A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I never see ages gaps as a problem but now I'm doubting that maybe we are at different stages of our life. I took some time to realise university is what I wanted and when I started my first year my partner had completed his and is 4 years ahead on his life journey. Even though that's a small gap it seems like we both want different things and still want each other. I feel like we are not holding each other back from what we want next - he wants children and I want to get my foot through the door of my career. He despises me socialising with anyone especially males which is difficult considering my degree is 85% males. I allowed myself to be isolated in a previous realationship and now I'm concerned that It might be happening again. I don't want to look back and think I wish it was different and I don't want him to have to put his wishes on hold for me.. Should I be able to have male friendship groups? Should I understand his needs and fulfil them? Is there really such thing as being at 'different stages' ?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 April 2017):
 Yes people can be at different stage in life but it doesn't sound like that is the case with you and your boyfriend. It just sounds like you want different things. Do not allow any man to make you feel isolated. Off course you should be able to have male friends, that is where trust comes in. If their is no trust in a relationship it is never going to work out.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2017): I'm guessing you're a similar age to each other because you say you took a while to decide about uni and so by the time you started he was finished. Nothing wrong with that at all! I started my degree at 22, I'll be 27 when my first child arrives. There is no rush for children and you're being quite sensible to get your studying out of the way! On my degree were women with young children and to balance parenting and studying often with a job too to tide then over for income was difficult for them! People can definitely be at different life stages and a relationship can't really work, no matter how well you both get on, when both of you want different things. If you're focusing on your life and he is waiting for kids resentment could build and equally if you're pressured into having kids sooner than you're happy to or are frequently asked about starting a family you could become resentful too. Him asking you not to socialise with men, or getting funny about it, is not healthy. So that's something else to bear in mind, a trusting and healthy relationship will now let petty insecurities creep in. So you both need to have a chat about what you both want in life and from the relationship. While talking you both might realise you want different things and that the relationship is coming to a natural end. It won't be easy but it might be the outcome. Or you might chat and your partner may have not realised his behaviour about you socialising was unnecessary and he may not be in a rush to have children if he knows you want them in 5 years, he may feel he is happy to wait. Whatever happens, you both need to have a heart-to-heart.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2017): A word of caution. Abusive and controlling men are often VERY keen for their girlfriend/wife/partner to have children because that then ties their girlfriend down and it stops them from being able to live their own life i.e. mixing with other men. It also usually means that she is dependent on him for everything and that means that she is much more easily controlled. This man is displaying very worrying behaviour. Read about abuse and educate yourself about the tactics that they use. Getting you pregnant as soon as poss is one of them. Trying to isolate you from everyone is another. Sweeping you off your feet and working quickly to establish a connection that seems too deep too quickly is another. There are countless others. Learn about them and then you'll know what to look out for, but this man has shown ME enough that he is someone to stay away from. Good luck
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (4 April 2017):
I'm not sure about "different stages" in this case. I think it's just a case of a jealous and controlling boyfriend. You say that he despises you socialising with ANYONE (but males especially).
You are perfectly entitled to have male friends and acquaintances. I'm sure he spent his university years socialising and enjoying friendships so why shouldn't you. You shouldn't pander to his insecurities (aka "understanding and fulfilling his needs"). No-one should dictate who you can be friends with.
Now, I have a sneaky feeling that you might have posted before (forgive me if I'm wrong)...
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-boyfriend-doesnt-want-me-going-out-with.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-verbally-abusive-consequences-of-leaving-him-concern.html
If this IS you, please leave this guy..... he's manipulative and controlling.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2017): You will never get this time of your life back. Embrace it. Enjoy it. Do not let anybody else keep you from being social and having fun. If he cannot handle you being friends with males (I.e.does not trust you) then how will he be when you have a career and you have to socialise with men as part of the work place? Will you let him keep you from work social events or from being business partners or colleagues with males? And yes, you can be at different stages of life. I don't think this always correlates with age though. Two people the same age could also be at different stages. Two people with big age gaps could be ready for the same step in life. So don't let this put you off dating people of certain ages,as it is definitely individual. You could aim for someone your age and still end up not being on the same page about these things.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 April 2017):
 I'm with N91, DEFINITELY.
And I can say that because I'm on my late 40's so I have BEEN through a few of them already.
I had a LOT of male friends in my preteens, teens and 20's - the neighborhood I lived it was mostly boys my age. I have been able to keep a lot of these friendships for over 30 years now. Mainly I think because they have ALL been STRICT platonic friendships. I think having friends of BOTH genders is good and healthy. I have also ALWAYS introduced and included my partner in social events and hang out with my group of friends. So it worked out for me.
I don't believe a partner/BF/GF has the "right" to dictate who you friends are and who you get to hang out with. I DO think if you keep EXES around as "friends" you are complicating your relationships but exes are a whole different ballgame than PLATONIC friends.
You BF is 4 years older so he MIGHT be ready for a more "mature" relationship that includes kids, however... YOU are not there yet. Should he wait for you? Or should you ONLY follow his wishes? NEITHER. While he might be a great partner I don't think he is a good match for you right now. You are in your early-mid 20's - this is where you GROW a lot - careerwise, emotionally and intellectually - isolating yourself is not a good thing. Isolating yourself because a partner is INSECURE is even worse.
What you also need to consider is that it's NOT just about an age gap here. He might have been raised a VERY different way than you. We ARE products of the environment we grew up in. He might not only be on a different "page" than you, he might be in a totally different "book" or "genre" per se.
Sit down and have a think. WHAT are your goals and how do you plan to achieve them. PUT yourself first here.
Then TALK to him so he KNOWS what "book" you are in, what YOU want to do with YOUR life, if he can't reconcile your wishes and dreams with his own, MAYBE you two are not for each other.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (4 April 2017):
 Yes I think so definitely.
Two people can care about each other massively but want different things just as you've described.
I think your BF is being very controlling if he's trying to stop you speaking to male friends. He has NO SAY AT ALL who you speak to and you need to make sure he's aware of that.
If you don't want kids yet that is fine, but I think you guys need to think about the future. Are you as compatible as you think? Just because something feels like it's working and is right doesn't mean it is. You know he wants kids now so how long will he wait? How long will you put up with him asking for kids?
I think you two need to discuss what the future holds for you both and decide where you want to go from there.
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