A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:In Janury 2017, my beloved girlfriend suddenly passed away unexpectedly. We had been dating for nearly six years at this point, and serious talks about moving in together and our future were underway. It took me a few months of hard grief to get myself back to a state of "new normal" where I was able to actually enjoy life again and think forward to my own future without her. But through it all, I've kept my love for her close to my heart and have used it as a source of strength and comfort in those moments that anyone who's lost a loved one to death experiences. I often would tell myself that the life I'm living is truly our life, I'm just doing it for her and for us in her honor.A week ago, I was chatting with friends online and one of them mentioned that he'd met someone who had known my GF. He asked if I'd like to talk with that person because he knew her and maybe we could swap some stories. I agreed. The other guy joined the voice chat group, and it turned out it was a guy I had met once or twice while my GF was still alive. She had introduced him to me as a friend a few months prior to her death. I did know that my GF and this man had spent some time together as friends because she told me so. I trusted my GF completely and had no reason to assume she would be dishonest...There was probably a good hour's worth of conversation leading up to this point - some about my GF, some not. Around this point, the topic of sex came up - not specifically my GF, but in general, and I started laughing, remembering some of the really funny conversations my GF and I had about sex. I told the group that I was amused because I was remembering these conversations. (I did not mention anything about our actual sex life) And then, suddenly, out of nowhere, the other guy dropped a bombshell:"Yeah, one time when I had sex with (my GF's name) we couldn't stop laughing because I fell off of her sideways."You know that feeling of something exploding within you, and time standing still? That would describe the next minute or so. I was completely speechless. The others in the chat immediately started to berate this guy, saying that such a comment was a horrible thing to say. For a short while, he stood by his assertion, naming specific days (after the day I met him) during which he would have been with her. My other friends, many of whom knew my GF, were on my side, and told this guy to stop lying and trolling and get lost. The other guy then left the chat. Nobody's heard from him since.Since that time, I've been swimming in a sea of emotions. As I said, I 100% trusted my GF. There was no reason at all to believe there might have been any infidelity. I have lived my life with the belief that her and I would have been together long-term and that, had she not died, she'd be here with me today. The trust and love of our relationship is largely how I was able to work my way through the grieving process. With a single tactless comment, the entire foundation of my grief and our relationship had been called into question.I've done a lot of thinking and talking with friends and family about this. My friends and family all believe that this guy completely made it up and nothing happened. Among their reasons for this are: this has never come out before (people do talk and one would think this would have come out somewhere before now), it was said with no tact and so abruptly, that the guy got extremely defensive and hostile when his statement was challenged, and that people who had observed my GF and I together had no reason to believe there was any trouble in paradise. But no matter how much I try to remind and convince myself that she loved me and that she couldn't possibly have done this, the nagging doubt has been planted. I have been feeling some of the same grief feelings I felt back when she first died, now topped with an extra dose of confusion and anxiety. On one hand, I believe my GF was true and real, and that there is no way she could do something like this to me. On the other hand, we often do hear of cheaters who successfully pul it off for months or even years. With her being gone from the world, this also feels like a huge insult to her memory, which I have carried with me for so long now.I'm having a really hard time coping with this new level of grief. I feel like I have two extremes: one is that I end up believing that she did cheat on me and then I feel all of the despair and pain of that situation, and the other is that I believe that she did not cheat and that this guy is full of it, but that's resulting in me just missing her and wanting so much to be able to talk to her again and clear all of this up. Is there any hope for me returning to the state where I was before last week, when I could think upon my GF with happy memories and a sad smile, but then go on with life in her honor and memory? I'll never be able to truly know whether anything happened, and this question will always remain unanswered for me, and it feels like it's never going to be resolved for me. At least the first time around, I had the certainty (in my mind) of our love to hold me up and recover from, but now I feel like the very foundation I built my recovery on is crumbling and failing, and I can't stop it, and I'm going to end up even more alone than I was when she first died. Help?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2019): I'm so sorry. What a beautifully written post. You sound like a lovely man who had a fantastic relationship with a wonderful woman. You know what you had, that was real and your love for each other was real. You KNOW that.
