A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, and thanks in advanceI've been with my bf for 2.5 years and its been a constant battle more so this last 1.5 I'm unable to go anywhere with gf's unless he is present, unable to have my own privacy on Facebook without him having access. He has access to my email account too. I feel its none of his business what me and my gf, or family discuss.He's demanding, controlling, disrespectful, lies alot, conceals his whereabouts, but needs to know where i'am constantly. I've expressed this isn't a double standard relationship and if he needs to know where I am, he needs to divulge his whereabouts as well. He drills me, accuses me all the time of cheating(I've never been disloyal)he has called my ex to see if I was with him, called my brother whom I haven't spoken to in 20 years to ask if I was there. He knows my brothers name so he looked him up in the phone book. I was totally embarrassed.I'm stressed to the max and have requested several times he seeks help. I shouldn't have to be interrogated all the time, and I have told him I'm not a kid and I'm quite capable of making my own decisions. I'm thinking he is always accusing me because of his own guilt. He's texted me calling me another woman's name, he has no sisters, coworkers, with that name. I asked who the woman was, and his reply, "I'm tired damnit!" I've went to his place to surprise him found a woman's scrunchie in his washroom(not mine) I asked who's is this?" his reply, "must of been a woman who viewed the place(cause he was planning on moving. Idk who takes a scrunchie out of their hair to view a place, but I bit my tongue.I have had it, and I need him to take me serious this time. How do I get him to either seek help or leave me alone?
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female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (6 January 2011):
I don't think he will leave you alone, you have to be the one to leave him alone.
He may be a control freak, but you're allowing yourself to become a target.
You've already requested several times that he seek help and obviously he hasn't.
Besides setting boundaries, you have to stick with them. However, people with controlling personalities have real difficulty with respecting their partner's boundaries. It can and will get ugly.
Ask yourself if it's really worth it to stay in this relationship?? If you resist him and stand your ground and enforce your boundaries, things could get really ugly and kill all feelings of love. You may win one battle (like the scrunchie argument for example) but there will be many more and it may take so much out of you that you may not have it in you to keep fighting every single battle. every single day.
At worst, it could escalate into physical violence ...men who are controlling aren't necessarily going to become violent, but men who are violent to their partners almost always start out as control freaks so be watchful if this could be your boyfriend, assume nothing...place your safety first....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): Do a google search for "controlling relationships" - you will see a lot of articles describing exactly your boyfriend!!!Beware of people like these. It's a form of mental abuse. these people have deep issues. a lot of it stems from insecurity. You can't make someone change. They have to want to change on their own. If they dont' want to change there's nothign you can do. Anything you do will simply fuel their original determination of trying to control you even more.What's more, once you've had enough and start standing up for yourself, this enrages the bully even more because by now they're so used to getting their way from you. They are like, how DARE you no longer obey me! And they will take it up ten notches!!! If you were to then cave in under the added pressure, you have just reinforced to them that they were right after all so they win yet again and this further ingrains the relationship dynamic. That's why people say you should get out of such a relationship before you get entrenched. The longer you're in such a relationship the harder it is to get out!! Controlling people rarely change unless they acknowledge they have a problem and actively WANT to change. Most of the time they deny they have a problem in the first place. Their controlling nature makes them believe that it's YOU who has the problem. Thus, it's very very hard to be in a relationship with a controlling person, as you've found out!!my best friend since childhood, he dated a woman just like your boyfriend. He tried so many times but couldn't get out of the relationship because she's so scary. each time he tried to leave her she would get scarier so he would stay....She moved in with him without his agreement, and at short notice. She took his car without asking him, wrecked it, and didn't help him pay a cent for fixing it. She decided to invite her family over to stay with them for, like SIX MONTHS, without his consent. (yes, in HIS own house). Then she quit her job and he had to support her financially and even after 2 years she continued to refuse to get a job so then he "had" to marry her to put her on his health insurance!!! Now that they're married, and she still doesn't have a job yet she controls all the finances. He has no say in how money is spent even though he's providing all the money. Now they have kids, because it's what she wanted and yet another way to entrap him further. He has no say in their kids' upbringing. He's not allowed to go out with friends. The only friends he's allowed to talk to are those that have been pre-approved by her. (because they're also married with kids.) None of his friends from his former life are in touch with him anymore, including me. She ESPECIALLY won't let him talk to me - his best friend since kindergarten and our parents are friends, we're like siblings for crying out loud there's nothing that could ever go on between us since I've known him since kindergarten but just because I'm a woman. His life consists of going to work, answering her calls cos she calls him 10 times a day at work, then going straight home (and heaven forbid he's even 5 minutes late going home!) Then wake up next day and repeat.There's much more but you get the idea of how hard it is to get out of such relationships the only way is down!!.....he's completely and utterly miserable.Bottom line: you can't change a controlling person, you can't force him to get help if he doesn't even believe he needs help for anything. He has to come to the realization on his own that he has a big problem. all you can do is talk to him and tell him, but if he denies then there's nothing else you can do so you should LEAVE him because things won't get better they'll only get worse. He'll only get more controlling and scarier and it will wear you down even more. And heaven forbid if you try to stand up for yourself here and there and get bulldozed over, it's just gonna pave the way to make it ten times worse from then on!!
