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*oghlaim
writes:Hi Everyone, Things in my life were difficult for a few years. Over the last year, life took a turn for the better and I'm so much happier now. I have got a better job, moved into a home of my own with my kids and built up a circle of friends again. I've also met this lovely man. We have so much in common. We talk for hours and spend so much time laughing. He is kind and considerate. It is still only a few months but I have hopes that this could be a good long term relationship.The problem part is how my family will react to his background. I love my family and they are good people. However, they hold very strong pacifist political beliefs. This man spent many years as a soldier and his family have a strong military history. Though he and I have different opinions on this, we are both happy to live with the difference. For us it's a relatively minor issue. It won't be for my family.The advice I need is how to explain this to my family without losing them. I'm also not sure about the timing of raising this issue. Help please!
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 December 2011):
 I second what Feralfox says. With a twist : I have two old relatives who were high ranking officers, got medals and all . Neither one is a power hungry , blood-thirsty monster,and one in fact is not even politically conservative, he's a leftist. They were just people with a strong attachment to their country and loyalty to its institutions and decided that a military career was the best way to protect and serve the people. Which, I may disagree with, but I deeply respect .
I call myself a pacifist too- but being a pacifist is about promoting and communicating a culture of peace, not about waging wars : not even against the military, or against people who has different ideas from yours. Peace is about dialogue,not confrontation. It's about inclusion, not exclusion, respect and not contempt. Basically , you show them by deeds and words, how and why peace is better than war, and you hope it catches :) and you believe it will, maybe not in then next half hour, but it will - you don't shove your ideals down other people's throat or bang with a hammer your peaceful ways in your opponents' heads.
Remind ( tacfully ) your parents about that, when they talk about not "accepting " somebody, or disowning their own daughter !, because of a difference in life visions .
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reader, Anastasia  +, writes (27 December 2011):
 Hi Foghlaim, I know it is very important to you that your family accepts this gentleman as your companion, but please understand that each person needs to live their own life love. While they might disagree with your choices, you are a grown woman with children and you are not living at their house. As a family I think that their beliefs should take a backseat to their political views, don't you think?In speaking to your parents, I would have them sit down, minus your friend. Just let it be the 3 of you or however many family members. Let them know that his man brings you great joy, companionship and laughter in your life. You are very fond of him and would like your relationship to be a long term one where he is welcomed in the family. Let them know that his family has deep roots in the military and he is a former soldier. Let them know upfront that the difference in both your beliefs have posed no problems or issues in your relationship and that you are confident that it won't as you have agreed to live with this difference amicably.Make it clear to them, that as a mark of respect, you thought you would let them know and that this it the person you have chosen to spend your time with based on his values, his personality and the joy he brings, not what he did as an occupation.Just remember....you don't need their blessing, it would just be nice to have. Your happiness is of paramount importance, and if he makes you happy...he does.Hope all goes well.Ana
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reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (27 December 2011):
Hi there. Is your boyfriend in the regular army?
And if so, I'm guessing that he does tours of duty in other countries where they are fighting all the time - like Afghanistan, Iraq etc.
This is his business and no-one else's. It's his life, and it's what he's chosen for himself.
Most people would prefer not to go to war, however in many cases more peaceful solutions seem unable to be reached - so then it becomes war, unfortunately.
This is the way of the world, sadly. It probably always will be.
So really, it's a case of your family accepting it - or not accepting it.
It's possible that what your family most object to about you being involved with a soldier, is that there is always the possibility that he will go away to war and not come back. And their greatest fear is that you will be left all alone to bring up your children - without their father.
I can understand that they feel that way, can't you?
They don't want you to be sad and all alone. They naturally fear the worst. They love you and want what's best for you.
You won't be able to change their mind, so there is no point in even trying to. That's what they believe, and you won't be able to convince them otherwise.
So it really comes down to their acceptance of your new man.
If they can see you are genuinely happy together and that he is a good man and treats you well, well then they might soften on their stand about the military life.
If you are happy with him, it's really worth it to take the chance on telling them the truth - right up front. Don't hold anything back.
And don't forget to say that he makes you very happy - that's important.
They might as well know from the beginning, rather than trying to hide it from them and then they find out months later.
Honesty is always the best policy. You can never go wrong by telling the truth. Don't lie to them or make something up, because it's not worth the trouble and pain it could cause.
It will also take a great load off your mind as well.
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reader, feralfox  +, writes (27 December 2011):
Well, I consider myself a pacifist. I think war is fundamentally wrong, no matter what, and I personally would never choose to date anyone who came from a military background under any circumstances. That being said, I come from a very politically conservative family and many of them have served in the military. I don't hold this against them. In fact, I respect them for the sacrifices they have made because it takes a lot of dedication and strength (emotional and physical) to do the jobs they do. And all under the notion that they are fighting for the betterment of the American people. Of course, if they were a high ranking official or the brains behind some of the major events, I would probably start a heated debate! But I know that their heart is in the right place, and they really believe that what they are doing is right. (I hope this doesn't sound condescending, I don't mean it that way! Just my personal beliefs)I guess what I'm saying, is that maybe your parents can't respect the principles of war, but hopefully they can respect your man on a personal level for the commitment and sacrifices he has made. If they can't do that, then they are just as narrow-minded as the conservative war-types they are so against. And anyways, it's just a job! It doesn't completely define who he is and I'm sure they will find other things to love about him, especially if he treats you well and truly loves you. All good parents just want their children to be happy and safe and loved.
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