A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:For years a family member molested me from the age of 4 till I was 12. When I was 9 he started to rape me, I use to be very sore for days and I bled alot and I got infections and couldn't walk properly. I never told anyone as he always threatened me, and I believed the threats as a child. I've recently turned to God and he wants us all to forgive our fellows, how do I do this, How do I start to forgive and heal? Has anyone been able to forgive in these similar circumstances? He made me do terrible things, it really degraded me as a child, he use to force me to perform orally on him and he would ejaculate in my mouth and he did this to me when I was only a very small child, he also performed orally to me. I do see a therapist but Ive only just come out and told him I was sexually abused as a child, I havnt told him the degree of what happened to me. I know forgiveness is the key to recovery, can anyone help me with this?
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male
reader, Griffo +, writes (29 December 2009):
 It's true, we all don't know who else he may be doing it to. And by you going to the police could save someone else.
Please don't be a statistic like one of those victimes who dont go to the police, you need to stand up for yourself and stop this person. In the future you may regret not even going at all, but at least if you go now it means you tried your best, and only then you wont have any regrets at all. you deserve to do that for yourself.
I understand that you may feel fear of going because of embarrasment or fear, but if you explain this to the police im certian they keep these sorts of things at the utmost confidentiality. Only you and them need to know for now, your whole family does not untill you are ready to make the move with the police, they will advise you on what to do, infact im sure it would be somewhat of a relife. Maybe when you realise that you've achieved something with the police it will all begin to wash away as your strength grows and you can then begin to speak with you family as it unfolds.
You never know, there may be other victims who may also come out and confess.
Keep us posted. I really do hope you make that move, You can do it! And I would really like to see you stand up and win.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the responses. I know to you all its hard to take in what I have posted on here, when I read it back myself it sounds so terrible...I guess after putting up with it for so long you kind of become numb to just how shocking it is. I would love to go to the police but its not that easy to do, that would mean so much torture to me having to come out and tell the family and face it all is just too much to bare. I only pray he hasnt or wont do it to anyone else. I thank everyone for being concerned and I have concluded I dont need to forgive, I just need to try to move on...God will still love me.
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A
male
reader, w0trh-it  +, writes (28 December 2009):
You should CALL the POLICE and have this man arrested.Don't worry about the threat.He already made serious damage to you.That is at least by far the smartest thing to do.Don't let this man get away.Be strong and bring justice to you and prevent this man from harming other people.Then, start healing yourself by building your self-esteem.Then move on and forget about it little by little,but its not easy. GOOD LUCK!
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A
female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (27 December 2009):
 I just dont understand why youre still dreaming of forgiving him! who is this man in your life? what kind of membership of the family he is standing? You should do something about it. at least a revenge. if you made your revenge make it sure that he will pay for what he did to you. He should be at least in jail and suffering. forget this forgiving him. try to find out your peace inside of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2009): First of all I want to express how truly sorry I am that you experienced that. Forgiveness is not about absolving the crime they committed to you. It is about you accepting it and having pity on them. It is about YOUR healing and not harboring malice toward them. Please understand that God wants us to be whole and to have peace. That is the importance of the act of forgiveness. Vengeance, malice & anger corrupt YOUR soul, not theirs. You cannot be happy until you free yourself of these negative emotions.
I know this first hand. My brother & neighbor molested me when I was 3 to 6 yrs old..I grew up in a VERY violent household with an alcoholic mother who tried to kill me. I have VERY deep scars, but they are only superficial. I am happy, have a joyful spirit and have a very good life.
I forgave by understanding how desperate and sick my perpetrators are. Could you imagine doing those things to another person? Believe me, this person does know right from wrong. He is either void of emotion & a conscious (in which case eternal damnation is his greatest consequence) or he is living in hell on earth. You might want to explore that route. Get the courage to tell your counselor that you were molested and raped.
Also visit www.joycemyers.org. She is a wonderful preacher who experienced the same thing at the hand of her father.
God bless you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2009): It is up to you to decide whether you really want to forgive him or not. If you are a strong believer in your religion, it would be good for you to do what you believe in. Otherwise your mind won't have peace. So first make up your mind and be clear about what you want to do. If you want to be able to forgive him, I think reading certain books may be helpful. There are books describing stories of people who forgave and loved their enemies who had done much more worse things to them than what you have described. Reading about them may strengthen you and make you believe "If they can do it, I must be able to do it as well." But if you can't forgive him, don't feel bad about it. We are humans and we are weak. Just focus on being happy and making others happy. All the best!
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (26 December 2009):
 Where does it say god wants to forgive everything?
