A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:There's a woman I've known since we were 16 (we're 24 now) and I've always found her attractive, though we've never been close friends. Always just acquaintances. She was always in a relationship while I've always been highly focused on my career. But now she's engaged to be married to a man she's been with for almost four years, and she seems quite unhappy. (In passing, she's mentioned his hours are crap and he's very pessimistic.) Although she doesn't talk about her fiance a lot, she does ask me lots of questions via text and always has about the same answer as me. I don't know what her deal is really, maybe she does just want to be friends. I like her a lot and would probably make a move if she was single, but I'm not the type to do that to another bloke.I'm starting to really fall for her and lord knows I've tried preventing this but she's just so easy to talk to. She's absolutely hilarious, always speaks her mind, she's become so much more than the weird little, punk bird that she was in secondary. She's quite charming, too. fNow, I've tried getting with other girls, especially recently as I don't want to screw shit up for my friend and her fiance, but no one's captured my eye nor my heart. Not like she has in recent years. I will say this, though, our schedules are so different we quite literally never see each other. We've just always been able to communicate via text and obviously the relationship has gotten this far.My question is: how do I get out of this inevitable mess before it explodes in my face? To be honest, I don't think I could stop talking to her, she really is a great person. And although I'd love to date her and get to know her even better, she IS with someone and I'm going to respect that. This situation is just bollocks. Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2014): She is NOT MARRIED YET! So I think you should speak your mind, and see where it goes. If she doesn't respond the way you want it to be, then start cutting down your communications until it completely halts. And find someone who will love you just as much as you love them.
A
female
reader, maisy1 +, writes (12 May 2014):
How can you be in love with someone you have never known closely? OP this is a crush, infatuation. Being in Love - proper, grown up, sensible, real world love, takes a lot of time being close to someone. Seeing someone regularly and getting to know there personality in real life, seeing how they react to others and in different situations. Its about spending time assessing someone and seeing how they are in good times and bad, how they treat you and how they treat your friends and family.All of which is alien to you OP. You are crushing on someone you don't really know much in the real world. Texts are not a true reflection of a persons personality. She might be, say, supportive of you in a text and say kind words, but she doesn't have to do anything to actually help you. Same on here: Im typing these words to help you out, but I wouldn't drive to your hometown and pick you up if your car broke down as I don't know you. She might be charming when she texts you but I bet you there are plenty of days that she doesn't text you when she is in a foul mood. Plenty of times she has been nice to several friends via text but you think its some kind of exclusive "niceness" because its what you want to believe.You need to get on with your own life and let her focus on her fiancé. I would advice against Jamilla's advice as telling her how you feel is likely to end in embarrassment at best, as she will say she is to be wed and can only be friends, or she will get involved with you and you will have a nightmare on your hands. Not sure where Jamilla thinks her fiancé and wedding is going to evaporate to if you reveal your hand. She might not have signed on the dotted line but good grief cancelling a wedding, standing up a groom and so forth is not good! The consequences you could face would be horrible. She would have to explain, possibly to several hundred guests, that the wedding is off, her fiancé would come after you, her parents or whoever is paying for the wedding loose there cash and you and her barely know each other. Plus if your relationship hit trouble she would blame you for spoiling her chance at being happy. Please do yourself and this couple a favour and move on!
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (12 May 2014):
 "...and she seems quite unhappy. (In passing, she's mentioned his hours are crap and he's very pessimistic.) "OP you need to bear in mind that anyone young who is soon to be married will naturally have doubts, worries, anxiety, etc. You also need to recognize that as you have developed feelings for this woman, its only natural for you to subconsciously WANT her to be unhappy with her fiancé to give you hope she might leave him and therefore clear a path for you. You are not looking at her relationship with her fiancé in an objective way, you will focus on any minor criticism of her fiancé she offers you and dismiss the positives she gives you about him. When she acts charming and overly to you, as she may well do to everyone, then of course anyone in your situation would try to convince themselves that she feels the same way towards you.Its also completely normal to feel sad that you have some much love to give someone you cannot be with, that it feels an injustice that the man she is marrying is not perfect in everyway towards her. Also you will focus on any flirting, praise or funny comments she gives you and WANT them to mean she likes you.From the way you have described her she is a fun, bubble, outgoing person who probably treats all her friends the same as she does yourself. She probably sees you as a long tem friend, as 8 years is an eternity when your young, who she can trust and rely on. You may be an outlet for her when she feels slightly overawed by the fact she is soon to be commiting to someone big time and enjoys the freedom of chatting to someone she hardly sees. If you don't spend much time face to face flirting and telling of secrets becomes a lot easier as you don't literaly have to face that person afterwards. I can be VERY flirty to female friend via text but be quite the opposite face to face.You really don't want to get involved emotionally and if she gets sucked into that then it will end very badly. If she does start flirting with you or initiating/responding to you in anyway other than friends then maybe she isnt the person you think she is? If she DOES do that, and there's no reason to think she would, but if she does she would be a cheat and would be deceiving her fiancé. If she would be willing to do that to someone she is committed to then she could do the same to you. Don't forget that as well as everything else that happens when someone cheats, the wedding is probably paid for by now. These two people think they are to be spending the rest of their life together so please don't come between them. You need to move on from this and the only way realistically is to stop contact with her. It will be hard and upsetting but you need to move on and cant do that with her constantly texting you with messages that make you miss her more and more. That way you will be able to get to the stage of feeling very strongly for other women. When we are young and in love with someone who is taken we usually think we will never feel the same ay again. In truth time is a good healer and the same emotional charge can be found with someone new, someone single. You say you are just acquaintances and never been close friends. If that's the case then please consider the fact that you only see one side of her. The text persona. She could well be very different when you get to know her closely. In fact its often the case in situations like yours that you fall in love with an idealist version of the person. You fill in the blanks with what your ideal version of her would be like.
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A
female
reader, jamilla  +, writes (12 May 2014):
hello! as for my opinion, you can always try and see what will happen rather than keeping your feelings to yourself. With that,you must be ready to face the consequences but that would be better other than having 'what if' on your mind.Be brave enough and speak your heart to her.you can do it!Yes, she's engaged but still,not yet married :)You don't know what will happen unless you do something and move :)
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A
male
reader, RevMick +, writes (12 May 2014):
 Hi,Why would you have fallen for someone you yourself describe as never friends only acquaintances? Lot's of people are good to talk to, but you wouldn't dream of falling for them.I think you need to stop texting, sexting or whatever it's called and get on with your own life, without being a sounding board for someone elses relationship issues.
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