A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I am a 45 year old woman married for 18 years . The marriage has been more of a business relation tand there has been no sex or romance...there were a lot of family issues....i never thought of a divorce since i had basically accepted my social standing and also the platonic comfort this marriage had to offer. 3 years back i met a new colleague at work who is 15 yrs younger than me. What started as professional relationship developed into a full blown personal one. I felt guilty cos i was married and told my boyfriend that this wudnt work and that he will have to find someone more suitable. He always broke down and became hysterical whenever i suggested that i will have to leave him. I didnt want to ruin his life although both of us were extremely emotionally dependent on each other. Getting physically intimate with him would send me into guilt waves, and i tried to really minimize the physical part of it. I told him we shud try to keep it platonic.Last month my boy friend told me he wants to move on and had found someone on facebook. He showed me her pics and i must admit she was gorgeous and was equally educated .I wholeheartedly agreedthat he should move on. He decided to meet this girl and they spent a weekend together away from the city bonding and getting intimate. I TOTALLY FREAKED OUT. I was shattered and told him I needed to break up with him cos I just cudnt see this happening. I didnt ask him to dump her. He came over to me on monday morning and threw a fit saying he cudnt live without me and that i am going on my words...there was a lot of crying. He became completely insecure and apparently he had confessed to this girl about me towards the end of their rendezvous when i had texted him saying it is over between us. He is in a relation with her presently but wants me also to stay on desperately. I dont want to cos it is painful to see this. I love him but i cant do this. My love will suffocate him. How do I end this without hurting him?
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at work, divorce, facebook, insecure, move on, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 April 2017):
 I think you will hurt more than he does, you will feel more bitter because he is having a fulfilled relationship with someone else. Taking your affair out off the equation, why stay in a loveless marriage? Why agree to it in the first place? I think you should get divorced if the marriage is dead and focus on you and your life!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2017): I will counter your question with a few questions. Then you make your own decision about that. What you should do should be for you, not for that boy/man. You make no sense by showing so much concern for the young man's feelings; when he has already found himself a girlfriend. All you need to do is move on.
Do you love your husband at all? Do you try to please your husband and make him happy in any way, or do you simply accept whatever benefits and comforts he can provide you?
Your concerns about hurting the younger man as opposed to cheating on your husband are inconsistent and illogical. Why do you not care what impact cheating has on your comfortable and convenient marriage? You are gaining something by being with the man you married, or explain why you've stayed this long?
If you now need emotional-fulfillment and comfort is no longer enough; it's up to you to decide which is more important to you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 April 2017):
 I think YOU will hurt more than him but you NEED to do this. Don't have LONG drawn out conversations as to WHY you need to end it, just wish him well, tell him it's OVER and then BLOCK and delete ALL contact info.
If he shows up at your work or house DON'T engage in conversation.
He is ALREADY in a relationship with someone who HE sees a future with - keeping you around is NOT fair on the new woman, you or himself.
You can do it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate all the answers. I have a question for Wise owl. Will I be justified in divorcing my husband? The reason i stayed on in this marriage is not entirely due to the benfits it offered me, it is also cos I didnt want to be ungrateful by walking out on my husband...doesn't sound like tge best of situations.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2017): Breakups are supposed to be painful. They are the disconnection of an emotional bond. In this case, it sounds too much like a soap opera.
Your description of him comes across as an immature and indecisive boy. You are taking advantage of a marriage of convenience; and be that as it may, you justify having an affair as opposed to getting a divorce.
I somehow don't really believe love is involved in either of your relationships. If you really loved him; you'd divorce and make him a permanent part of your life. You don't love your husband, but you are content with the benefits and comforts your marriage provides. That's fine.
Karma will not allow you happiness or stability; until you learn how to include love in a relationship above the benefits and convenience you receive. Hurting him isn't really what you're concerned about. It's giving up your comfy arrangement of having a marriage with a man on the side. The discomfort is more on your part, now that he has another option. His outbursts are dramatic-performances staged for your sake. Proof in point, he and his new found beauty are still together. I think he's trying to let you down without looking like a jerk in the process.
He's young enough to get-over you in a matter of months; he has your ready replacement, and she's going to do all she can to help him do just that. This situation will correct itself with very little effort on your part; so you can relax and rest assured.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 April 2017):
 Oh he can't be that hurt if he is able to carry on a physical and emotional relationship with another woman while he is so , supposedly, attached to you.
He can wrap it up in tears and dramas, Bollywood style, but at the end of the day what HE wants is brutally simple , - to have his cake and to eat it too.
He is 30, right ? Young, but not a kid. High time for him to learn that the whole world does not revolve around him, and that he can't always get what he wants, NOR he should get it when it goes against the best interest, dignity and peace of mind of another person ( in this case , you ). Learning this lesson may come at the price of some disappointment, or discomfort - but it's still a precious one, and a mandatory one for types like your guy.
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A
female
reader, mad stacey  +, writes (4 April 2017):
Ending any relationship will hurt ,of course it will...but he will be ok in the end ...he wasn't that in to you if he was looking for another partner on facebook!! ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER!!! Time to move on
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