A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have never asked advice online before so here I go. I have been dating a girl for a year and a half now. I hav lied to her on countless occasions on stupid stuff. I am 31 and she is 40. She has 2 teenagers that live with us. We have always worked things out and I know that she loves me, and I love her. I havent lied to her for a long time now ,but we have had problems when we go to the bars and get drunk. We seem to fight when we get drunk. The other night we had a huge fight and things were said while I was very drunk, and I ended up leaving and getting a DUI. I was put in jail for 5 days.After that night she has pretty much told me that she didnt know if we have will make it, and she is not sure about her feelings, and is very bitter with me. I love her with all my heart and want to make things right. I want to marry her someday. We still live together and it would be very tough for her to make it on her own. do you think there is any chance that I can make this up to her and prove that I am ready to change? I dont know how to fix the mess I made and I love her very much. Any advice would be great.
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male
reader, mike jones  +, writes (17 May 2009):
the main problem there is your drinking fisrtly cut down on that and that will solve the arguments if u say u love her why lie to her a relationship is built on trust and truth.That would solve that part the next part is to get your relationship back on the road.realationships get torn down with a continous roll so do something diffrent from what u usually do. surprise her make her feel like u are giving her all of your undivided atention and things soult turn out great.
A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (17 May 2009):
 Whilst everyone has pointed out the issues with drink on your part and that of your partner's you don't actually say how often YOU drink and how often your partner drinks?
If it is on a daily basis that neither one of you can get through the day without it then you are both looking at being alcoholics, if it is binge drinking then you need to analyse why that is.
You say you have been together a year and a half and you have lied to her before, you don't actually say what the lies were? Was this about anyone else being involved in your life or whether it was drink or monetary issues. These are all added strains on a relationship that in my opinion is not a long term relationship yet.
How long was it before you started living together? Was that what put more pressure on you both or just you?
How does her teenagers react to you, are you silent in the background and let her reprimand them if there is any bad behaviour or do you get involved and she resents you for it?
Is there a father involved in these teenagers lives at all?
Getting the DUI is not the wisest of moves but it sounds to me like you were both off your faces at the time, was she with you when it happened?
Has the shame of you ending up in jail made her reconsider what she is doing with you in this relationship? Who knows, It would be a very cold person who didn't react in some way. She also has to consider the impact of those actions onto her kids as well.
Why do you drink? Why does she drink? Do you know the answers to that?
Yes, you will have to go along with what she wants you to do but you also have to get some outside help in my opinion, someone else said that you could work this out between you, in my opinion I don't think that is an option.
Why not spend what you would have done on drink by looking into getting some sort of counselling, whether that is couple counselling or alcohol related counselling (which I am assuming is possibly free), it is really up to you. You know whether you have real issues here or whether it is both of you that need to actually sit in a room with someone who is unbiased and who can teach you both how to listen to what the other person is saying rather than talking or arguing over that person. It is a skill that most of us don't have but believe me once you gain that skill it stays with you for the rest of your lives.
Prove to her that you want to be taken seriously by getting the information and discussing it with her quietly and calmly.
No one can put this right unless you are both prepared to work at it. It won't be easy and yes you may find that you have to give each other space to find yourselves again but in the long run isn't it better to have at least tried everything you can to make your relationship stronger than holding up your hands and saying 'I don't know what to do next'.
Get active and show her you mean business at putting you both back on track. Lies never solve anything they just end up hurting the other person or whoever is involved.
Keep us posted and remember shouting NEVER solved anything, listening on the other hand says a thousand words.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, PrincessSarah +, writes (17 May 2009):
 first of all, admiting you need help is good
however, you need to stop drinking as this is causing all of your arguments.
you love this woman, but you need to think what effect your arguing has on her children?
im suprised she has stayed with you after you lied to her and you two are constantly at each others throats
i think you should break up for a while and you should live with somebody else, when SHE is ready to talk then do so.
as of now, yes right now, stop drinking.
she'll see this and appreciate your effort. whatever you do, do not refuse to move out. even if she never wants to see you again. if you truly loved her you'd want her to be happy, right?
so, whether you like it or not, do what SHE wants. even if it hurts your pride now, you'll thank urself for it in the long run
all the best!
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A
female
reader, Original shiraz! +, writes (17 May 2009):
The best thing you could do is start a fresh with her, be really open and honest tell her exactally what she means to you and how your feeling however once you do this you always have to follow it up as i doubt shes going to believe you mean it. Everyone argues, more so when fueled with alcohol if this is the main cause of your problems then you should consider stopping? The odd drink is ok but getting so drunk and anrgry that you end up in jail? Thats crossing the line whatever the personal situation. The love you have for her is strong but i dont think she knows that. words come easy so show her you mean it. If you both want this to work then use the support of each other to get through it, itll bring you closer the more you come through together. Mistakes can somethimes be fixed as long as there not repeated. I dont think she wants to go it alone but shes not feeling anything from you right now all you do is drink and argue im sure shes doubting the relationship more than ever so nows the best time to take action. Youve accepted blame which is hard to do im sure shed apreciate that but you have to show it.
You say you used to lie, i think the issues lie a lot deeper and you may use alcohol to cover emotins or whats not there. Everyone has a past that alters their future but when it starts wrecking your future thats when you know something must be done.
A year and a half is a long time so dont let all the good go to waste on some of the bad. I think you complete each other so dont let what you have go.
best of luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2009): If the only problem between you is the pair of you fighting like cat and dog when you're both drunk, the only sensible answer would be to either cut back on the booze and drink sensibly or cut it out completely.
I can't see why this isn't obvious to you as well!
You're going to have to actually alter your drinking habits rather than just being ready to do so. Actions speak louder than words.
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