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A
female
reader, ovancott11 +, writes (26 December 2009):
i have had a similar situation... just not as bad or intense, keep talking to your therapist and get him or her to help you and you can have the person who has done all the bad things to you taken away. wouldnt you feel much safer to know that they will be gone, plus on top of that you don't want him to do anything like that to anyone else. (( i dont know what the case is with him at this moment) (but if he is alive or around take action no matter what)) so i suggest that you keep doing what your doing, and although forgiving is a good thing at times. you should not have to forgive him for what he has done to you. although God says to forgive, this man has commited a sin and only God should beable to forgive him for that if he choses, and i dont even think God would forgive him for that, thus you shouldnt have to forgive him either.
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (26 December 2009):
 Even from a Christian standpoint (I was once a Christian, quite devoted really, but that´s another story)... forgiveness does NOT mean that these crimes should go unpunished. It´s not sinful for a judge to sentence a criminal to prison, we have a justice system for a reason. Criminals deserve to be punished! We have prisons to protect us from them. Whatever he gets IS too good for him.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (26 December 2009):
 Forgiving a kid who scratched your car with their bike is one thing. Forgiving this kind of abuse is another. He doesn't deserve your forgiveness. I could never forgive the man who raped me, he doesn't deserve it. I am a firm believer that talking about this with someone, especially your counselor is the absolute best thing you can do to heal from this. I know religion says to forgive, but this is not worth forgiving. He doesn't deserve forgiveness, he deserves severe punishment. Whatever he gets is too good for him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2009): I can never forgive my abuser. Ever.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2009): Before you can forgive anyone you need to heal yourself. This man is very sick and I am disgusted with his actions. He has now passed his sickness onto you. You need to heal yourself first and come forward with this. Think about what others have said, you are not only helping yourself you are helping other people who are hurting.
I believe that God want you to forgive people that ask for forgiveness. The only way anyone can ask for forgiveness is to understand the wrong they are doing to others. Most of the time the only way these people will learn this is to have negative experiences themselves. In this case the law needs to take care of this man. If some day he comes to you and is truly sorry for the horrible things he has done to you, then and only then it is your time to decide whether or not you want to forgive.
Please be strong you must go forward with this. Your therapist should take care of the legal matters with the police. You also need to ask him about finding you a support group to deal with this very difficult matter.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2009): Forget forgiveness; revenge is sweet and cathartic.
You need to detail all the abuses that you have suffered and go sraight to the police.
You owe it to yourself, to help you heal and to any others that this animal may have also abused or is likely to abuse in the future.
Only forgive those that are genuinely repentant and approach you for forgiveness: this piece of excrement does not deserve any sympathy.
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (26 December 2009):
I'm a firm beliver that the evil that people do, eventually comes back to haunt them someday, and theres no getting away from that ever. I believe what religion really means by "forgivness" is to leave it with god so he can punish that person accordingly, etc.
In other words what goes around comes around. Or the evil that this man has done to you, someday, some place, something just as terrifying, yet maybe not the same thing, will eventually happen in return to him.
But in this case, I would go to the police station, and tell them you have somthing you need to discuss in private and that it will take some time. Ask to speak with a female officer, she will be happy to assist you and advise you on the proceedures. The Australian police take this very seriously and are there for your protection.
The next step is to go the the police station. That in it self shows your strength and that you are becoming stronger. It must be really hard for you right now but please go to the police. For you.
Let us know how you go. Keep in touch.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2009): Forgiveness is a very personal thing. Do not force yourself to forgive something before (indeed if ever) you are ready to. Understanding and acceptance of what has happened to you is all you need to consider for now. You have taken a massive step in seeking professional support and do not underestimate how much emotional strength this alone will require. I think you may be expecting too much from yourself too soon. I would hope that you may also reflect on what the other post has mentioned. What you experienced as a child has scarred you emotionally and possibly to some extent physically. If you knew of a child being subjected to this now would you expect such a person to be locked up? Do you wish for justice and acknowledgement for the impact this person has had on your life? Your answer is yours and yours alone. We may all have an opinion. Mine would be justice. Justice on behalf of all those, like you, who have suffered at the hands of these sick people and on behalf of any who may be suffering from their actions right now. He may still be carrying out such practices and your evidence could be vital in protecting others. Either way I hope you find strength to believe in your own beauty and worth and that you will find happiness going forward.
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera +, writes (26 December 2009):
I´m more spiritual than religious, but I can tell you that forgiveness does NOT mean that you tolerate abuse from people.
I´m not sure about forgiveness, but I ask you this... what is the statute of limitations for this crime in Australia? No matter how much times has elapsed, he´s dangerous and should be locked up. You need to report him to the authorities, I don´t care how long it´s been.
I wouldn´t forgive him, but I realize that our religions teach us to forgive. I think it would help if you talk to a pastor or a counselor with a similar religious affiliation.
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