A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, this is less a romantic question and more of a coping question. Due to some mistakes I’ve made and struggles I keep having, I had to move into a homeless shelter. I’m going to call it The Haven and I want to make it clear that any names and places are made up for privacy. Right now, both my parents are dead and my younger sister lives in State Capital, about a two-hour drive away. While I did well with my problems for a year, I messed up again real big so she really isn’t speaking to me. My son lives with his paternal grandparents. Where I lived for the past year (a sober house I’ll call Lighthouse), I did great but I was not allowed to work. We spent all day in classes and all evenings in 12-step meetings. I moved out of Lighthouse and completed successfully, but there was no help in finding housing. I moved in with a man from the program I’ll name Andrew as he had been trying to help me the past three years. With new, sober eyes, I saw that renting a room with his was a bad idea. I gave him half of my plasma-donation money the first month and planned to until I got a job and I applied to many of them. I also helped to train his new puppy and kept the kitchen and bathroom clean. I also cooked. I reported ALL of this to welfare and was honest about everything and they did not take my food stamps so I was not committing any fraud there. I have been making it a point to do things honestly. When I did get a job, I was going to give Andrew 30% of my income, $100.00 a month to child support, buy my own bus passes, and save money to get my own apartment.Andrew began sexually harassing me and sabotaging anything I tried to do to be independent. If I woke up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom, he would wake up and yell for me to come into the bedroom (his) and sit and talk to him. I always said no, I was going back to bed. So then HE would get up and stand outside my bedroom door talking to me. For some reason, the light switch for my bedroom was in HIS room so he would turn on the light, blast the living room TV or try to get the dog into a barking frenzy – anything to keep me awake. He’d come into the bathroom when I was showering and remove my clothes and towel or come up with an excuse to start laundry so he could talk to me. He’d offer to hand me towels through the curtain and my clothes one piece at a time. He is retired so he’s around a lot and he refused to leave the house unless I went with him. Then he would drive around forever for absolutely no reason. This cut into job searching and things I needed to do. My bus passes would come up missing and he’d insist that as long as I lived there, I wouldn’t have to ride the bus. He wanted to drive. Basically, he didn’t want me out of his sight. When I was on the computer trying to apply, he would stand behind me and place his lands on either side of me so I couldn’t get out. If I wanted to scoot my chair back to go to the bathroom he’d be breathing in my hair. When talking, he’d put his hand really close to my breast so I’d better not move without being touched, “accidentally”. He’d make comments about how he liked my top or my jeans or anything. When I got rid of them and started wearing shapeless shirts, he’d offer to take me somewhere to get something “nice and sexy”. Yes, I told him to stop. Numerous times. He’d randomly need the computer as soon as I’d be in the middle of a job application and if I asked him to let me finish, he’d unplug the laptop. I get that it’s his computer but I always asked if I could have three hour-blocks a day uninterrupted and I’d try to do it when he was napping. He’d come up with excuses none the less. He’d hide my cell phone at every opportunity and have it shut off and ask why I didn’t use his ground phone so that people could reach me.That is why I moved into the shelter. I’ve been looking for work but so far, I haven’t had any luck. I have all my mail forwarded (again) to the shelter but he still has some, including my birth certificate which was mailed in a Sell Addressed Stamped Envelope. He refuses to give my mail back unless I come to him. I told him I was leaving and could I leave my stuff on his enclosed porch so I could find a place to store it. HE put it in his OWN storage and said I’d have to come to him. He’s all over Facebook talking lies about me and making me look really bad. He’s messaged my son with lies about me too. Basically, he’s pissed that I moved out. All my stuff is basically just stuff and it’s not sentimental. I kept two large garbage bags of the things I actually needed and they’re safely in totes here at The Haven. He’s told my son that I’ve been drinking again, called the cops numerous times stating that I was walking around various streets near The Haven or The Cafeteria and trying to prostitute. I’ve never prostituted a day in my life! He’s showed my picture to every corner store and grocery store and dollar store in the area telling them I’m a shoplifter and they’d better watch me. I can’t prove any of these things because it’s hearsay.I temporarily lost my foodstamps and Medicaid now because they’re investigating claims of welfare fraud and, of course, my information is in the mail at his house so I’m having a hard time proving with the originals that I was honest with them. I’ll be able to prove myself right but I would like to have my own food. I can eat at The Cafeteria but there’s a LOT of sex offenders, drug dealers, and people who want to con you out of anything you have. I know that not everyone at The Haven or The Cafeteria is like that, but I’m smart enough to watch myself. I’ve had plenty of offers to do various acts in various places for no reason at all. I’ve been called all sorts of names and accused of many things I didn’t do (by residents, not staff). I try to stay away from there. I use The Haven as a place to sleep, shower, and store my things. I “earn” my bed and meals by doing 15 Service Hours a week (thankfully in the house). I go to the classes I’m supposed to. They have it set up to where a van can take you to doctor’s appointments because they are VERY stingy with their bus tokens if you want to “buy” them with your points. It’s really just messed me up some. I’m doing the best I can but I’m really frustrated. I’m just asking for what I can do to cope because everyone around me seems to want to sabotage me. I’m afraid prospective employers will see my (misdemeanor) criminal record, lack of work record for two years, and recognize the address at The Haven and not give me a chance. I really just want to do the right thing and prove myself. Any ideas? Thank you for listening.
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female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (8 June 2018):
 It sounds like you did the right thing moving out from living with Andrew. It sounds like he wanted a romantic relationship with you and his behavior sounds controlling. If you need your post and documents, do you have a mutual acquaintance who could go round with you so you can retrieve them? Or are there staff at the shelter who could come with you or go for you?
As for your housing and job situation, it sounds like it's a good temporary solution, but you want to get out of there as soon as possible and get your own place in a shared house with good housemates, who respect your space and privacy, OR your own room in a bedsit, or your own small apartment. I don't know whether you can afford that without a job, but if you can, I'd look for that first so that you have a more "employable" address and so you are away from these not so savoury characters. You need to surround yourself with supportive people. Are there any nice people in the Haven? Nice staff members? Hang out with them and see if they can help you find a new home.
Meanwhile, continue with the 15 service hours and your classes. It's good to keep in a routine, similar to work. Keep applying for jobs, any job you could do, you need to start working and earning again to get to a better place in life. You have a criminal past but that is in the past and it doesn't define you. It sounds like you want to lead a good honest life now and earn an honest living and that is really great. Plenty of people have done things in the past that got them in trouble with the law but they have turned there life around and have gone on to achieve great things and lead a comfortable life now. You can do that. You will need to work hard to get to a better place. Focus on getting a job, a safe, good home, and good, supportive people to spend time with. This can often happen when you get a new job, you can make friends that way. Also, keep in touch with your family, your child and sister. Keep your chin up and keep fighting for a better life for yourself, and your child. Good luck x
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 June 2018):
 Honey am sure not everyone wants to sabotage you. You made a mistake by living with Andrew, but there is no point beating yourself up now. You don't need to defend yourself to anyone. The best thing you can do now is get rid of him from your life. You need to keep up with the classes and moving forward. Admit to your wrong doings and try and make a better future for yourself. Have you visitation rights to your son? Maybe keep in contact with him and his grandparents that could give you the strength to keep going and keep fighting. Fight for your rights if you have not committed fraud.
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