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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: hi everyone i need some help and some of you might think i'm a cow. but here it goes i have a 3 week old baby that the dad only saw 3 times since her birth. to me i think he is a dick he can't see her beacuse its messing with his new relationship which started shortly after i got pregant.now i have no probs him seeing the baby its just he never turns up and he can get a bit abusive if things don't go his way etc so here my question: how do i disapear with my little one so he can't find us. or how can i stop him from seeing her. its jus she doesn't need that in her life and i will do anything to protect her. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, natasia  +, writes (11 April 2011):
 I understand how you feel. Your daughter is your most precious little one, and he has been 'relaxed' to say the least about his responsibilities towards her. Add to that, he can be abusive. I know why you think she would be better off without him all together, and I'm sure you would be.
The thing is, you have also got to think of her right to know her father, whoever he might be. I think what you need to do here is not to disappear, really, but more to establish exactly, in black and white, what his involvement is.
The way the law looks at it, you and him don't have any 'rights': you only have responsibilities - towards your child. So he doesn't have any special right to a relationship with your daughter, but she does have a right to be loved and supported by both of her parents.
I know that is a bit of a nonsense, as he left you when you were pregnant, and is now popping up erratically as the new 'father' - I would also, as the mother, feel pretty annoyed with him. I know you also feel scared of him, and scared for your daughter - you don't want her to get attached and/or ever to be in a position of vulnerability where she could be exposed to his abusiveness.
I think you probably need to visit a family lawyer, just to see where you stand. If you don't acknowledge him as father on the birth certificate, that is probably the safest thing for you, because then he doesn't have parental rights such as being able to make decisions about your daughter's life and/or take her if anything happened to you. You can at any point add him to the certificate, but it is probably best for now not to put him on there.
There are lots of things to consider, but I think you need legal guidance. Your daughter should know who her father is, and should have the chance to have a relationship with him, but I agree with you that there shouldn't even be the slightest chance of him being able to harm her (I mean emotionally, by being unreliable and/or being abusive, even if just to you and she knows about it). You need proper help here.
And personally, I don't think you should feel you are being 'mean' to him - he sounds pretty useless, and you are the one who has borne your child, and who has full responsibility for her. Well done for being there for her : )
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (11 April 2011):
 Your best bet would be to get a lawyer ( you can look into a pro bono) and draw up papers for him (the dad) to sign over his rights.
However, he will ALWAYS be her Dad.
Now be honest are you wanting to disappear to punish him for starting a new relationship or because you are scared of him?
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (11 April 2011):
 Look - the best thing for your daughter is to have her dad in her life. It is not up to you to decide if he is a good enough father or not - fact is that children need 2 parents, their mum and their dad. And here you have a dad, who might not be the greatest, but at least he is seeing his child once a week.
If you were to disappear, that would be very wrong and would be the worst thing you can do for your child. You might think he is a dick and chances are he is, but to your little girl - that is her daddy and she will love him regardless of how he treats you. You need to put your daughter first and think of what she needs, and she needs her dad.
Imagine when your little girl gets older and she asks 'why dont I see my daddy' and the answer is 'because mummy ran away and stopped him from seeing you' - imagine how that will make her feel? She will resent you forever for taking her daddy away from her, you will never have given her the chance to make her mind up for herself about her dad and decide on her own whether SHE wants her dad in her life or not. This is not your decision to make - you have to stick around and let him see her, otherwise if you run away it will affect your relationship with your daughter later on in life.
But in terms of his visitation and anger issues - see a lawyer/solicitor and get some legal advice. What you need to do is draw up an access/visitation plan that both you and your ex agree to, and then it is binding by law that he does what he has agreed to. This will cover the financial help he provides you with, the access he has to the child and it can also cover his behaviour around you (hence if he gets angry he will be in breach of the plan).
Try and seek legal advice, and explore all options before you do something so terrible as taking your daughter away, by the sounds of things the dad has not done too much wrong yet so dont be so irrational. The child is only 3 weeks old and he has seen her 3 times - once a week is not bad really. So keep calm, and try and work it out with your ex before you do something silly and affect your child massively in the process.
You need to try your best to make sure your daughter has her dad around, you need to be able to tell your daughter in the future that you tried for months, years even, to make sure her dad was around but it was his choice not to see her. If you take her away after only 3 weeks, you are not giving the dad a chance and your daughter will blame you in the future because you just ran away without trying to sort this out. Having a dad is critically important for a child, so you need to put 100% into trying to sort this out before you give up and run away.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011): He's seen the kid once a week since you had the kid, and you're saying "he can't see her...". It sounds like you're not in a relationship with him, yet he's seen the kid weekly.
I think you're trying to use a geographic to avoid resolving issues with the kids dad.
If he is a serious risk, then there are ways to move, change your name, you SS# and make it harder for him to find you. But if you have family he can find it's virtually impossible to completely disappear, unless you're willing to cut all ties with ALL (every single) family member and friend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011): Unless he is a danger to the child you really can't do much about it if he wants to be in her life. Be sure you aren't letting your dislike for him interfere with your daughter's right to have her father in her life. This will only bite you in the butt later and harm your daughter in the long run, wondering why her father never cared enough about her. leaving her with self esteem issues and more. If he is a danger to your daughter, then I would go through the courts for it to get his rights removed, but first gather your evidence against him. Just because he is a "dick" with you, doesn't mean he will be a bad father. I know you may have bad feelings about him now, but keeping her away from him because he isn't nice to you isn't protecting her. My ex wasn't always nice to me, in fact he has been verbally abusive to me in the past, especially during the break up part. but he is actively involved in our children's lives. At first I had my concerns about it, but I watched carefully and now 5 years later, I wouldn't dream of taking my kids away from their dad because they need that in their lives. And he now helps me with the kids, so I can get a break from time to time. I don't know the whole story, so only you can really evaluate it. If he is a danger to her, then do all you can to protect her. If he isn't, then try to put your feelings aside for your daughter's sake.
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A
female
reader, Larissalover1  +, writes (11 April 2011):
 my honest answer would be to either call police or take it to court... or just move. dont tell anybody but the people who are close to you that you are moving. you may LOVE it where u live and all but if this man is being a deadbeat father (and an abuseive one at that) you should get away.
i really hope i help :S
-rissa
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