship that isn't all give on your part and no return on his."KISS HIM-OFF-SWEETHEART". And you'll have a wonderful New Year.
Merry Christmas.
...............................
A
female
reader, dijit +, writes (25 December 2007):
dijit is verified as being by the original poster of the question
And what I meant by me "giving a lot" is that I am still sexually satisfying him while I have been unstimulated and unsatisfied for months. I did some reading and it turns our a woman's passion is directly related to her emotional state. I have been in emotional turmoil over our sex life and the future of our relationship (it's been a rough month), and I feel unwanted and unloved. Instead of helping me, he criticises me and loads expectation onto me - reading into the symptoms and criticising (the lack of passion), rather than looking inot the "Real" problem (the issues in our relationship concering our future, and my feeling unwanted (he is always threatening to leave me), and feeling unloved ( there's no romance).
...............................
A
female
reader, dijit +, writes (25 December 2007):
dijit is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I totally agree with what you say about how we comunicate this because we have had communication issues with several other problems we've run into.
The irony is that actually I'm the one paying bills and running home (I live on my own), and he lives at home with his parents who are, well, millionaires. He runs his own business so it is hard for him too, but he doesn't have the everyday realities that I have to face. He thinks my 9 to 5 job is "easy" and that I have an "easy" life because I earn well. And I think he has it easy because he has someone to make his bed, pay for everything and cook his meals!
The differences in our circumstnces has often led to him taking a "superior" stand in our relationship, and although he listens to me and he is very loving, I often feel he thinks my point of view is petty, annoying, and simply...unnecessary.
I feel, if we don't sort these things out soon it's going to lead to a break up. And this is a man I want to soend the rest of my life with. But I have needs too. And right now I feel as though he is simply being overly critical of me, laying expectation on me, and expecting me to resolve "our" conflicts, when he is very much a part of them.
...............................
A
female
reader, truly_unique  +, writes (25 December 2007):
Hey
i empathise with your situation and i understand how needy some guys can be without realising it.
I suggest a compromise. Tell him what you would like..a movie or dinner mayb? tell him that he can plan the first half of the night (the movie or dinner or walk on the beach) and you will plan the last part (the sex). Plan him some of the craziest wildest things you could imagine. get a few ideas out of the magazines or whatever and make it a very passionate night between you too. He will thank you for it but it will also make him realise that he has to put effort in to recieve what he wants. sort of a you scratch my back il scartch yours type of thing.
Everytime your man does something special for you you can reward his good behaviour with something...passionate..
eventually he will understand the concept of compromise and communication a little bit better
best of luck
xx
...............................
|
