A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ever since I dated my husband he would tell me all these crazy stories how his mom tried to hook him up with fat white chicks (preachers daughters) in the past. I’m not white and I think she hates me because I’m not. She’s one of those people who sing in front of church and her group even got Christian music albums (not popular). We cannot day “shit” or any bad word at her house but she got no problem saying “nigger” when she talks about other people. I’m so uncomfortable being around her and my husband swears to God that she’s not racist and that she got a lot of black friends at church. I wonder if she just don’t like me because I’m not white and not a preacher’s daughter. I don’t talk to anyone about her behavior because I don’t what people to think low of my husband.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2019): I owe no one an apology and I stand by what I said, defending this MIL who is racist and denying and minimising her behaviour is propping up white supremacy and is racist in and of itself.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 October 2019):
 I'm with Tisha,
If she doesn't use the N-word around her black friends at church, but around the house when YOU are around then she probably is racially biased.
Trying to set her son up with a white Christian woman (fat or not) is not about racism, but her hoping that it would be someone SHE will have more in common with and perhaps a notion that a "white Christian woman" makes for a proper wife.
Not wanting words like shit said around her house, I get, WE don't really swear in my house, my kids (even my oldest at 19... ASKS permission before using a swear word.. They are, however, VERY "creative" with other words.... But why saying something as offensive as "n-word" is OK at her house makes he think that she is BAITING you... trying to start drama with you. Get you riled up. Trying to make you LOOK bad in front of your husband/her son.
Yes, I think she doesn't like you much. Maybe she feels you are wrong for her son for whatever reason (including the color of your skin) maybe she doesn't like you for other reasons, like you attitude (or whatnot ) (NOT saying that you have a bad attitude, I don't know you OR her).
Your MIL sounds like she is still living in the 1950's.
My advice? LIMIT the time you spend around her. EXPLAIN to your husband that you don't feel welcome in her home when she slings around words like "n-word" and that you don't feel you OWE her your company. IF he wants to visit her, it will be on his own. And STICK to it.
YOU can't change her. Calling her a racist won't change her, her attitude of her behavior.
You don't LIKE her and don't feel comfortable around her so YOU make the choice to NOT be around her.
Last of all, there is nothing "secret" about her attitude towards black people, or at least one (YOU).
She sounds like a cow.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2019): Woah lot of racism from the posters here. Any white person who uses the n word is a racist. It is not the same as saying this. Your MIL is racist and so are some of the posters.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (15 October 2019):
 You've heard the saying "the pot calling the kettle black" I assume? It's not racist; it's about someone accusing someone of something of which they themselves are guilty, as in this case.
I have not even met you, and know next to nothing about you, but your allegation that your MIL does not like you because you are "not white" makes ME dislike you. Why? Because you decided early on in your relationship with your future husband that his mother was "crazy" for trying to fix him up with girls from her own community and religion. This is not "crazy". This has been going on for generations and is about keeping communities together. Your husband chose, like many before him, to pick his own partner. You mock your MIL's singing/recording efforts by labeling the albums "not popular". You automatically decided that, because you are not the same colour as the girls she was trying to fix her son up with, that she does not like you. That, my dear, is racism in itself. It is also trying to hide YOUR bad behaviour behind the racism card, because you think that will afford you some sort of special privileges and protection. Racists are not all white.
Your MIL is allowed to have what rules she wants in her own house, just as you are in yours. If she asks that you don't swear or say "shit" in her house then, while you are under her roof, you should respect her request. If YOU do not feel comfortable with her using the term "nigger", then YOU are equally entitled to ask her not to use it under YOUR roof. That is only fair.
Is she even aware that the word offends you? She comes from a generation well before political correctness, when certain words ("nigger" being one of them) where used in every day conversation without anyone being offended. Certain races use the word freely among themselves (as I am sure you are aware). Are you just upset because you don't feel a white woman should use the word?
Your son knows his mother better than you do. Why do you not believe him when he tells you she is not a racist?
I think you need to give your MIL a chance without assuming things about her of which you have no proof. You never know, you might get to like her.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 October 2019):
 Does she use the “n” when talking with her black friend at church?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2019): Well, considering the fact you're her daughter-in-law; only what your husband feels about you matters. In-laws are the blessings or curses that come with marriage. You can't control what your MIL thinks or says in her own house; but you can enforce your own house-rules.
It is most unfortunate that racism is the incurable disease in our country; but it's a nasty reality. It's even condoned by those who sit in power, and try to exploit and benefit from it. Even going as far as to stir it up with ugly rallies; and blasting it all over our TV and the internet! In an attempt to show how nasty and ugly people can be. All under the guise of patriotism. It sickens me!!!
You can only maintain your dignity and do what you know is right. You can't tell your mother-in-law how to think or behave. If she gives-off the vibe of a racist; or if she often makes little bigoted remarks. She's racist! Nobody likes to be given that label; but if you are, you are! It's ignorance, and a blight on our country, and the world.
Pray for your hypocritical mother-in-law. Be kind to her in spite of her undercover-racism. I don't know which is worse...those who are blatant bigots, or the sneaky ones?
When she's very old and shriveled; she's going to want to be loved and remembered by anybody willing to bother. It may be only you! Helplessness sometimes changes people; because they'll never know who they will have to rely on to change their filthy adult-diapers, or prop them up in bed! They'll lie there in their shame and weakness. Depending on those they hate so much! In a catastrophe, they could lose everything; and the only hand reaching-out to them could be attached to someone of color! God has a way of teaching us and changing us.
You can't really hide bigotry; because it's a disease, and it has to show symptoms. It gets worse when it goes untreated. If she ever decides to practice it on you, let her have it with both barrels! If they get-away with the bad behavior, they get increasing bold with it. You have a right to voice your offense, and to do advocacy to stem the tide that is washing over our nation!
It never went away, it was hidden behind political-correctness and denial. Having our first African American president was progress; but it was by no means proof our country was cured of racism. I read all the filthy offensive remarks towards him and the First Lady. Stupid has to be loud and be heard. The problem is, they're too stupid to know how ignorant and weak-minded they are!
You can remind her to be true to her faith, and watch how she talks about people; but only Jesus can change someone's heart.
Nobody has any right to judge your husband by his mother. If he's married to you, I'm not sure how his mother's racist-behavior reflects on him in any way?
Your MIL is getting old, and if she displays it around you; don't be timid, call it out. Tell her how you feel about it, and how it offends you.
If you see her in sin, and she wants to pose as a Christian; remind her who Christ is, and how He wants us to behave. Don't ever question her christianity, just callout her bad-behavior when she displays it in your presence. Otherwise, she has the freedom of speech to say what she pleases; until she runs into the wrong person! Who's likely to shove her words down her throat. The boldness goes both-ways! People who get offended can be just as gutsy in reacting to racism! Some are dangerous!
Maintain your dignity. Call it out when it's in your presence. Let your husband worry about how it reflects on him. It's not for you to be concerned for him regarding his mother. He's a grown-man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2019): There's a huge difference between having some Black church friends and having a Black woman as her daughter in law and you're seeing that now. Yes she's racist and she's not even secretive about it if she's using the n-word! The biggest problem is that your husband doesn't recognise that she's racist and doesn't appreciate why you feel (naturally) uncomfortable.
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