Personally I have had a man lie to my friends and tell them he had sex with me, when he never got anywhere near me! And Honeypie's right... no-one in their right mind would just drop this statement into the conversation you were having without knowing the havoc that it would cause. He is therefore an arsehole...FACT...and that makes it incredibly likely that he is doing this to just hurt you.
Remember the genuine love that you had for one another. The wonderful time that you spent together. She loved you and you know that. Nothing changes that. Certainly not some vile creature behaving in a sub-human manner.
All the best. Sending you hugs and kisses and peace xxx
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (16 October 2019):
 My impression of the other guy? Sounds like someone who so desperately wanted to be "part of the group/conversation" that he went completely over the top. Perhaps he WISHED he had had the opportunity to have sex with your girlfriend. Perhaps he had fantasized about it to the point it became almost real to him. As he was friends with your girlfriend, he probably wished for more. Once the words were out of his mouth, there was no going back. Sadly I doubt you would ever be able to get him to admit to that, as that would mean losing face in front of his friends.
I know it is much easier said than done, but try to forget what he said. Don't dishonour your girlfriend's memory by taking away the trust you had in her while she was alive. Nothing has changed. Don't question your own judgment.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 October 2019):
 I'm sorry for you loss.
My thoughts are as follows. I don't think it matters if she cheated (yes I know cheating IS bad and I'm not a fan of it either) BUT it doesn't CHANGE what you had together. IT really doesn't.
With that said, I think he was lying. I think he was a friend who wanted more. Someone who go friend-zoned. And not only that... I think he is a toxic person. WHO in their RIGHT MIND would blurt this out in a group chat with people HE doesn't really know all that well? To what end? If not just to lash out at YOU, because SHE was yours and you were hers. NOT his.
Anyone with an OUNCE of respect for your loss, your grief, HER (and you) would have kept his mouth shut EVEN if it HAD happened. Because NOTHING good could come of telling you this. If he had been with her and felt guilty of missed her, HE could have gotten in touch with you PRIVATELY.
The conversation you describe VERY much sounds like a person who was jealous and lashed out, rather than a confession or wanting to unburden himself to you.
IF you think this ONE thing, that may or may not have happened, changes what you had with her, WHO she was WITH you, TO you, with her friends and family, then I think you are wrong.
I get why it hurts. The awful truth is you will NEVER know the truth 100% because she can't defend herself OR confess to you. So WHY not GIVE yourself the "closure" and believe that SHE loved you. Nothing else matters. Carry that with you in your heart, not UNSUBSTANTIATED slander.
Like WiseOwlE said, no matter what FORGIVE her, (for doubting your love or for making a mistake, perhaps) and him (for either lying or being a dick) - not for them, but for your sake.
Let it rest. Holding on to this will do you NO good. And be mindful of whom you share your grief, memories and joy with. Not everyone is WORTHY. HE certainly isn't.
Light a candle for her and think of the good you shared. Forgive her and let it go.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (16 October 2019):
 Aww..hugs to you OP. I hope that you have many happy memories of your girlfriend to hold on to. Saying that, I would suggest that you hold on to what you know of your girlfriend and ignore what the man said about her. I cannot say for certain but he certainly sounded like a troll. People can sometimes be so cruel and not care that their words can be like knives going into a person's heart. Embrace the memories of the woman that you knew and let go of any doubts that you might have. The truth is that you cannot ask her and you can't trust the words of a stranger. Thinking about "what if" will keep you up at night and drain you..is it worth it? The words of a stranger? I sincerely doubt it. Believe in what you had and let it go. Peace to you sweetie.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2019): I am very sorry for your loss. You shouldn't let a misguided comment completely change your impression of your relationship. You can't assume what the guy said is true; and your girlfriend isn't here to defend herself. Perhaps there was a moment of weakness, and maybe it never happened.
Your girlfriend has a sterling reputation among all your friends, and that's all that matters. You can't let some guy come along and taint your memories; and bash you while you're still grieving.