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A
female
reader, Nonamus +, writes (6 January 2011):
You need to get away from this guy. It will only get worse.
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A
female
reader, ToHereKnowsWhen  +, writes (5 January 2011):
 You have been way too tolerant of this creep. Most animals get better treatment than what you are being dealt. Your life is your own and as you've realised, you can't live it very well with him always looking over your shoulder. You are nursing a very bad habit not a relationship and it will do you harm. Ask yourself: are you really in love with him? Really? Get him out of your life and run for it! All the best.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (5 January 2011):
You've got to end it. If he wanted help, if he wanted to change, then he'd do it for himself. You cannot force this type of person to change. He is completely out of control, and this behaviour will only get worse and worse.
I also think that his behaviour is covering up his own actions. You've listed numerous things in your post that point towards him being a cheat.
What's more worrying than his behaviour is your willingness to accept it. Perhaps you should end it with him and get some therapy of your own to work out why you so readily accept his controlling ways, and why you've kind of swept aside the signs of cheating instead of just dumping him.
He will destroy you for every second you are with him. So instead of wasting time trying to change him, go and find a man who is already in a good place and doesn't need changing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): You shouldn't ever force anyone to do anything, most of all seek help. People have to change on their own and to be honest this man does not want to change.
He has major insecurity issues and is taking it out on you- if he wasn't so insecure he would not need to know where you are every single minute of the day. Also, the fact that he conceals his OWN whereabouts has me wondering if he isn't hiding something himself.
I suggest you think carefully about continuing this relationship.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 January 2011):
 Leave leave leave! Thats what you do. He is NOT your responsibility, you are NOT married to him and he is out of control. What ever do you gain by getting him into therapy? Nothing!
Please, find a new man. I am sorry for not going into deeper explanation, but I have seen this all too many times already. He wants to own you like some piece of property while he gets to do whatever he wants. Is that a relationship? No. That's slavery.
Get out of the relationship. That is all you can do. You can not get him to seek help, he needs to want that himself. You can not make him leave you alone unless you separate yourself from him physically. If he still wont leave you alone then (what I suspect of his kind) you need to call the cops and tell them he is invading your privacy, stalking you, hacking your computer, stealing your mail, whatever it is he does.
What he does is not normal... What he does is quite seriously harmful! You do not need him in your life. Not at all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): I wouldn't bother to get him to seek help. I think you should just leave him and find someone who doesn't cause you this kind of stress. Think how nice it would be to be with someone who doesn't do all of this. You could put all of you energy into being happy instead of worrying about him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): Hi there, it seems like you are living through difficult times right now. You do need to have your private life and even if the two of you were married you would have the right for it. I am a big advocate for women's independence and actually for each party in a relationship. Fusion-type relationships are not for every couple.
Well, this being said just so you know where I generally stand, let me say there is a major issue of trust in your relationship. His jealousy does not seem warranted and I bet that anything you do will only add oil to fire. Agreed that he has a codependent personality and would probably do better if he went to seek help. This is easier when he realises he has a problem and does so on his own initiative, showing that he wants to heal. I'm pretty sure he has deep emotional trauma to be acting this way.
If you love him and I believe you do for wanting to help him maybe you could simply start talking about your past and about the good and the traumatic experiences. Just open the topic and try to see every now and then if you see an opening in him, a possibility that he might realise he has a problem. Otherwise it is hard to force him to seek for help, as you do not mention violence or anything like that, so you can't force him. Be gentle, there may be a volcano underneath. And yes, those who doubt you and think you cheat might actually have those things on their own minds or perhaps something happened in their pasts. Sorry that you are having to experience this.
If there are no signs of change at all, if he does not respond to the loving concern you are showing him through continued discussions you might really be better off starting to consider leaving. He sounds like trouble. He might be loving but in the end you want to be safe and in a respectful relationship. You know this. If you do leave just vanish. Ask for help, enlist your friends and family, move further away, totally out of sight. I hope it all turns out well for you whatever happens.
Wishing you the best of luck
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A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (5 January 2011):
 After reading all that it seems obvious to me that he is leading a double life, he can't trust you because he thinks you are doing the same. It's like he wants to control you , to keep you there in case the other woman falls flat and he's still got you. I think you should get out of this negative relationship. you are absolutely right that he should not be looking at your private emails and ringing your family up as to your whereabouts, this situation is not what normal couples do. You have put up with it for a long time and i think you now know what you must do. Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 January 2011):
 It sounds to me like you have it spot on, he is being over protective for the simple fact is i think he has been cheating on you. You need to get rid of him, no matter how hard you try to change him it will never work he needs a wake up call and the only way to do that is to finish with him. I no its a big step but it needs to be done, maybe then he can go and get help and possibly down the line he may decide that he doesnt want to lose you and go and get the help that he needs. But the only answer to your question is to finish with him, change your number, and all your passwords and dont contact him goodluck.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (5 January 2011):
 Here is exactly what you say to him, word for word...
"Man up, start treating me with some god damn respect or i'm GONE!!!"
He will keep doing this to you as long as you allow it to happen, so take action. If he doesn't man up, then leave him, he doesn't sound like a guy who is worthy of your time, energy, love and respect. So why the hell should he be able to walk all over you??????
Either he sorts it out, or you walk...
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