A
female
age
30-35,
*reehugger123
writes:So I broke up with my girlfriend two days ago. At first I was fine, I felt like it was a long time coming, but now I feel myself questioning my decision and regret setting in.We had been together 8 years and she was also my best friend. Those 8 years have not been easy, they've been full of heart break but they have also been full of cute little happy moments together. My reason for breaking up is because although I love her dearly, I started to fall out of love with her. I think it was the way she used to speak down to me every day, just pick and everything I did and make me feel like there was nothing I could ever do right for her. I tried to address this many times but our communication was not the best so it never got fixed.But I think the true reason I broke up with her is that we've been together 8 years but I've never felt like I was part of her life. Nobody knows about me, her family and her friends don't and I have never met them. It even goes as far as that she wont even tell strangers about us. One thing that stuck was that when we have children she said if it was a child I gave birth to then it would never meet her family, however, her child would - I just think that's horrible.Another issue I had was that we didn't spend enough time together. I would see her at 6pm on a Friday and she would leave at 4pm on the Saturday and that is the only time we got together despite her living only 30 minutes away and been able to drive. It's been that way for for as long as I can remember. I know that I probably wasn't perfect but I know I tried really hard to be with her and I just feel like been with someone shouldn't be that hard?Why am I feeling like I regret my decision if I have my reasons. And if I know for a fact if I went back I'd be unhappy again because nothing would change. I feel like it's because I've become so used to been with her that it terrifys me to not be.
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (17 October 2019):
These feelings are part of the process of adjusting. Breaking up isn’t like flicking off a switch even if you know in your heart of hearts that it’s what needs to happen. You had hopes, expectations and plans that centred on being in this relationship that are now not going to happen. You also had those good times. It’s okay to feel sadness about that. It’s okay to question whether it would have been better to stick to the devil you know, despite everything. Relationships give us certainty, and breaking up takes all that certainty away. We all know people who put up with far too much for the sake of certainty, because change unsettles and disturbs us. But being with someone like this who has such an attitude only gives you the certainty of being miserable. So, keep in mind that this will get better. Keep listening to what your clear, thinking head is telling you. Keep remembering that this is a kind of grief and it will pass.
I wish you all the very best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2019): Breaking-up means change. It means giving-up what is familiar, routine, and predictable. It means being alone and dealing with life as an independent-individual. The discomfort comes from breaking the hold of an emotional-dependency on what seems to me like an infatuation. You were more into her, than she was into you!
My first guess is that she's ashamed of her family and background. Giving her a wee bit of the benefit of the doubt! My second-guess is that she may be ashamed of you! It takes a lot of craftiness to keep a boyfriend and your family, and everyone you know, separated for eight long years!
People often hide or find shelter in their relationships; no matter how horrible they are. You'll rationalize by believing that at least you're not alone; even if you fight every other hour about the same-things over and over and over. You hardly have sex, or only talk when arguing.
Pull those two people apart stuck in that kind of cycle; and strangely they act is if they're lost, and they miss each other. Mainly because they're programmed out of force-of-habit for their usual routines. They were sustained by their dysfunction and incompatibility. Often, they come from broken-families or families of divorce; so they're used to fighting. They almost miss it when things get too quiet.
You're alone for the first time. The peace and quiet makes you feel disoriented. Cute-times here and there doesn't hold a relationship together.
There's something that I think many guys overlook in these long drawn-out long-term relationships. Women will start to find fault with you; and their nagging escalates when you won't put a ring on it. They are tired of playing "wifey" and watching the calendar change, the ball drop every New Year, their friends are getting married, they're always bridesmaids; and they're still just a perpetual-girlfriend! If they don't see a future, they'll stick with you all the same; waiting for somebody else to come along to pluck her from your grip! They'll stick with you as long as that doesn't happen. It's better than having no man at all!
You went for 8 years, and never once insisted on meeting her family and friends?
You basically saw her in-passing; before she blew out of your apartment, and went about her life. I don't really think you broke-up. I think 8 years was long past your sell-by date; and you mistook "friendship" for a romantic-relationship. My guess is, you were longtime-friends who transferred over to a romantic-relationship. Only, she might have had a use for you; so she agreed to pretend to be your girlfriend.
In the gay-culture, you're considered a "pocket boyfriend." You are there so she doesn't look like she can't get a man. You're available for occasional sex, you might be handy with a toolbox, you can do simple car-repairs; and you're available for rides to or from the airport. You're reliable and loyal as a puppy-dog! Pending the hot hunk that comes along as your replacement. Ladies have them too! You then become a BFF, and continue your duties under your new title; when your replacement comes along. Don't fall for that!!!
You are the most patient guy ever! Eight years you've been kept a secret. You never complained about that; yet she kept putting you down. Mainly because you both were seeing the relationship from two totally different perspectives.
Just stay no-contact. You don't really have much to go back to. It was over a long-time ago. You're just catching-up with the reality of it. Second-guessing after a breakup is just a symptom of detachment and separation-anxiety. You made a good decision. Stick to it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2019): Your girlfriend did not treat you well and you did the right thing ending it. It is normal to feel sad and miss the things that were good. There is no point pretending you didn't have good times. In eight years, I'm sure you had many. But it wasn't enough and there was no future. It's ok to feel sad and confused and unsure about your decisions. Those are all normal feelings to have following a breakup, even one that is right choice.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 October 2019):
 Because despite her being NOT right for you, you miss the good times.
It's OK to not just have a "clean slate" mentally right after a break up.
However, maybe you need to focus more on the "bad things" she did then the "cute moments".
And you KNOW full well that seeing each other ONCE a week after 8 years together is not how a serious long term relationship should be.
YOU wanted more, she didn't.
SHE never told her family or friend about you, so how much did you really mean to her?
And yes, CHANGE can be a little scary. We all like routines, familiarity and the known over the unknown, but this isn't a bad thing. Some relationships stop working, some never really worked etc. So instead of seeing this as terrifying, see it as A NEW start. For you.
Don't cave in to temptation to call her or check up on her. Stick to NO CONTACT. Work on moving forward. Take your time to mourn the end of the relationship, then focus on YOUR future. YOUR life.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (14 October 2019):
 How could you have possibly made a mistake? You’ve had 8 years of being treated like shit. The only mistake you made was letting it go on this long.
8 years and no one knows you were together? How could you even class yourself as being in a relationship? Sounds like she was ashamed of you if anything.
Count your lucky stars, you have your life back! You can find someone who ACTUALLY DOES love and respect you.
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