I lost my beloved companion of 28-years to cancer. During the time we were together; the first five years, I caught him cheating...I mean in the process! Being very young, I was able to forgive him and move-on; but he did everything from that point to regain my trust, and make it up to me. The love is as strong in my heart as it ever was, but there's someone new in my life. That relationship is now a closed-chapter; and whatever rises to the surface now is irrelevant.
I never place anyone up on pedestal. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt; and I'm cautious about gossip and hearsay. I never believed my partner was perfect; and I only know of one instance of cheating. For all I know, it could have recurred dozens of times thereafter.
My memory remains untarnished by rumors or anything else; because he left me with a memory of unconditional-love, and that's really all that matters. If someone comes out of nowhere with a story, I'm not going to give them the power to destroy my memory and experience of true-love.
I only go by what my experience was up until he was no longer in my life. If something awful suddenly surfaces, it won't change a thing...unless he murdered someone, or turns out to be a traitorous spy. It would have to be pretty serious! Cheating would be hurtful, but not devastating. He's passed-away! That's hurtful enough! It took me time to be able to live without him. The grief was shattering! His death was sudden!
Do your best to rest your heart on the love she left within you. If she cheated, there is nothing that can be done about it now. If he was lying, then you let yourself get all flustered and upset over nothing but hearsay. You have no proof; and if it is true, it's buried with her. Cherish the memories, and forgive her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2019): Does she have a best girl friend? I think you need to get in touch with someone with the inside story and explain your situation. I understand how at this point you just want the truth and you deserve the truth.
Who is the friend who added this other guy to the chat? Maybe he has some insight? Why did he want you two to talk? Are you sure the other guy was ACTUALLY the person (the friend) with whom you were introduced, or was it some random troller?
I would want to talk to this guy making the allegations one on one...maybe over the phone (not messenger).
It seems that, even if it WERE true, why would he want to say this to you and hurt you? He obviously WANTS to hurt you, which to me makes me suspicious of his motives and prone to think he is just a troller. Maybe he had a crush on her and she rejected him.
On the other hand, people do sometimes cheat. Was she afraid you weren't going to commit to her? After 6 years at your ages I would certainly be wondering why I weas just a girlfriend. That feeling can drive people to do things they can regret. Did you have frequent arguments?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2019): What I'm a little miffed at is why did your friend want you to have contact with this man, was his intentions innocent?
If I am honest I think a lot of stories come out when a person passes away and let's be honest here your girlfriend cant accept or dismiss what he said . You could easily have a man who was simply jealous of your relationship or he could be telling the truth, either way he seems to be sticking to what he said and if pressed again would probably maintain it happened.
I have had men in my past (friends) who have bragged behind my back that slept with me when truth is they didnt get so much as a kiss, so yes people are capable of lying, nothing as queer as folk!
Personally I wouldn't press or ask anyone else because you're simply not going to know the absolute truth now. You loved your girlfriend and you trusted her, just keep that memory and honestly refrain from sharing memories with anyone you dont know from Adam, especially ones in a position to taint that, it could be a man scorned and not the truth, you will never know now!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2019): The guy sounds like he waas deliberately trying to upset you and that makes me think he was lying. There are all kinds of awful people in the world and some of them are the kind of person who will troll a grieving spouse (i know you weren't married but 6 years and a future planned, what's the difference?). The thing that is difficult for you now is that you can't look to your partner and put this silly rumour to rest. It's knowing that you'll never be able to know for sure that is eating you up. But you do know for sure. You knew her, you knew your relationship. The guy is just some asshole you barely know and why would you take his word?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2019): firstly I'm sorry for your loss. I can only imagine what it's like to lose your partner. secondly from what I can tell this is typical troll behaviour and while you may never hear the truth from her lips, you may hear it in the words of your mutual friends and the memory of your GF.you knew her better than anyone and so did your friends. I personally don't think this person can be believed. no one in their right mind would so casually bring up this alleged cheating in such a manner, therefore i would be convinced it's a sad nasty troll who's probably now moved on to try and cause trouble in someone else's life. dont let this slime ball sour your memories and the love you hold for that special person. x
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