A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I’ve been in a relationship for 6 years we have a 3 year old daughter together the relationship is pathetic between us there’s no affection he sleeps on the sofa does everything to avoid spending time with us it’s always me doing everything for our daughter he works full time to which he says his job is easy then he whinges if I ask him to put our daughter to bed or to hoover up every now and again he makes nothing but mess around the house and it’s left for me to clean up we never go on date nights which we planned to do once a month I’m just feeling really miserable and down I don’t feel anything for him anymore he doesn’t take care of himself anymore he’s always staring at other women in front of me I must of been a idiot for putting up with it for so long how do i end it without him turning all around onto me thank you Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 June 2018):
 I hope that you are okay and you will feel much better in time, I am happy to hear that you are putting yourself first.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2018): Thank you for the answers it was hard but I was miserable I’ve ended the relationship
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A
female
reader, litf  +, writes (9 June 2018):
You can suggest couples counseling, go to therapy yourself to figure out how to prepare for a separation or stay the way it is. If you are not married, the honest truth is that you probably could easily walk away but depending where you live you might have to set up a legal parenting agreement with the court for child support and parenting schedules.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (7 June 2018):
 You can't control how he acts or how he will re-act. All you can control is how YOU act and how YOU re-act.
Not sure what you mean by him "turning it around" on you but, whatever you mean, does it matter? What matters is that you are happy and your daughter is happy. If this is not the case, then extricate yourself from this relationship which is making you unhappy and begin a new chapter of your life. What your boyfriend does or doesn't do, or how he reacts, is not in your control.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (7 June 2018):
Off course he will try and turn it around on you, and he will probably believe it as well. If we asked him his side it would be very different. But none of that matters. What matters here is you are not happy with him any more. So the best thing to do for yourself is to end things and set up custody rights so that you both can still be good parents to your daughter. Remember that he might not be a good partner but don't stop him from seeing his child.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 June 2018):
 So what, if he turns it all around onto you ? Supposing that he might even have a point there ( after all, it takes two to tango and very seldom inlu one partner has 100% fault / responsibility for the failure if a relationship ) …
well, then ? Do you care ? Do you have to care ??
I don't think so.
You say you feel miserable. You don't feel anything for him anymore, and you realize that you are being snubbed by him and, worse, that he has been treating you like hus unpaid live in maid since years, rather than like his partner and companion. Let's add to this that he is such a distant, uninvolved father…. and one would think you 'd be raring to get rid of him, at any cost. No matter what he says, thinks and does.
Do what you have got to do and ignore what he may feel about the situation or what he thinks about it . After all, it's not like he gives a lot of consideration to what YOU feel and think , does he ?
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A
female
reader, holeymoley  +, writes (7 June 2018):
 Other than pissing you off, does it matter if you wish to end it and he turns it around on you? Know what you do is all you could and continue to focus on the big picture, that is where to from now and your Childs' wellbeing as well as your own. A good parent is a happy one, a happy person is one free from a miserable and draining relationship. Its hard to call it quits and there is no shame in thinking about self preservation. A square hole is always going to be a square hole so if 's not working it's time to move and look forward.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (7 June 2018):
 As Honeypie said, who cares if he tries to turn it around?
Get out of there, stop wasting time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2018): "how do i end it without him turning all around onto me"
You don't. You just end it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2018): It sounds like it would be fun to kick his ass to the curb, if you ask me.
Just make sure you get the legal ducks in a row for the child-support payments.
For the sake of argument, everyone contributed to the failure of the relationship. Your part was choosing the wrong guy. At least you got a sweet little baby-girl out of the situation.
All the evidence speaks for itself. Anyone who knows the both of you, knows how he is. Don't make up excuses to delay cutting him loose.
You gotta do what you gotta do! Wear your pretty boots when you kick his bum to the curb!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 June 2018):
 Does it matter if he CHOOSES to try and turn it around on you?
YOU know what the real deal is. He is USELESS as a partner. Yes, he works and bring home some money but other than that he has NOTHING to offer. No affection, no help, no support, and NO understanding of what a DAD/PARTNER should be like or what YOU need.
So what do you do? Well, for one, WHERE do you live? is the place originally his or yours?
If it's "yours" can you afford it by yourself?
If not, time to find a place YOU can afford by yourself.
You don't mention if you work or not (so sorry for assuming you don't) - if you don't it's also time for you to get a job. which means find day-care for the little one.
And for you to figure the whole child-maintenance process (not sure how that works in the UK).
And then after little one is put to bed, you tell him that you don't feel it's working for either of you and that you have decided to end things and be on your own.
He can "blame" you until the cows come home but the reality is, things aren't working. It's not ALL his fault and it's not ALL your fault. My guess is that you both kind of gave up a long time ago and have just been "basically" room mates because you share a daughter and out of habit. It's making you both miserable, and there is no need for that.
You can't CONTROL how he will react, feel, think or what he will say. So if he starts getting upset with you, make sure you have a plan to go stay with someone with you daughter. It might also be smart that you pack up things that are PERSONAL, valuable to you (like birth-certificates, picture, heirlooms etc. while he is at work and move them OUT of the house before breaking up with him. But of course don't take things that aren't yours.
Sometimes things just don't work. And since neither of you seem to want to make an effort the relationships has just slowly died.
Get your ducks in a row and get on with it. DO NOT focus on what he might say or think... that is out of your control.
Do what you feel is right for you and your daughter.
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